Wow. That was an interesting discussion. From my POV I think I've communicated to WAW that, all else being equal, I'd prefer an R with her, at least at the present time.
But there's this 800-pound gorilla in the room that no one wants to really confront, but which we've alluded to up and down in the SP threadlines before. And it's this: "Which" WAW do I prefer an R with? It strikes me as being possible -- for some, perhaps, even probable -- that at the end of the DB road one realizes, "I don't like WAW that much." Or, "I don't like who WAW has become."
So it clearly is a fine line to walk. And I'm walking on the "wrong" side of it -- betting the Don't Pass line at the craps table. I'm doing Tough Love here -- I'm pushing her toward the door harder than she ever thought likely. I absolutely want her to confront it all, and I want her to confront it on my schedule, not hers. Because she'd wait to get comfortable with this or that -- I say bugger that, try it when you're uncomfortable. In the previous thread (I think), @Forrest Gump and I had a testy exchange over power.
When WAS comes to you and says ILYBNILWY, s/he's taking Absolute Power over the sitch. And one of the reasons (IMHO) that LBS freaks and does all that nasty icky stuff we do, is the feeling of utter powerlessness. I felt that way a long time (in relative terms). And then I decided not to. Now I'm wielding the power here and WAW's game is off-kilter.
Bad DB kung-fu? Maybe. I don't care. "Emotional jiu-jitsu," a phrase we encounter in the DB lexicon, implies using the WAS's energy, weight, etc. against them, just like the IRL martial art.
So my POV is this: Okay, fine. You want to walk? Walk! Here, let me pack your bag! Wait, you forgot this! Okay, see ya! By the way -- I'm Teh Awesome! And you'll figure that out pretty quickly. And then it will suck to be you. [And yes, I did actually use those words.]
So, yeah, that's a bit of a silly way to put it, but you get the point. I wasn't exaggerating or putting on some Rambo Courage when I said in a previous thread that I'm open to ALL possibilities. Look, maybe she was right all along! Maybe she ISN'T the one for me.
That's how I'm rolling, anyway.
Does it work? Hell, I don't know. Here's an e-mail exchange WAW and I had today, suitably mashed to preserve anonymity while maintaining the topical integrity of the respective notes. WAW will be red, I will be blue. (Because the Good Guys are always Blue Force! Hooah!)
Dear {Mrs. SP},
I know this isn't a "happy" birthday for you but I'm wishing you a Happy Birthday anyway, because, as you put it, I'm a selfish bastard -- if it weren't for your birthday I wouldn't have known you and I wouldn't have known D and S, and that's some pretty great stuff to know. So Happy Birthday. To You. For Me.
Ever since you dropped the Bomb, you've been harping on this "you never knew me" thing. Maybe you're right. But maybe you never knew me, either. Curious, eh? But that's the past, and I don't live there anymore. Whether I knew you or not in any "real" sense is irrelevant now. We are where we are. But there are a couple things I do know about you -- or at least about what I believe to be you.
I believe you are a good person with a good heart.
I believe you're struggling and sad and conflicted and confused and confounded and confronted and dizzy and lonely and scared and committed and determined and anticipating -- and and and.
And I believe that you can come to me -- if you want -- for support, for friendship, for whatever it is you need me to provide. I know that idea sort of freaks you out. But that's because you're not listening to your heart (and I don't mean that in the Hallmark way) and are listening to that conflicted, sad, struggling brain of yours. Which brain, by the way, is dead wrong. You won't be taking advantage of me, you won't be giving me the wrong impression. You're divorcing me -- how much more of an impression do I need?
And I've heard you say you're afraid of being vulnerable. Nahhhh -- you've got a great self-protection fortress there. Not just one wall -- plenty of walls. So you can open the outer gate, and I'll meet you half-way, parlez. Truce. Christmas in the trenches.
No Hidden Agenda. No Expectations. No field of daisies, slow-motion running, and Vangelis soundtrack.
It'll just be me coming through the gate, just to give you a smile, or just to listen, or just to share with you what I believe.
Let me remind you -- I believe you are a good person with a good heart.
Oh, and I believe in you. It's been a long road -- nearly 22 years -- and there's a lot of road ahead. But today is for today. And today is your birthday. So Happy Birthday.
WAW replied:
I'm sure you know that was the nicest birthday card I have ever received. You're right -- I am feeling all of those things to be sure. I wish you were right about the other stuff, though. I used to think I was a "good person" and that I had a "good heart" but now I just don't believe it. How can I in light of what I have done to you and our children?
If you'd be interested in exploring this, once I move I hope we can spend some time together and start over. I don't know where it will lead, but I would sure like for us to get to know each other again. I really want you to have a place in my life that is bigger than just my kids' Dad.
I can live with that. Bad DB kung-fu or not.
Oh and @Sara? You've identified the major weakness in my mojo. That one -- that "just take her and do the deed" one? Struggling with it.
