Newbie - first post and ?s

[Faith2010]

It's been the longest and most emotional 12 days of my life. H and I spoke 12 days ago and agreed things were not working. We spoke about a separation. The next day I realized that was not what I wanted and after 2 days of crying told him I wanted to work on our marriage. He does not. Approx. 5 days ago I learned the girl he had been talking to online (for approx. 3 months) he is now talking to on the phone. Completely devastated me.

Backtrack for a minute...In April, while driving to Chicago, got on the laptop to check Facebook. H's computer and it automatically logged onto his account. He was IMing with this girl. Called him...he lied...confronted him later that night. H says sorry, won't happen again. Find out still e-mailing same girl. H takes girl off his 'friends' list and says it's done. Continue to find e-mails until he changes password so I can no longer get on his account.

Fast forward to present. H now talks with her on the phone. Actually went and changed phone companies yesterday so he can talk to her for free. H says they are just 'friends'. She is also having problems in her marriage. Up until Sunday morning, I was doing everything wrong. I blamed him, interrogated him, yelled at him...the whole 9 yards. My sister told me to get on here, helped her 6 years ago with almost the exact same situation. I read a lot and Sunday morning when he came home, I was calm, did not blame, did not yell. I told him I had hope and wanted our marriage to work. He still wants a separation. H says we've tried it too many times in the past, never works. H just wants to be happy and wants me to be happy and says this is not fair to either of us. H says I am his "best friend".

I understand I have to take it one day at a time. Knowing H wants out and there is someone else tears my heart out. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I am doing my best to be supportive to him but I have no idea how long I will be able to hang in there.

I have read excerpts from the book on here but not the book yet as I have it on order from the library. Supposed to be in tomorrow.

Something I am really confused about and have no idea if I am doing the right thing...Our sex life has been non-existent for a while (maybe 10 months). 3 nights after all this began, H wakes me up in the middle of the night to have sex. It's also occurred a few more times. I've asked why he wants to and get answers such as "cause we've always had good sex" or "it's fun". I am thinking it is a positive thing but I honestly don't know. Any advice please?

[Faith2010]

I'd appreciate any advice...he's home tomorrow and I don't want to continue down the wrong path if that is, in fact, what I am doing. I don't want to be used or a stand-in for 'her'.

[givingitmyall]

Ashlee, I am relatively new to DB'ing. First, let me say how sorry I am your are in this situation. But, this is a great place to get support and find out you are not alone.

Second, it sounds like your husband (H) is involved with the other woman (OW) on some level, whether it is an emotional affair (EA) or worse.

At this point, it sounds like your H wants it both ways - he wants the lure of the OW, but still expects you to meet his needs. Whether you want to do that is up to you. But, I tend to think that would not be the best idea.

One of the things you will learn from reading either Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy is that you need to maintina your self-respect/dignity for a couple of reasons. One, you need that to be a great person. Two, your dignity will give you self confidence, self confidence you will need to show you H if you want to attract him to you (and, save the marriage).

Part of maintaining your dignity comes from setting boundaries - I would find it hard to satisfy my W's needs if I suspected she was involved on some level with someone else. In addition, I would be worried I was enabling W's involvement with the other person if W thought she could us both. You must ask youself if that is a boundary you should set until he decides to break it off with the OW.

But, it sounds like you have at least recognized the mistake you initially made by pursuing your H(we all made the same mistake). That is the first step. That and learning to deal with your grief. I know it is awful right now (mine is still pretty fresh), but trust me, it gets easier to handle with time.

In addition to the Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy books, I could recommend another one - Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.

Another recommendation I would give you is to get to a counselor for you. It sounds like your H is like my W - does not want to work on the M.

Although your H has probably said some terrible things, many people here (and the DB and DR books) will tell you don't believe anything your H said and only half of what he does.

Hang in there. While it may not seem like it right now, it will be ok.

[Faith2010]

Giving -

Thank you for your response. A part of me wants so bad to believe that having a sex life with H again is getting us back on track. However, I also wonder if the OW is in the back of his mind. Today he actually asked if it would change things if he 'met' her. (OW lives 1500 miles away)

I feel like a pathetic fool. I never in my wildest dreams thought he would do this to me. I don't understand how he could just give up 17 years of marriage.

I can't sleep, eating at times is difficult - which is actually a blessing in itself as I need to lose weight anyway. But living in turmoil...the not knowing...the insecurity. It justs gets to be unbearable at times. What scares the he!! out of me is it's only been 12 days. How on earth I am going to last months or even years like this?

At times I am totally together... then there are times like now I am a mess.

[Tia]

Ashlee,
Men need to have sex to feel loved; however, women need to feel loved to have sex.

I highly recommend Michele's book, Divorce Remedy. Its the updated version to Divorce Busting.

Sorry that you're in this place right now. Hope things get better!

Keep us posted,
/Tia

[Faith2010]

Thanks for the response Tia. My S called this morning to say H was sitting in his car on the phone. Hard to hear about each time H is talking to OW. It's like he is ready to throw S and I to the curb.

I am getting the book today, whether it comes from the library or I have to buy it. I need reinforcement that I am not alone, that this is not abnormal and I am not crazy for trying to stay with a man who doesn't want me right now.

[givingitmyall]

Ashlee, you are absolutely not alone and you are not crazy for wanting to save your marriage.

I would read the book(s) asap - I know you will. I thougght DR was the best, but both are great.

One thing you will learn quickly is that all pursuit of your H has to stop - NOW. It will be hard, but pursuit will only make him run more. You need to find somewhere away from him to grieve - you will do it and it's ok. Just not in front of him.

Focus on you and your kid(s).

Most of all, hop on the books. Then you will be ready to absorb the advice here that much more.

Be strong.

[Faith2010]

I am happy to report I got the book. I am off to read...thanks for the support.

[givingitmyall]

Just checkin in Ashlee. Hope you got through a lot of the book.

Some of the techniques seem illogical, but they will help.

[Faith2010]

Thanks for checking in Giving...much appreciated.

I only got through Chapter 1 last night before I fell asleep. However, I think I may have made a mistake today. H texted me a bit ago and asked if I traded my car in yet-knowing there's no way I had. (We previously spoke about me needing a cheaper car payment if I am going to be on my own.) I texted him back and said no, I wanted to keep it. H asked how I was going to pay for it. I wrote back "like i am now...i still have HOPE" H has not responded. I am guessing I said the wrong thing. It's very hard knowing what I can/should say vs. what I shouldn't say. I am waiting for H to ask when I am moving out again. We originally talked about staying in the same house for 3 months and then I would have to move b/c I cannot afford the house payment. However, I have since decided I will not leave but have not told H that.

I have been keeping my distance. I do not nag, do not complain, do not ask things of H. I think it may be making a difference until he makes some snide comment like "this is the last time we will be eating here together" or like asking if I traded in the car. Is he seeing how far he can push me? God, this is confusing.