GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

Thanks 25mlc.

You really are the epitome of patience, so I hope I can follow by your example.

If you would have asked me last year that I'd still be here, I would have told you - no way. But I've learned that I had much more patience than I ever thought possible within me and at least for now, I can say I'm here till the divorce is busted.

I do see many positive signs, but none that point to a reconciliation, but I remain hopeful. Sometimes I did wish though that we were physically separated like you were. It's tough sleeping in the same bed with someone whom you want to just reach out and hold. My favorite memory of us was when I would come into bed around 2 in the morning after working late, and she'd roll over, give me a kiss and a hug and put her arm around me. I'm looking forward to those days again.

Oh well, back to GALinig.

[MrBond]

Coach,

Thanks for the advice about making her feel or complimenting on her being beautiful.

I don't want to make her uncomfortable saying it and I definitely don't want to seem to be pursuing too much if I said it. How did you do it to Mrs. Coach? Compliment her, I mean, while you were S?

[MrBond]

aliveandkicking,

Since you brought up the beautiful comment, how does a guy show to you that you're beautiful? If your H told you, would you just think he's throwing you a line? Sometimes I would compliment her (before the bomb) and she would just roll her eyes.

Also, you mentioned something about her feeling depressed which is why she didn't want to talk to my mom last night. What makes you think that?

[Kittyfish]

You know, although I believe in exposure somewhat I tend to agree with what others have said here. Exposure did NOT work with me- it only made me more prideful and determined to move on. I was not feeling very guilty even though I was having an A because my H told everyone. He also added details to the sitch- and changed the one OM to five. I even got accused of having a lesbian affair (one of my best friends is a gay female).

[MrBond]

volleydog,

Thanks for the encouragement. I've been keeping up with your sitch and I'm sorry that it had come to a date being set. But hey, it ain't over till it's over right?

Good luck to you too.

[robx]

aliveandkicking,

Since you brought up the beautiful comment, how does a guy show to you that you're beautiful? If your H told you, would you just think he's throwing you a line? Sometimes I would compliment her (before the bomb) and she would just roll her eyes.

Also, you mentioned something about her feeling depressed which is why she didn't want to talk to my mom last night. What makes you think that?

Having numerous feelings of guilt can make a person feel depressed constantly. No one chooses to stop having feelings for their spouse and when they do it can make a person feel extremely guilty - "I shouldn't be feeling like this, I should love them, why don't I, what's wrong with me, why do I feel attracted to other people, why don't I feel attracted to my spouse, etc. etc."

Can you see how that would make someone feel guilty & depressed? I can see it.

As for how to give compliments, I think you have throw some curve balls and act differently, currently you don't stand out much with your wife. How would you act if you were ultra confident (cocky, arrogant), were good looking, knew that you had high value (you felt like a 9 or a 10) and some really attractive woman walks into the room and you want to let her know that you notice her and like how she looks. Act confident, ooze it out of your pours.

I recently went out for coffee with my wife, it was weird how it worked out.

I asked her
"...would you be interested in going out for coffee and maybe some pie some time this evening?"

She said why (of course, she did, always questioning everything).

I said ".... cause your beautiful ;-) and you know I'm just saying that so you'll go out for coffee with me".

She smiled, laughed a bit and said "I could do coffee, where & when?"

Sometimes you have to warm them up with your cocky, confident self. If she had said no, it wouldn't have been a big deal, I would have said "that's cool, maybe another time, no worries" and then I would have had plans to do something: go out for a drive, get a coffee for myself, go to the gym, etc. GAL means getting a life and stop pursuing her, limit your contact with her, create the space between you and let her fill it up instead of always occupying the breathing space between the 2 of you.

Small steps, no pressure, just be confident, assume the best and plan for either scenario because then you have all bases covered and you're not shocked or hurt either way.

[aliveandkicking]

aliveandkicking,

Since you brought up the beautiful comment, how does a guy show to you that you're beautiful? If your H told you, would you just think he's throwing you a line? Sometimes I would compliment her (before the bomb) and she would just roll her eyes.

Also, you mentioned something about her feeling depressed which is why she didn't want to talk to my mom last night. What makes you think that?

I think you need to get to a place where you are not so concerned about her response before you do this. No fear!!! You need to mean it and be someone who it matters hearing it from...

Ha, if WAH tells me I look "beautiful"...mmmm, feels good. If H pre-bomb said it, "hmmm...what does he want from me?"

So, when you are on your way somewhere, feeling confident, feeling like a 10, you give her a quick glance and say "jesus, you're beautiful" and leave...I mean say it with one foot out the door. That would've done something for me.

The coffee thing, not in that state of mind (at least IMO). You want NOTHING from her, you have a life, you're an awesome guy who genuinely notices that she is beautiful.

That's the best I can do on that...waaaaa, wish I had a LBS...

Oh, and on the depression, ya, it is depressing as hell to be in your wife's shoes. No way around it. I was there. Read SP's post; he's lucky enough to have had his wife spell it out (well maybe that was mojo more than luck ;)). Read what his wife said...it sucks to be her. I'm not saying it is exactly the same but that's the gist of it IMO.

And all of this brings us back to mojo...trust me, you have somewhere to go, you love yourself, you're a 10, then and only then can she see your compliment as having value AND hopefully see you as someone worth paying more attention to.

[MrBond]

Kittyfish,

Ouch now that's just plain wrong although I do understand the sheer anger that those emotions stem from.

For me the exposure bit came out from that anger and I told her that if she ever went out with her boss that she would never see her kids again since I didn't want a dirty old man around them.

I think that shocked her a bit and made her resent me, but it was something I had to do as a man. I was just taking care of what was mine. I also confronted the OM whom (surprisingly) didn't want to return my calls. What a waste of gray matter. Oh well.

Thanks for the thoughts.

[MrBond]

robx,

Thanks for putting things in perspective. When you put it that way, I do understand the depression. Now why can't my W get on a board like this to get some clarity?

I also like what you said about the attraction. It matches what aliveandkicking and others have been saying. Funny how I used to be that cocky, confident guy, then it took the words "I want a divorce" to knock that right out of me.

I'm trying my hardest to channel that guy once more. I'm trying to get myself under control as I'm feeling that I act like a suck-up to her. I don't mean to, but the minute I'm in her presence, that wimpy suck-up comes out. I am disgusted with that though and I'm trying to snap that out of me.

[MrBond]

aliveandkicking,

I like your example. I think I'll try it when we're on our family trip next month. I'll try a bunch of these "hit and run" compliments and see what happens. Right now though I don't think she doesn't see enough "value" in me to take the compliments seriously.

I've got to get my "swagger" back, so to speak. Or "mojo". Funny how the words "I want a divorce" can knock the mojo right out of you.

Maybe if they had that liquid mojo like from Austin Powers, we could buy it in bulk! LOL