Newcomer requesting advice

[traveldane]

Thanks Sandi.

I want your honesty, your gut reaction...I appreciate your insight immensely.

H. emailed me today, looking to set up arragements to address the finances. He requested that we only talk by email "in order to give ourselves a chance to respond without so much emotion".

I am going to take a few days off from thinking about it all, as best as I can.I have so much to do with the move and closing out things here in D.C., so will really just focus on that for now.

I had a bit of a melt down today, realizing how much being forced to accept what H. has chosen is like having to accept what happened with our baby. Seems like it should have been more obvious, but I guess sometimes the truth needs to hit us over the head. We had 1 "regular" miscarriage before the traumatic one and I think I am tired of feeling blindsided in my life and having to swallow loss and keep grinning, pushing forward. Not trying to have a pitty party, just realized that maybe some of my fatigue and losing composure with H is beyond just the marriage loss.

thanks for checking in with me. Hope you are well, feeling well, things are going well :-)

[sandi2]

I think it would be a good idea to take a few days off and try to get your mind off all of this sorrow. I have always felt that the two of you had continual and extremely horrible events to follow one by one until neither of you could have a chance to recover. I do believe you are grieving over the loss of your babies and now the loss of your M. You need to grieve, honey, and don't feel that you are having a pity-party! You need to do this and you deserve to do it. Yes, I said deserve. Do you know that I feel as if I know you b/c of the way you described your upbringing and by reading the things and how you expressed yourself? Oh, I don't mean I know your name or anything like that, but I feel that I know what kind of person you are. You have been raised to be a "strong" person, right? And....you have been very strong! But I think you expect way too much of yourself. It is okay to cry or do whatever you need to do to deal with your pain. I don't know how to say it, but I feel that I can identify with you as the person you are and know you feel like you have always had to be "the strong one". But, I'm telling you that trying to always show that strength will kill you. There is a time to be strong, but then there is a time in our lives that it is okay to be weak. I use that word "weak" but I actually mean to show your heartbreak. Don't feel that you have to constantly keep it in tack and not let it out.

I may be way off base and not have you figured out at all.....but I am going by that "gut" feeling again.

Like I told you before, you rest and get your peace of mind so you can think more clearly. You will come to the best decision for your life. You are the one to think about...NOW.......you have always thought of others, right? It is your time now and don't feel that you are being selfish b/c you aren't. You are a good person. Life can be so unfair and so painful. I wish I could hug you and show you how much I care about what you are going through. I pray for you and ask God's help and future blessings on you b/c you certainly deserve to be happy.

Take care and I hope you return soon to let us know how you are doing.

Sandi

[traveldane]

I think you've got me pegged and I am thankful.

[CityGirl]

H. emailed me today, looking to set up arragements to address the finances. He requested that we only talk by email "in order to give ourselves a chance to respond without so much emotion".

I am going to take a few days off from thinking about it all, as best as I can.I have so much to do with the move and closing out things here in D.C., so will really just focus on that for now.

I am glad you are taking off a few days to focus on you and what you need to do for YOU and YOU only. I see nothing wrong with sending your H an e-mail that says something like this:

Hi H,
Yes, I agree that e-mail is a good solution so we can focus on the business side of things. When I am ready to address these matters with you I will contact you via e-mail.
Regards,
The Uber Fabulous Traveldane

Dont feel forced to work on HIS timeline, you only have to work on the timeline that is best for you. And there is nothing wrong with telling your H in a firm but kind manner that you need some time to catch up and when you are ready, you will address what needs to be addressed. This is the time to start setting firm boundaries for YOU. He might not like that but tough. Boundaries are for your benefit, not his.

I had a bit of a melt down today, realizing how much being forced to accept what H. has chosen is like having to accept what happened with our baby. Seems like it should have been more obvious, but I guess sometimes the truth needs to hit us over the head. We had 1 "regular" miscarriage before the traumatic one and I think I am tired of feeling blindsided in my life and having to swallow loss and keep grinning, pushing forward. Not trying to have a pitty party, just realized that maybe some of my fatigue and losing composure with H is beyond just the marriage loss.

IMO acceptance with a WAS is really one of the hardest things to come by. It will happen but it wont happen overnight. I still work on it and I have been in this situaton for 1.5 years! Being blindsided over and over again is a horrible feeling and I think it really slaps us with the reality of how often we dont have much control over certain things. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

But I do agree that when one thing hurts to the very core (a divorce) it really stirs up other events that hurt just as deeply. My dad died three years ago in a very sudden and tragic way and when I get sad about my divorce I often find myself getting sad about my dad. Its like deep hurt sort of molds together and takes over and the events are no longer separate.

I cant even imagine losing a child so I dont mean to sound insensitive and I am certainly not comparing it to losing a parent. I just mean I can relate to feeling horrible about one thing and it really stirring old hurts and making them very fresh again.

I will be thinking of you. Stay strong and focused.

[SmileysPerson]

you rest and get your peace of mind so you can think more clearly. You will come to the best decision for your life. You are the one to think about...NOW.......you have always thought of others, right? It is your time now and don't feel that you are being selfish b/c you aren't.

What Sandi said.

For my part, nothing made sense, nothing was able to be made clear, and I couldn't make a decision -- not a one -- until I physically disengaged and got away. I went to Big Midwestern City and lived for a weekend. The time, short as it was, the space, and most of all The Distance. Rx for conflicted DB'ing.

So yeah. What Sandi said.

[traveldane]

Thank you City Girl and Smiley.

[traveldane]

Just a bit of journaling here I guess-

wrapping up things here for move north. slightly annoyed with myself but also more just amazed at how I having trouble staying on task with the to do list. I think my reserves dealing with all the logisitical gymnastics that need executing right now are running out, hense I have a low tolerance for social interaction.

Also sad because I have been seeing friends that have been a part of my life for years, saying good bye, trying to be honest about the sitch but not rehash too much. I find myself just wanting to cancel these quick get to gethers squeezed in between meeting moving truck and going to post office to change address.
I just can't hang very well right now.

Good byes, or rather I anything marking the end of something is not my forte anyway. I tend to like to leave everything with "oh don't worry, i'll see you again soon". So doing this, on top of the practical matters, and of course catalyst for all that is happening right now that looms in the background(marriage collapse) has me on major overload. Hey, I guess if you think of it as face your fear, I am like Tom Hanks in cast away..."You call this a storm...." (anyone feeling that reference)

So yeah, evidence of emotional fatigue presenting in embarrasing ways. Chronically running late and fighting the urge just to not show up (sorry movers, I wasn't at the nail salon or stopping for a morning latte, I wasn't at the storage unit until 10 minutes after our scheduled meeting time because I missed my exit while staring straight ahead at the road and saying affirmations to myself.

Quote "Wanda thought to herself, people tell themselves lies all the time, might as well make them good ones".-Sephanie Kallos

[aliveandkicking]

Are you on your way to a NEW life, or what?

You are strong, smart and young...keep going.

[Ready2Change]

And enjoy the ride....(Focus on all the good things that are not in turmoil)

[traveldane]

Thanks guys.

The plan is to follow through on the move to norhteast for 1 year. Get some space, get some perspective.

After that, who knows.