Ok Coach. We have a schedule in that I know two specific days H will have the kids. I am thinking of designating two days for myself with them and being flexible on the other days. Does that make sense?
As of now, we have also attended parties and school events together...should I stop that?
I think the idea of a schedule is actually for the kids sake. It allows them to know when to expect they will see parent x. It's not really designed for you except as a byproduct of their planning. What you have now is a framework of a schedule if you ask me. Schedule it and make it more regular. It'll help all of you very much I think.
As for the parties and school events, I think that's up to you. But the school events you may want to emphasize for the kids sake. And yours and your husbands. Just don't overdo it, right?
You are doing well AK. Don't think for a second you are not. It's just that it is time for a little adjustment and you may want to consider the scheduling of kids time a good place to start.
Don't leave open days, but instead you may want to leave the door open for negotiation - i.e. These days the kids are with me, and these days they are with you unless otherwise negotiated at least x number of days in advance (be reasonable - this is about the kids and not about you and H but you do need to plan as you start to get your own life in order and start moving along.) The idea is to share the time in a reasonable and respectful way. Respectful of the children and of yourself and your husband.
Respect always starts with being given long before it is received.
As for the visitation by H, have you considered just designating the day of the week to have him come over for "family" time?
Just a thought.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Well, I've been spending some time on this and I feel really good about getting more of a schedule ironed out. So, I know I am on the right track with that.
H would have them much more but work and such make it so that he can only firmly commit to these two days. I am still wrestling with how to handle the other open days.
I am clear that my tentativeness is an effort on my part to be mindful of what my children need. Our lifestyle is a bit unusual and I want to be damn sure that my own resentments or sadness don't temper my choices regarding the kids.
I think a segue into a routine will be a good start.
As for H coming by sometimes, I think that will have to be phased out...tough stuff.
I do feel ambivalent about forgoing family time. That is when I feel like I'm losing more here. I had my kids so much of the time, rarely missed anything. H will get more than he had before in some ways. I am being honest with you here. I will not act from this place. I just do feel that I am losing a lot. I will make up for it in my personal growth and GAL but it is a loss nonetheless. Always tears associated with this for me.
I like the idea of designating a day for family time. That would mean three committed days for him and we'll see if he can do that.
This weekend there is a party...friends that are more his than mine...friends that really "like" me but are on his side. H said they invited me too and I should come. Part of me would like to stop by, be social...His wanting me to go (forgive mindreading here) is related either to a) him wanting them to see I'm ok so he doesn't feel like an a**hole b) him testing to see if that bridge could ever be repaired (me with his friends) or of course c) whatever he is actually thinking. Last 2 times I didn't go when it was involving these friends I sort of regretted (in our R there was always tension between me and H when it came to them because I just wasn't that interested). I would like to go if only for a little bit (maybe just drop off older son who will be with me).
Also on my mind regarding the schedule, it is very helpful to me if we can back each other up sometimes and I would like to have that kind of R, especially when kids have overlapping plans and parties and such sometimes falling on either of our days. Just curious how others work this.
Vent- Conversation detailing more of H's Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous...elicited feelings of anger and sadness. And again, I feel threatened. I hate to admit, I think I'm intimidated by how many people he knows and how he has gobbled up so many mutual friends (although yes, some of them think he is being an a**hole but in this town, so what?).
This is what came out of me tonight...not sending it, just venting...
I want to make sure that you know that when I sound sad or aggravated after hearing about your sort of "fabulous" life, it is not because I am jealous, it is because I am so heartbroken to see and know that it all means so much to you...I guess that was an issue all along. Knowing that your self-worth is so tied to who you know and all of the bling makes me sad, sad as your wifey thing (whatever I am), sad as your friendy thing, and sad as the mother to your children. I so wished that you would demonstrate how to be your super-talented self, successful and put family first (a tall order, I know). This has been a theme for so long and I am truly happy for you that you are finally in where you wanted to be, just sad for the loss of my dream of family life and our dream of creating something different for our children...and that there is still so much happening in the "real world" here that you are escaping from.
And, I know I should have x, y or z'd while I had the chance...I realize now more than ever why it was so hard to fill your void, it was impossible and my reactions made it worse. Ultimately, I guess it worked for you because it gave you the ammunition you needed to leave and be right where you are now...so, you're welcome.
So, obviously, I can't tell you who to be. I can be friendly with you. I can be happy for you as an individual. But, I am exquisitely heartbroken that all of the bling supersedes the significance of what is happening here and what is being lost...
Sorry to hear you're feeling so down. Does he tell you this stuff directly or are you hearing it from other people that he's talked too?
Why not just tell him that you're sick of hearing it? Obvious his material goods/life is much more important than you and his kids for that matter. For me, I'd trade all the money in the world to hear my daughters' laughter when I'm playing with them. That's what matters in life.
Plus, you can be the poorest person in the world, but be a treasure in the eyes of your family. That's the true reward.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I've told him bunches of times, he slips it in. "Oh, I was at blah blah blah and I ran into so and so who says hi..."
Oh, I might not be able to make it to blah blah blah because I've been invited to blah blah blah...
Me- "Ok, I don't really need to know what your plans are, just if you will be able to keep our agreement."
On and on. I suppose I could tell him I will hang up if he tells me what he's doing but that just makes me seem petty and gratifies him.
Plus, I get all of the fabulous blow by blow from the kids...or I hear them telling a friend, "my daddy knows so and so." BARF.
H loves these kids and he does appreciate their laughter and his time with them...he just thinks that all that other stuff is real.
AND, I'm realizing I'm p*ssed because this is so much of what destroyed us and our marriage. And dammit, he can live his dream. My dream is desecrated and I have to build a new one. I will do it but damn I'm feeling the loss...
I wrote a similar not to be sent note to H. (not sure if I should really be calling him that anymore but whatever) except instead of saying, sorry you chose bling, said,
sorry you need to chose to protect your own pride and ego over the repair of our marriage. Sorry that facing our loss, your feelings and our mistakes together is too uncomfortable for you...and that that discomfort is less acceptable to you than tossing aside our life together and all the very good things that we had...I didn't realize our marriage was no less disposable than a burned out toaster.
And then promptly filed it under, Periodic Ranting by bitter LBW, volume I.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
H called today. Small talk, wanted to know if kids had a good time yesterday ...absolutely, more small talk. I say I've got to run. H says he may want to come by later as he's gotten used to seeing the kids everyday.
I'm stumbling..."Ok, just give me a call ahead of time." He tells me of course he will call first.
Now, Lucky comes to mind and I'm thinking "f*ck this, you leave, you don't get to see your kids every day." Then I'm thinking of AJ "well, we're around, he wants to see the boys, maybe he wants to see me, another opportunity."
So, I don't know if I'm doing the limbo, paint a new picture DB or the boundary setting, get a taste of reality DB...as for what works for ME, I'm too split on it to know which path feels optimal and serves my long run goals.
Anyone?
This one doesn't feel like spinning, it feels like an important decision needs to be made.
AK...I am still catching up on your thread, but for some reason this stuck out at me... what if you thought of it as the DB technique of accepting SOME but not ALL of his invitations. It could be treated like that, without verbalizing a boundary...like "oh, I would let you come by but we will be out...I will call you if we get back in enough time for you to come by".
You could have alreadythought of this or figured it out but I wanted to comment b4 I forgot.
