Funny how this emergency and drama happens while you're away. Tough to believe her. Tough to have compassion. Walk-aways are addicted to attention. I'm sure she'll be just fine.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
I think Puppy is comparing your W to Michael Jackson and all of his fainting and health-related drama that arises when he's in trouble. "Oh, my... pity me. I'm so frail and fragile and weak...." [insert eye roll emoticon]
John, As much as it may seem to be the exact opposite of what you should do now is the time that you need to try to be detached from your wife...remember, she has detached from you. You can do nothing right in her opinion...that is why she left. If you help her she will think she is entilted and you are weak...if you do not she will think you are an *** and that is why she left. If the OM helps he is the knight. The best thing you can do is to do nothing...if she asks for help you have to decide if she really "needs" it or she "wants" it to control you...and your daughter.
I think her symptons are caused by self-induced stress...she knows she is making the most serious mistake of her life...for a woman in her position she could not have made a worse series of poor mistakes...SNCO, multiple affairs with at least one officer (wonder what the ranks of the others were?...are you having money issues and she is worried about money with you both so close to retirement?)..., the affairs while spouse is deployed (very bad for a SNCO), moved out and left daughter, missed opportunities to spend time with daughter, lied to daughter, changed story to say that there was no A when worried about getting in trouble with chain of command, etc...remember, she caused everything that to happen.
As always...what do you want? If you did not have a daughter I would have to recommend a divorce now...your daughter changes things forever and I mean forever. Your W is npt thinking long term...highschool, college, marriage, grandkids, career's after AF, great grandkids, paying off your house, so many options, so many that it is sad to think of what is lost.
I hope you had a GREAT time this week at Disney...sounds like this is YOUR first break after Iraq...do not let this take away from what you did while in Iraq...you are one of our American Hero's...not some sports figure, politician, etc...YOU.
Do not get caught into the trap of thinking your W will rush home if you take care of her now and everything is forgiven and forgotten...she needs to know that she has no one because of her affairs...no one.
What do you want to happen? Think about it...can you live with what she has done. It is not unusual for the LBS to be ticked off later and file for divorce...the longer you allow this to continue the less you are to "win" at court...not trying to tell you one way or the other what to do....just prepare yourself for any option...it is best that you accept that the marriage is over but you would consider to try if certain conditions were met.
The best thing you can do right now is nothing...do not be rude just be "busy", not available, no money to loan, no time to help, etc...
Be busy working on school, volunteer at work, etc...
I hope you had a GREAT time this week at Disney...sounds like this is YOUR first break after Iraq...do not let this take away from what you did while in Iraq...you are one of our American Hero's...not some sports figure, politician, etc...YOU.
Hoop, Thanks as always for the kind words. I don't feel like a hero. I barely feel like a survivor at this point. I have had a good time at Disney with my daughter. My wife called 4 times yesterday. I waited till I was back at the hotel before I answered. Now she says she misses me and wants to come home but not just yet. She doesn't want a divorce but wants to stay in her apartment a bit longer. HMMMMM
So, the real vacation comes for me next week. I'm going TDY to New Mexico on a "good deal" TDY where the hours will be good and there are plenty of good places to eat and some night life. I'm going to test the waters and see if I have some of my old mojo as SP likes to say so much. Should be a good time.
I think I've emotionally detached moreso than I've been letting on as I find myself thinking more and more about other women. I haven't acted on anything yet but I've been tempted. I keep telling myself that this act would make me no better than my wife. I have been approached multiple times by a hot, intelligent 27 year old lovely woman. I don't know how many times I can say no to her before she goes elsewhere. What to do, what to do.
Any yes, if it was possible I would still like to save my marriage. And Hoop, you're right as always, if it wasn't for my daughter, I would have probably already filed for divorce at this point.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
John, I hate to tell you this but do not believe a word she told you...it just is not true. She misses no one and the fairy tale about wanting to come home "but not just yet" is just a continuation of her attempt to control the situation by hopefully preventing you from exposing her to her CoC and keep you hanging on in the background as backup when the OM leaves.
Now and next week is a good time for you to recharge. How is your investigation to confirm the OM identity going?
Your call on the 27 yr old...be aware that your emotions are very raw right now. If you were to pursue a relationship with this person then you need to seriously consider what you want to to with your wife...you have the upper hand in a custody battle right now if your W were to file...do not lose that advantage. I know right now you may be a little low on your feeling of self worth and all that but you will find there are many 27ish (IMHO a little too young for you right now to be serious about and you will want to be a little because of your W affair) women for you if you wish...after the divorce. No need to jump in feet first. Go slow no matter what you decide to do...
Again, Phoenixdeux has probably given you the best advice you will ever get from anyone..."it's not as easy as that anymore.
Just be careful...of your own emotions and others. Don't let your W very poor morals change yours...you will regret it the rest of your life. The guilt will hit you at the worst moments in your life...be a good man. You have done the right thing so far...as a father, husband, and a SNCO.
Again, take care of D, do not get on the booze train, secure your money (all WAWs talk a good talk and promise everything until they get involved with OM and a lawyer).
Been a while since I've posted. I'm TDY to New Mexico right now. After I returned from my vacation at Disney the wife showed up that day to drop the dog off and was very friendly. We ended up ML and continued to be friendly for the next few days. She talked about moving home and wanting to go on our family cruise in Sep. She has continued to call everyday sometimes 2-4 times a day. She is getting less friendly--I suspected this would happen so I have been careful to not throw myself into this emotionally as difficult as it is. She is watching my D at my house instead of at her apartment. She said it was because she wanted my D to be more comfortable and that the dog was too noisy at her apartment. She's got an explanation for everything. She even went so far as to say that our D doesn't want her to be around. She said all our D wants to do is watch tv. I told her that she needed to take the lead and play games with her, go for a walk, whatever it takes to keep my D away from the TV. Anyway, from our conversations, she seems to want to return to her apartment as soon as possible. She went to see an Army recruiter to find out about a direct commission also. She has the paperwork and is filling it out. It almost seems like she's stringing me along to keep me available as a last resort. I was out for dinner last night with some folks I'm TDY with and she called. I ignored her call and she called again today at lunch and had the nerve to tell me that she was hurt that I didn't return her call last night.
M-41 ex-W-40 Together--17 years SS-20 D-14 Bomb--2 Feb 09 WAW--6 Feb 09 Officially divorced on 2 Jun 2010!!! ex-W has a boyfriend 8 Jun 2010!!! Off we go into the wild blue yonder!!!!
