Hmm...Setting a boundary. Setting the stage for the two of you to talk like adults. Hmm... Seems like you are making progress to me
AJ- I've suggested to H so many times that we handle these matters between us, even before the sep. You know the whole "good cop, bad cop" routine. I think I am going to have to manage it myself. He doesn't get it. Even when touchy things come up with the kids around, I will say "let's not do this in front of them" and he doesn't listen...I have to come up with my own way of managing communication. Like I said, if S9 calls me, I will just say that daddy and I will discuss it (of course H will do this in front of them so they know if I am the impasse to them having their fun)...this has gone on for a long time.
H called today. Small talk, wanted to know if kids had a good time yesterday ...absolutely, more small talk. I say I've got to run. H says he may want to come by later as he's gotten used to seeing the kids everyday.
I'm stumbling..."Ok, just give me a call ahead of time." He tells me of course he will call first.
Now, Lucky comes to mind and I'm thinking "f*ck this, you leave, you don't get to see your kids every day." Then I'm thinking of AJ "well, we're around, he wants to see the boys, maybe he wants to see me, another opportunity."
So, I don't know if I'm doing the limbo, paint a new picture DB or the boundary setting, get a taste of reality DB...as for what works for ME, I'm too split on it to know which path feels optimal and serves my long run goals.
Anyone?
This one doesn't feel like spinning, it feels like an important decision needs to be made.
Since I am doing the Limbo, I do not know what to advise you. I had to get comfortable enough in me to allow DH over here all the time and I still struggle with it. But on the flipside, as you said--he gets to see you in your wonderfulness, too. IF you can act as if--allow him to come over, if you cannot tell him it is not a good thing for him to be there all the time. It depends on what you are currently comfortable with.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
I'm trying to stand in your shoes right now. The problem I'm having is that you don't really now how long this frequent contact is going to go on. Do you know when he's skipping town again? Is he just going to vanish and then you will be left not knowing what it's going to be like when he comes back again?
I wouldn't want me or my kid to be jacked around like that. I would need more to rely on. I would want to have some kind of expectations/some loose form of a schedule that I could trust and plan my life around. But that's ME and my need for some control, not you. You and your sons might be able to wing it better than I.
At some point, you might be too busy for last minute calls and it might annoy you that he just wants to pick you and the kids up and put you down at his whim. For now, you're doing what YOU want to do FOR YOU. As long as it isn't damaging to you and the kids, as long as you'll be able to cope when he's gone again, why not.
Do you know when he's skipping town again? Is he just going to vanish and then you will be left not knowing what it's going to be like when he comes back again?
I think he is leaving town again in July. Honestly, I can live with that.
I am not sure if it is better to let my kids have as much time with him as possible when he is town or if it is too confusing. This is their dad, that is his lifestyle. I can't imagine if he is gone for another month insisting that he stick to the twice a week plan when he returns. However, I can't imagine living like this indefinitely. In the fall, we will be forced to deal with living arrangements (if it doesn't happen sooner)...
He has two days designated for him and I know in advance so I can make plans for myself. If I had plans with the kids this afternoon, I would say no to him. I'm just not sure I want to say no just to say no and I am not sure that I want to be rigid about our arrangement, just not clear on how that serves me or the kids right now.
The main issue that bothers me is that his days are his days and I don't interject myself in his days. So, maybe (here's an aha moment) I can designate my two days to be with just them and the other days can be more flexible...that could feel more equitable.
AAK, Sounds like your H controls you by witholding information. How about a 180 and getting a schedule like AJ suggests? You are getting jerked around and need to set a healthy boundary here. Otherwise you are "Mothering" him and taking care of things while he is off at summer camp. Handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well.... He is their father and the boys seem to relish their time with him, no matter how confusing it may be to them. I wouldn't block his access to them unless he was doing something illegal or unsuitable (in your standards) for the children.
Some kind of agreed upon schedule would be a healthy thing for everybody. Your 2 "protected" days is a good start. As you go along, if the schedule doesn't work out, simply change it.
