I hate my H

[Jimbo]

Hi Hope- How are you doing? Hanging in there OK?

Have you really detatched...truly?

In your head AND your heart?

I guess I don't know what it means to truly detach. I still get disappointed when I don't see any progress. But I'm just kind of telling myself - who cares? why would I expect anything else? I have stopped living in fear. I haven't been worrying about things as much. Haven't been thinking about what if he files for divorce? I mean I do think about it some & then say - there's nothing I can do if he does & that is the end of the thought.

Truly detaching means recognizing that, since there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do for your H in helping him on his journey, you need to back off and let him have the "control", as Forrest puts it. If you don't, you will only drive him further away.

This whole giving over of "control" can make us feel sub-human. We give it- they take it, and without a moment's hesitation. We become selfless and in return, we are rewarded with selfishness from them. It's not fair. AT ALL! But it is necessary. And it's precisely why we need to focus on ourselves right now. Because that is the only thing in life that we actually do have any real control over. Since they won't (CAN'T!) be there for us right now, we need to be there for ourselves. I can't stress how important that is to your well being.

It's only natural to feel disappointment when you see absolutely NO progress. I know how you feel. It's hard for me to buoy myself up in my sitch, when, for the past year and a half, she has, for all intents and purposes, ditched me. Moved out of the house...doesn't call...only emails when she needs something from the house, and even then only spews about moving forward with the D. Very depressing stuff. But my point is that this is not a sprint, Hope. THIS IS A MARATHON, and they have to go through this. And so do we.

You can't fool me. I know you care. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here. And your stoic attitude is admirable, but don't use it to try to hide from the pain and avoid your feelings! If you suppress those feelings now, they will only explode later...and most likely in your H's presence, which we all know won't help the sitch at all!

Don't hide from them. Honor yourself by honoring your emotions, but do it in private. And vent here, too.

I just feel like our R has dwindled to nothing. There isn't even anything to talk about anymore. H seems to continue to pull away emotionally. I guess I don't worry about it & continue on being the best me I can & living my life & being a great mom. Coaching call w/Laurie tomorrow morning.

I probably don't have to tell you- this is part of the process. The spouses know something is wrong, but they don't know what. They're so busy with trying to figure out what it is for themselves and avoiding their own issues that they don't (CAN'T!) contribute to the R anymore. Don't let this phase you- it's not you.