I hate my H

[Done in VA]

Yep - I know exactly where Rt. 610 is! Thanks for checking on me. It motivated me to give an update on the coaching call I had w/Laurie yesterday. We discussed the MC session which took place 6/9:

We chat a bit & mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wks that has offended him. He said no. Mc says how did that feel? H says I didn't really notice bc I've disconnected. Nothing has changed with regard to my feelings for her. Mc asked h to look me in the eye & say that. Looks at me & says my feelings just aren't there for you, sorry.

At the end I say I would like to ask you something. When you said you weren't feeling anything for me, do u want to? Are you trying to? H says to b honest, no.

Laurie said she doesn't know anyone else in this scenario that would have said anything different. If he would have said yes to even wanting to have feelings for me, me & MC would have jumped all over that glimmer of hope & he's not ready to commit to that yet.

I say then why are we here? H says bc I didn't want to leave any stone unturned & I don't think I have.

Laurie said this was my glimmer of hope.

1. mc asks if I said anything in the past 2 wks that has offended him. He said no.

2. I said my dream is still that our m will survive & that our kids will have a family. In the meantime I am becoming the best me I can be for wherever this life takes me. I realize I am the only one that can make me happy.

H says she finally gets it - she's a strong person & no matter how things end up, we will all survive. I say survive implies just getting by. And I'm not okay with that.

Laurie said even though H was not being positive #1, he was AT LEAST still acknowledging changes which is a good thing. #2 - she said as much as I don't care for H's interpretation of what I said, he is seeing something different. I have taken even more guilt & pressure off of him by being strong & showing him I can make it on my own.

I said well even with you being more assertive, you still don't have any complaints about me so I think our worlds can coexist.

Laurie said it would have been better to say something like - I realize we have only had around 2 good weeks together where I haven't done anything that's bothered you & that's not much time to have your feelings turn around. I wouldn't expect them to. I just want to continue on & see if we can get to a point where living in the house together is enjoyable. She said I was showing him that I had hope in my last statement & he does not want me to have hope yet.


Jump ahead to 6/12 - now just to remind everyone the PREVIOUS week, H had been communicating with me quite frequently about his plans.

he must have called someone on his way home & went straight out w/them bc he hadn't been to the house. My neighbor came over, sat on the deck & drank a few beers. Woke up at 1:30am when the dog barked bc H arrived home. Never told me where he went - never asked.

Laurie's theory was that H did this to try to take my hope away again since I'd expressed some at MC.