I believe being in the house with someone who had already decided our M was over was counter-productive. I also believe for DR to work, in most cases the WAS has to have an element of doubt in their mind as to whether they want to re-commit to a M. They want an A, it may be MLC, an emotional detachment from their spouse or any number of reasons why they walk away. But in some cases they are prepared to go to C, seperate for the right reasons, while the LBS betters themselves by DR'ing, GAL etc etc.
In my case and which is mentioned in DR, some spouses decide they really have had enough 'die hards' I think Michelle called them, and decide to call it a day.
This is what has happened in my case. I can tell you though, three great things have happenedd to me - 1. I now have a lovely R with my children which I never had before 2. I have re-connected with my own family and their support has been terrific 3. With all of you here I have learnt and will continue to learn about myself (of which I feel I am a better person), and have learnt about relationships, the way women feel and I hope with what I have learnt will make me a more giving, thoughful and caring person.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Mark - I am not in the least bit offended! I wasn't posting in order to get any kind of validation for myself -simply to encourage you / to ensure that you are able to see all possibilities / options within your situation for what they really are and not to go down one road because it seems to be the prescriptive DBing way of dealing with your current circumstances...
I was a bit concerned I had not seen any posts here or on other threads, so I hope you are ok.
Unfortunately, as you may have seen from previous posts our R has now become very strained due to the fact I am starting to ask my W for assistance with the mortgage, council tax and certain bills.
I am due to return to the marital home this month when I have to vacate the property I am currently in. My W was happy to move to her parents house whuch is sitting empty until the end of August. I was due to stay until October, when all of a sudden my W has been advised NOT to leave the marital home in case I do not leave when stated.
This has caused a rift between us and I can see things getting worse because we have not agreed on a financial split either, and that is also an issue.
I believe I have been very fair to date paying all the bills at a home I am currently not living in. I am still out of work, hence I do not believe I am being unreasonable to ask for assistance as my W is working.
Julia, I also believe my W is still angry because things are not quite going her way. I think she is now involved in a PA which makes me feel numb and sick, but this has no real bearing on my current stance.
I must protect my future and that of the childrens and I hope things can be achieved on an adult basis, but at the moment I have my doubts.
On the positive side, I am having a great time with my children, and I have also re-connected with my family, though I am trying not to get them involved too much in my situation.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Yes, I was a little quiet for a while. I am busy packing up my house to move. You can always catch me on my thread in Separated.
I'm sorry things are still the way they are with w, I think you are doing really well though in handling it and more inportantly you sound so much stronger.
I'm so pleased you have this opportunity with your kids. That is wonderful!
Well, its been a few days but our R has got worse I'm afraid. Because my W is not getting things her way now she really is becoming quite nasty.
She sent a response letter to me for the one I sent her asking to pay half the mortgage, community charge and help with the utility bills. She has succumbed to this but her response was that I am a vindictive, greedy and nasty man only concerned with money, I will only pay the minimum child maintenance, and basically more personal attacks.
This is unwarranted as up to this point I have validated her and enabled her lifestyle. I also signed D papers when presented with, I moved out of the marital home to give her space, so I would say I have done my part in trying to keep things orderly and civil.
Her staying out and buying personal items continues, she is still rushing things through, though I am going to fight with her over the final settlement which I an afraid is inevitable.
I am moving back into the marital home this weekend when my W and children move into my PIL's house. My W tried to prevent me doing this but the law was on my side so I am returning until the financial situation is sorted out. She is trying to get me to move out before but I am refusing to, therefore she is now using the children as an excuse for me to move out, but I am not really buying this as a reason.
The only positive is my time with the children which is precious to me. I miss them so much when I don't see them and I am very sad. I still love my W, but she has told me again she does not love me, in fact she stated she is starting to despise me over my behaviour, so any chance of a reconcilliation in the future is doomed I feel.
I would like some feedback on my post, just advice or just some support would be great.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Well, its been a few days but our R has got worse I'm afraid. Because my W is not getting things her way now she really is becoming quite nasty.
She sent a response letter to me for the one I sent her asking to pay half the mortgage, community charge and help with the utility bills. She has succumbed to this but her response was that I am a vindictive, greedy and nasty man only concerned with money, I will only pay the minimum child maintenance, and basically more personal attacks.
This is unwarranted as up to this point I have validated her and enabled her lifestyle. I also signed D papers when presented with, I moved out of the marital home to give her space, so I would say I have done my part in trying to keep things orderly and civil.
Her staying out and buying personal items continues, she is still rushing things through, though I am going to fight with her over the final settlement which I an afraid is inevitable.
I am moving back into the marital home this weekend when my W and children move into my PIL's house. My W tried to prevent me doing this but the law was on my side so I am returning until the financial situation is sorted out. She is trying to get me to move out before but I am refusing to, therefore she is now using the children as an excuse for me to move out, but I am not really buying this as a reason.
The only positive is my time with the children which is precious to me. I miss them so much when I don't see them and I am very sad. I still love my W, but she has told me again she does not love me, in fact she stated she is starting to despise me over my behaviour, so any chance of a reconcilliation in the future is doomed I feel.
I would like some feedback on my post, just advice or just some support would be great.
Mark,
I'm seeing nothing POSITIVES (which I've highlightedabove), unless you count how she's REACTING to this, which, really, was to be expected, was it not???
So learn to steel yourself against her bluster, and revel in the satisfaction of learning to "DO THE RIGHT THING" and the things that are going your way.
I realize, this requires a change in the way you think about things, as you move away from a co-dependent "Will this make her mad? How will she react? How will her reaction make ME feel?" paradigm and into this "DO THE RIGHT THING IN EVERY SITUATION" one, but it is, nevertheless, what you need to do, in my opinion.
Her staying out and buying personal items continues,
A judge will not look kindly on her squandering family assets in this way, and it will come out as part of the financial disclosures you will both have to do as part of your case.
