Thanks for the great advice and support SP! As always, I really do appreciate it.
I am really sorry that you had to go through what you did yesterday. I know you were resigned to it (being dead...) but I kept hoping for your sake and your kids that she might decide for a last minute deferral - "Well, maybe we don't have to tell them today...let's wait a bit." Although "hope is not a plan" for any of us in our sitches, we can certainly hope for the best for each other.
I'm glad you are able to stay strong for your kids. Your posts about it really got me thinking about what it would be like for mine.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I read "Peaks and Valleys" yesterday. Thanks for the recommendation SP!
Amazing how closely the messages in this parable mirror the advice given in this forum:
- find the good in a bad situation. Use it to learn and grow - get outside of yourself - meet new people and do new things (GAL) - do the opposite of what got you into the bad situation (180's) - build a vision and start acting on it (act as if)
It should probably be require reading for us all.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Since I am traveling and not in frequent contact with my W, I am considering experimenting with a new way if discussing difficult topics with my W - written via email rather than face to face. The alternative would be to remain dark except for coordination re the kids and give her space and time.
I have drafted the following email and am considering sending it:
----- Dear Mrs Thinker,
On Saturday night you spoke longingly of your father. You miss him and still need him. You believe that I just can't understand how you feel and how it affects you.
It is true that I have not experienced the same loss and pain as you have here, but I do understand loss and I do understand pain. You are my wife, my friend and the mother of my children, and I really care about you. I want to understand your loss and your pain and it is important to me that I do so.
I know that it is difficult for you to talk to me about this, and I understand, but maybe you can write to me about it instead.
Will you?
It would help me very much if you could,
...and maybe it would help you too.
Take care of yourself.
Thinker
-----
I appreciate your feedback. Any edits/ suggestions? Should I send, or is that just pressure. Is remaining dark and giving her space the better option.
I could just hold off and bring up the topic in MC in a week.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I like it, but to me, it would sound better without these four lines and if you replaced the "." after instead with "?"
Quote:
Will you?
It would help me very much if you could,
...and maybe it would help you too.
Take care of yourself.
By saying it would help you, it doesn't keep it "about her". By telling yer it might "help her", she might feel you are trying to "fix" it. "Take care" may almost come across as telling her what to do rather than how you intend it...
My version of the same to Mrs. AEN would be:
On Saturday night you spoke longingly of your father. It made me feel that you still miss him or need him. I could never fully understand how you feel and how it affects you because I have not experienced the same loss and pain as you have here.
But, I do understand loss and I do understand pain. You are my wife, my friend and the mother of my children, and I really care about you. I want to try to understand the loss and pain you've been through. I want to listen just to hear, not because I believe I can fix it for you.
I know that it is difficult for you to talk to me about this, and I understand, but maybe you can write to me about it instead?
My two cents...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea. With of course the usual caveats about how everyone's different, etc ... my H. and I found email to be an absolute lifesaver during some of our more contentious times. With email, neither one of us felt the same pressure to immediately 'defend our position' we experienced in a face-to-face. It took that knee-jerk-emotional-reactivity-leading-to-unproductive-tangents and the resultant ruffled feathers right out of the picture.
The key is to avoid email exchanges flying fast and furious, lest you yield the above advantage. Read, think, write, think, re-read, think, edit, think .... send. You get the idea.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
So I floated the test balloon and it disappeared without returning results.
As I (honestly) expected, I have gotten no response to the mail I sent yesterday. No return mail and no mention of the mail when we talked yesterday evening.
Still glad I sent it-i expressed myself.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/18/0912:58 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
