I can relate to so much of what you're going through right now. It's so hurtful and frustrating to realize that our WAH do not want to be with us. But I think it helps to consider that they are probably in just as much pain (if not more) as we are because they are facing their own issues, some that probably never got resolved from childhood. They are in a fog and are not thinking clearly about anything. But they are clear in that they don't want to be with us right now. They've decided that it's more painful to be with us. So we have to step back and let them go so they can heal themselves and figure out what they want. It seems unfair that they can walk away from us, (especially as newlyweds!)but we really don't have any control over them. And if we truly love them, we wouldn't want them to stay with us if they're unhappy, would we?
When my H first left, I scheduled a counseling appt. for us, he initially acted interested, but he didn't show up. I made another one and emailed him the info, he didn't show up again. So I stopped letting him know about the appts, I figured if he wants to go, then he will ask me about it and go. I think if I were to continue talking and encouraging the counseling, then it may backfire and he would become resentful.
I've heard about the Catholic Retrouvaille weekends, they've saved many marriages. But again, with the frame of mind your H is in, I think he would be cynical if you mentioned it. However, if he respects you MC, then I would go ahead and ask her to suggest it to him.
As far as offering to sacrifice something in the divorce settlement to make him go, I would NOT do that. That would show him that you are willing to compromise your self-respect to save the marriage.
As much as we want our H back, we have to hold ourselves together with dignity and respect. They know we want to reconcile, but they will only look at us in a pitiful and unattractive light if we act out of desperation. When they see us moving forward, they will begin to look and think of us in a new light. Moving forward does not mean that we are giving up hope on our marriages. It just means that we are going to have a fulfilling life with or without them. We are going to shine our light despite the darkness that our Hs have created.
I hope I've been supportive and helpful. When I write to someone whose circumstance are so similar to mine, it helps me, too.
Me 40 WAH 43 T 4 years M 10 months Stepson 9 H left 1 month ago No D filed
