All I really have to say is "I know"....I believe you hit the nail on the head, and my thinking the past couple of days has become much more clear.
First guys...I was not agreeing that I had become a wuss over the past 14 months. Over DB'd..probably....wish that I had mixed in a hell of a lot more time for myself and grown on my own, instead of focusing so much on her..of course.
When I agreed with Phoenix, I was agreeing with the fact that I should have made more of an independent life for myself over this year, and certainly now, must move positively in that direction.
Bill is right...my goal all through this was a 180 in the way I treated my wife through our marriage, and that was what I did..she got the love, kindness and respect that she lacked for many years.
Knowing how unhappy she was for so many years, I will never regret how I treated her and the things that I tried to accomplish. The only regrets are more like a job I didn't complete the way I intended, or a game I didn't win...and given the opportunity, can look back now more subjectively and see where I made most of my mistakes.
I am never going to know the truth about what she felt for most of those months prior to the OM, but I do know what I felt and what I saw...it's all on here...sometimes on a day to day journal, just like all of us.
She sees things differently now, and for that matter, so do I..but like Steady said "You can't change the past"..to that I would add, but you can change the future.
My goal, still, is to remain true to what I have done this past year, and that is becoming more difficult as the time comes closer to them actually meeting..if in fact it comes to that.
As I pull farther away from her these past few days, I notice a little more sadness and turmoil surfacing in her, like the little fantasy scenario she had created is not going to go as planned.
From the start of all this, and as recently as the spring and our last R talk when she told me we were best friends for the first time in 20 years....she was still planning on that fantasy to come true.
"The perfect divorce"....I would lovingly step away...we would work out all the financial and logistical problems over drinks and sex, each of us starting separate lives and remaining best buddies...being there for each other when we needed.
If I still know my wife at all, and I'm not sure I do, she is not stepping through this door lightly. Up until a week ago this was all fantasy, and I see the reality sinking in in her face.
My decision has been made, and my only concerns now are how to get through this and remain true to myself. Her decision will not affect mine, but she is going to have to accept it, live with it and acknowledge the fact to our daughter, our friends and families....all of those around us who saw....like all of you heard...what the two of us were experiencing for the past 14 months.
