What really creates change? Is it just being different until it becomes second nature? Must I just be so ultra self-conscious until I can trust myself more?
Figure it out yet? If not, spend some time figuring that out. You know the answer to that question though, don't you?
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Specific event to chew on. H picked up kids from school today and took them to gagillion dollar mansion to hang out. Was supposed to then bring them home. S9 called and left me a message asking if they could stay there for dinner.
I spin. I feel- left out, threatened by all of the fabulousness that is drawing them in, pissed that S9 called instead of H, annoyed that we have such willy nilly arrangements (though it does serve me some times), that overwhelming sensation that H is going to knock their socks off and I'm gonna be the brass tacks, simple life, go to bed mom.
Get a hold of your fear. Face it. Embrace it. Revel in it. Don't shy away from it, but recognize this is fear. Fear your husband may have a relationship with the kids. Guess what? He wants to have a relationship with the kids. He has shown that. He has shown that he wants it his way. You have shown that scares you. And has for many years, hasn't it? Remember when I asked you about letting him just have custody if you didn't want to be the mom you are? THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. Does saying it louder help? Does the clue-by-four help? If not, please ask. This is an important barrier between the two of you. It screams out. It doesn't have to be this way.
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I speak to H. I tell him it is fine (I can here them having a blast in the background). I mention that I think it is better if he handles schedule changes rather than the kids. He says if I want I can pick them up. Not the point. I say it is really fine, I just think they should know that the agreements are between the grown ups (presumably us wink ) and if there are changes, we will discuss them between us. I could tell that was just too much mothering for him.
Hmm...Setting a boundary. Setting the stage for the two of you to talk like adults. Hmm... Seems like you are making progress to me
Figured out why you spin yet? What is it that is happening that gives him such power over you? Or is it him?
Be well. Write much. AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
