I can't believe I'm saying it but S may be the best option. H is constntly threatening to leave. I have made whatever changes he's asked and it's not enough. He is distant and cold. I think I could do better self-care with him gone. I also think staying in the same house is in no way making him want to stay together. He seems to despise me more each day, treating me rudely, and not involved with the kids at all.
Fallgirl, I think that was brave of you to say that to your H. But very caring, given your concern with the sleeping pills.
It's nice to hear some of the posters say that kids may be better off with S. Right now my H is being such a distant, uninvolved jerk that in no way are the kids in a good sitch now. The many meltdowns and tears they're having is proof of that!
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
I had a great time last Friday. One of my friends ahd organized a meal for six of us ladies and our assorted kids in her house. Such fun!
Then, on Saturday, I tackled a couple of those man jobs my H is neglecting. He usually gets a guy in to cut the grass but I found out how to use to mower and just got on with it-and with a little help from the kids. I also topped up the oil in my car. Never got up close with t dipstick before so that`s a new skill for me.
I find I`m tranquil and detached too. The only thing that bothers me is that my peace is like a red rag to a bull with H and I know he`s itching to start a row. All he has to do is move out but he wants that to be my decision and now feels trapped because he hasn`t the guts to make that choice himself. So he`s going to needle me into getting him to leave I think.
We`ll see. I really do believe that despite everything we could have a good working relationship. But H may never get to that point of going to counselling.This morning he practically elbowed me out his way twice.
Luckily i`ve a busy week ahead and shouldn`t be around him too much.
Since you know he is itching for a row, hopefully you can sidestep it! It's going to drive him crazy, but he has to go through it. At some point, when he can't drawn you in, he may realize that it is him he is really upset with. Though in his current state I would not count on that.
The WAS trying to get the LBS to be the "bad guy" seems to be a pretty common theme. Actually, I think my W would say that her leaving was my idea. They don't want the responsibility.
I told my husband last PM it was okay to move out. He's been threatening it for weeks and I'm sick of all the threats. I felt so peaceful saying that to him. He says he wants to work on the R and invited me to dinner on Wed.
He says he'll be moving out Sunday, which is Father's Day. We have 3 kids---does anyone else find this ironic?
I am at peace. I don't know what will happen...I'm sick of being angry, sick of his threats and emotional lability. I'd rather be alone...I think.
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
Well, Jeff,you know my H well. Yup, I`ve been sidestepping but he`s laying around like a lion ready to pounce.
Last night he lay on my bed watching a history programme on TV even though he hates history. I knew trouble was brewing.He said it was my turn to sleep downstairs. Said he was really tired going to bed after the kids getting up before them as he1s not letting them know he`s sleeping in the guestroom. I said he`s welcome to sleep in `my` bed. He refused point blank. I sympathised with him and said I hated to see him so tortured in himself and that I`d sleep on the floor in my room if he wanted the bed. He refused that too.
All the while I`m lying there quietly listening to him and a torrent of anger comes out. Usual stuff about all this being my fault. I asked him how were his plans going for separation since he said he was moving out two weeks ago. He said I could move. Then he said, he`d move down to his home county.
I said what about the kids then. he said they could move with him.He said he could afford a place down there...
He can`t. And he cant take the kids away from their family home either. But he obviously had thought any of that through.
I said would separation be the best thing for the kids. He said all i ever think of is the kids. I scknowledged that I didn`t think enough of him and put the kids first always and then I got more anger all about how much I hurt him etc etc. How he should never have married me...never wants sex with me again..I was too strong for him...we don`t have the same interests...i don`t appreciate all the sports he does...
I stayed in DB mode. Didn`t argue. Just listened and kept sympathizing with how he`s feeling. Said I was concerned about the impact of all of this on his health.
then he said he would just have to live with it because his mother did not want him to separate and he couldn`t put her through that hurt!
Whoa! So its ok to put us all thro hell just because that`s what MIL wants!But I gently said it was so important for him to make his own decisions for himself.
On it went in circles. Me being calm tho everything is my fault. he even admitted at one point that he really feels like hurting me. But I knew that already.
Said he is avoiding people, even his siblings.Refuses to seek professional help of any sort as he `doesn`t need it`.said he`s not depressed or suicidal, just `pissed off`.
I`m actually quite calm still despite all this. I think I feel ok cos the pain of the separation has been put off for the kids for another while.And I get a lot of joy out of life anyhow despite this burden.
But I`m know I`m at Crazy Station!
Glad you`re getting some peace 2il!and no the irony of your H`s announcement doesn`t surprise me;they`re oblivious to family occasions cos they`re oblivious to family.
Hugs to you! There`s life ahead for all of us and choices too!
On it went in circles. Me being calm tho everything is my fault. he even admitted at one point that he really feels like hurting me. But I knew that already.
Fallgirl, this statement scares me. Do you feel safe staying at home with H? Does he have a history of violence?
It sounds like you're doing awesome with DBing. You did everything right with that conversation. And it's clear that the more calm and reasonable that you are, the more unsettled and confused he is becoming!!
Don't let him take the kids! They need to stay in their home; S would be hard enough for them alone, much less having to move. Plus this is H's issue, and he would be the one initiating leaving, not you. Therefore you stay in the house with the kids.
Stay strong, sounds like you're doing well with DB'ing!
Me 39 H 42 M 11, T 12 S 10,6 D 3 EA 2007 separated in same home since 3/10/09
H`s temper has always been a problem for him. That and his inability to articulate his difficulties. So the pattern for him was always to get into a sulk and then explode to the point where I would be afraid he would hit me, I`d back down and he would stay in his sulk.
He never acknowledged his difficulties. Never sought therapy.Never considered that his parents marriage impacted on ours.It was/is all my fault.
So the fear was always there. Last October he took that even further by exploding within earshot of the kids, ripping off his jacket and tie and challenging me to a boxing match. I went to court for a protection order.He`s now angry that I did that but I have no regrets because now he is articulating his thoughts instead of lashing out.
In fact, even though things are awful in our M at this point I can see two pieces of progress-he has said more than he ever has (even if its not exactly what I want to hear!) and because of LRT and therapy I am a calmer person. In fact I`m even tranquil at this point.
I had hoped to get us to a calmer point. I`m calmer anyway, and even though H is IMHO in a crazy place maybe we are both steering to calmer waters.
No fear of me letting him teke the kids. He wouldn`t be a fit parent to them at this point and hey, they`re my joy in life!
One of the points of LRT is to mind yourself. I`ve been doing that in lots of ways but I have to say that finding a really good therapist has been one of the best gifts of my LRT.
What is my role in this Crazy dance? why do I need to control everything from the marriage, to my H`s recovery?Why do I get so afraid so easily?
I`ve been to three counsellors before this. They sat, listened but didn`t challenge. This time I`ve a jungian therapist(don`t know if the jungian bit is important) who listens and challenges. I have found a great deal of calmness and tranquillity four sessions on which I feel is mainly due to this lady.
So my detaching from H as recommended by LRT is more real. My calmness is not acted either and I`m finally getting to a point where I`m not thinking obsessively about every little detail of our relationship.
I am begining to let go.
I have lots more work to do. I have to heal a lot of hurt in my life. I have to feel my fears, my reasons for them and let them go.I know this journey make even take me further away from H and the marriage but I`m begining to see that is may be okay too.
