It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, (((BM)))

Yes, it's all about me. I really get tired of the mood swings though. I don't know if it's PMS, or peri-menopause (Jeff, you are SOOOOO lucky you don't have to put up with this crap!)but I was so emotional today. After such a good weekend too! I was weepy and kept thinking about H all day while working. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I was having a dream about him when the alarm went off this morning.

S18 was here at the house when I got home (he had asked if he could meet a friend here and I said yes). I took him to look at a cheap used car, and then while driving in the car I was asking about how his weekend went with H......why do I do that!!??? I know that makes S18 feel put in the middle, and I just want him to see his mother strong!! He was really good about it, but I still called him back later and apologized if I made him uncomfortable. It's hard because H is so reserved with me and I know that he does sometimes talk with S18 more openly. Anyway, I just hate that just when I seem to be doing so well, I have a real bonehead day!

Then this evening, my brother came over.....drunk...... didn't like that but wasn't about to tell him to drive back home to my mom's house (20 minutes away) like that......so he's asleep in my spare room now. We did talk a little. He gets talkative when he drinks, and he started talking about H and stuff. He said that he thinks that, while H is not wanting to change his decision to leave, he at least realizes now that he really messed up and is sorry he hurt me and wants to "do right by me". Then he said that, even thought he treated me like sh*t, H really is a "good guy" underneath. That, of course, made me cry! So my big brother hugged me and we cried together. I really do love my brother, and I worry about him. He really sells himself short. But, I restated to him that he was welcome here any time, but not when he drinks because I don't have the ability detach emotionally when he is like that. He told me I didn't need to share my feelings then, and I told him that if he shows up at my door drunk, he is choosing to listen to how I feel about that!!

I'm sure hoping that tomorrow is better.....

I'll be busy the next few days with my deep water aerobics and C......and I'm trying to talk sandycay into going up to the dream house this weekend for some "girl time"..... she and I could both use it I think......