Do you think I keep that little revelation I had to myself (about the times we were away from him)? Save it if the topic ever comes up? And in the meantime, create a different experience?
This is so hard, he is planning on doing all kinds of stuff with them without me...
The rock wants to cry and wakes up so disappointed. It is so odd how these other sitches impact me and my feelings.
Last night, yours nearly killed me...I mean it is so exquisitely painful to watch these slow births and know that there has to be so much lost in the interim. AND, to know that we Hs and Ws just miss each other (I mean like when a child is lost and you tell them to stay still so you don't keep missing them)...
This pursuit of seeking objectivity and watching from the sidelines while we simultaneously play our parts, well it makes me wish I was just a regular person who just does what they do...this hurts.
Maybe I'll try to go out of town. I don't know how to stop the yoyo in my game plan.
What really creates change? Is it just being different until it becomes second nature? Must I just be so ultra self-conscious until I can trust myself more?
Figure it out yet? If not, spend some time figuring that out. You know the answer to that question though, don't you?
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Specific event to chew on. H picked up kids from school today and took them to gagillion dollar mansion to hang out. Was supposed to then bring them home. S9 called and left me a message asking if they could stay there for dinner.
I spin. I feel- left out, threatened by all of the fabulousness that is drawing them in, pissed that S9 called instead of H, annoyed that we have such willy nilly arrangements (though it does serve me some times), that overwhelming sensation that H is going to knock their socks off and I'm gonna be the brass tacks, simple life, go to bed mom.
Get a hold of your fear. Face it. Embrace it. Revel in it. Don't shy away from it, but recognize this is fear. Fear your husband may have a relationship with the kids. Guess what? He wants to have a relationship with the kids. He has shown that. He has shown that he wants it his way. You have shown that scares you. And has for many years, hasn't it? Remember when I asked you about letting him just have custody if you didn't want to be the mom you are? THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. Does saying it louder help? Does the clue-by-four help? If not, please ask. This is an important barrier between the two of you. It screams out. It doesn't have to be this way.
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I speak to H. I tell him it is fine (I can here them having a blast in the background). I mention that I think it is better if he handles schedule changes rather than the kids. He says if I want I can pick them up. Not the point. I say it is really fine, I just think they should know that the agreements are between the grown ups (presumably us wink ) and if there are changes, we will discuss them between us. I could tell that was just too much mothering for him.
Hmm...Setting a boundary. Setting the stage for the two of you to talk like adults. Hmm... Seems like you are making progress to me
Figured out why you spin yet? What is it that is happening that gives him such power over you? Or is it him?
Be well. Write much. AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Smiley, I think that the "active standing" (we'll rewrite the DB lingo yet) you are doing is so different than the sort of living/standing/moving on that occurs when the WAS physically leaves...The good news for you is that you have done EVERYTHING you could possibly do while she is there.
Once they're gone, it is both a relief and a sort of emotional vacuum.
Get a hold of your fear. Face it. Embrace it. Revel in it. Don't shy away from it, but recognize this is fear. Fear your husband may have a relationship with the kids. Guess what? He wants to have a relationship with the kids. He has shown that. He has shown that he wants it his way. You have shown that scares you. And has for many years, hasn't it? Remember when I asked you about letting him just have custody if you didn't want to be the mom you are? THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. Does saying it louder help? Does the clue-by-four help? If not, please ask. This is an important barrier between the two of you. It screams out. It doesn't have to be this way.
I want him to have a relationship with his kids...the Disneyland Dad thing is a different ball game.
I'm still not getting you on the custody...I mean, I do but my concerns about the example that H is setting for my boys and the confusion and chaos of our arrangement is not suggestive (at least to me ;)) that I don't want to be the mom I am...and yes, this is a barrier between us. I cut him a lot of slack but he is acting like a star-f*cker and dragging his kids into that world. Fine line and I can't do much about it but I've got my feelings about it.
I take every chance to let him have them more AND give him acknowledgement as a dad often especially when he is just with them and focusing on them.
I'll take more if you think I'm not getting it. Spell it out.
