Well, I went to my counseling appointment. My counselor is a young guy earning his masters degree. I'm his first divorce case. Ok, fine. I will play along. He is going to see if he can help me. Yes I gave him a list of things primarily dealing with me and my own inabilities to be happy alone. Apparently they assign you a counselor and these are people who are supervised by real doctors. Interesting scenerio. But hey, the service is free. So why not give it a shot right? Lets see what the kid can do. So I guess I have appointments Monday nights.
I am glad you went and I am glad you have a standing appt. and I am glad it is free for you. Honestly though, you sound kind of sarcastic about the whole thing. People dont usually put in the time and money to earn a Masters degree simply for sh*ts and giggles so clearly it is something "this kid" is passionate and dedicated to. Often times young dr's are far more passionate and dedicated than older dr's (yes, this is sort of a sweeping generalization) because they arent yet jaded, they havent seen it all and they have a burning desire to learn. You are his first "divorce case". What a gift! Maybe you are working with the next brilliant mind in relationships and you dont even know it yet. To me it sounds very much like a "teaching hospital" type situation. The rheumatology practice I go to for my lupus is a teaching practice and I can assure you "the kids" that are there learning are some of the best. It just seems you either have a negative or sarcastic outlook on this and you should be viewing it as a HUGE positive step with a new counselor filled with fresh ideas and who is schooled on new and innovative techniques and its free. Wow! Now that is fortunate, no?
So W has the kids for me while I am at the appointment. I get over to her place and she puts in a frozen pizza for me. Very hospitable of her. So we are talking about the events her family has lined up for her this week. Her mom obviously doesn't want me there for any of them. So I make the comment that ya, nobody in the family will stand up to her mom. She agrees. So I ask her, why don't you? Ooooh I am so gonna get 2x4'd for this. But I wanted to hear it for my own self. She said her mom and her are still arguing about a previous argument they had and she doesn't want another one on top of it. I said ok. So then I say, you know, I'm half tempted to show up Wednesday despite your mom. I knew this would get the truth out. So W says she doesn't want to deal with either of our crap and then looks at me and tells me she didn't invite me anyways. Ahhh. Finally the truth from her own lips. All this time for these events and she had been telling me her mom was fully behind it. And her mom is against me. But I just wanted to hear if W was also part of it or just playing her mom up on it. Ok. So now I definitely know from her own lips.
I hope one day you figure out why you like to torture yourself so much. You know darn good and well there is strife between your MIL and your W and you know darn good and well you are part of it. You also know darn good and well that your W only wants to co-parent with you but you kept pushing anyhow. Here is a newsflash for you.... WAS LIE. They will say whatever they need to say to make things comfortable for them. If your W wanted to share what you pushed her to share tonight dont you think she would have a long time ago? Why dont you focus on YOUR family (your dad, brother) and stop worrying about hers?
Oh well... so I get the kids and we head home. Yes, I know what you all are going to say. I already knew and shouldn't have pursued it. But I really wanted to hear it straight from her mouth.
Why? What did hearing it from her lips accomplish? Did it bring you closer to your goals of showing her that you can give her space on the issues with her family or did it show her that you will continue to pester and prod her?
I feel like I am just about at my wits end with this M. I don't know why she let it get dismissed. And I feel like I just want to tell her to snap out of this fantasy world she is living in and wake up and realize that she has a marriage and family that matters. But until she snaps out of this fantasy world, it just won't make a difference.
Well, you are at your wits end because right now you dont have a M but you like to pretend that you do. Once you accept that right now you dont have a M you wont feel at your wits end. And good luck telling your W to snap out of it. I can assure you the response you will get will not be one that you will like one bit.
For now, I am nobody. I'm a face in the crowd. I'm somebody to some and nobody to others. I have 2 daughters that argue constantly now. I have a mind that can't unwrap itself from my W. I have an apartment and an 11 year old camry with a dent in the bumper that is paid for and I have a job that I go to from 8:30 to 4:30. I have people that know me as Kevin. But Kevin himself is just here. Kevin's identity is a mystery. What is Kevin passionate about? Kevin used to be passionate about football and soccer as far as watching it goes. Maybe I could join a flag football team. That could be fun to do. Those are short seasons though. Then what do I do the rest of the year?
Only you can change that feeling of being a nobody. Trust me, I get it because I felt like the biggest pile of crap for close to a year and the anxiety built up in me so much I became afraid to leave my own house. I dont recommend you follow in my footsteps.
If your kids argue constantly then you need to find the root issue which I think has much to do with the separation and the new living situation. Why arent your kids in counseling? They are young and need guidance and support that might be best delivered by a professional along with a strong set of co-parents.
It just seems to me that you define yourself by your job, car or R. Those are outside things.
I see what you all are saying about poker not really doing anything for you because as soon as I come home I am stuck back in that same rut again. BTW, the poker was free to play. I don't be rent money and I am trying to save money which also limits things I do.
The only thing that limits what you do is your imagination. Once again, I posted about 5 resources (free magazines, websites and blogs) of free things to do in the Dallas area. Use your darn imagination. Fun, creativity and adventure doesnt have to cost money and it will get you thinking outside of the box you have trapped yourself in. And when you start thinking a different way then you start become a different person. You become stronger, confident and certainly more interesting and not interesting for your W but interesting for YOU.
As far as your other comments - if you think all psych's do is listen to problems with their own screwed up lives lingering in the background then you are nuts. As I have said before my psych demands ALL his patients particpate in a four part healing process - meds, counseling, emotional support and spiritual support. His insight, compassion and wisdom along with his medical expertise just might have saved my life. My psych could give a rats ass about my H and he has gotten me on that path. Its all about ME ME ME and once you get that through your head your life *will* change. How it will change is up to you but it will change in some capacity.
