Ashlee, I am relatively new to DB'ing. First, let me say how sorry I am your are in this situation. But, this is a great place to get support and find out you are not alone.
Second, it sounds like your husband (H) is involved with the other woman (OW) on some level, whether it is an emotional affair (EA) or worse.
At this point, it sounds like your H wants it both ways - he wants the lure of the OW, but still expects you to meet his needs. Whether you want to do that is up to you. But, I tend to think that would not be the best idea.
One of the things you will learn from reading either Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy is that you need to maintina your self-respect/dignity for a couple of reasons. One, you need that to be a great person. Two, your dignity will give you self confidence, self confidence you will need to show you H if you want to attract him to you (and, save the marriage).
Part of maintaining your dignity comes from setting boundaries - I would find it hard to satisfy my W's needs if I suspected she was involved on some level with someone else. In addition, I would be worried I was enabling W's involvement with the other person if W thought she could us both. You must ask youself if that is a boundary you should set until he decides to break it off with the OW.
But, it sounds like you have at least recognized the mistake you initially made by pursuing your H(we all made the same mistake). That is the first step. That and learning to deal with your grief. I know it is awful right now (mine is still pretty fresh), but trust me, it gets easier to handle with time.
In addition to the Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy books, I could recommend another one - Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson.
Another recommendation I would give you is to get to a counselor for you. It sounds like your H is like my W - does not want to work on the M.
Although your H has probably said some terrible things, many people here (and the DB and DR books) will tell you don't believe anything your H said and only half of what he does.
Hang in there. While it may not seem like it right now, it will be ok.
