I still say that that situation between the twins IS NOT NORMAL. To choose your sister over your own husband??? I don't care if they were joined at the hips, you don't love your sibling more than your spouse. If she had left you at any other time except at the time all this stuff with the BIL happened, then I might think she knew what she was talking about. But mainly, if she had NOT moved in with her twin sister.....THEN I would sit up and listen. But no way is this rational. Of course she can't see it. Of course she thinks nobody understands their "closeness". When a person is in an unhealthy R like she is with her twin, they can't see the reality of the situation.
I remember seeing several documentaries on twins. It always interested me b/c I do think they are unique in many ways. However, I have seen true "stories" on TV about twins binding in an unhealthy union that they would exclude one by one until nobody exsisted except them. They never saw it, but everyone around them would see it and try to tell the twins......but until some expert could intervine someway and almost "force" the twins to live independently......they would not listen.
The problem here is the fact these twins are adults and nobody can actually force them apart if they don't want to be. It is so sad for you b/c I don't see your W changing her mind anytime soon (if ever) as long as she is controlled or influenced by her twin or whatever it is that is making her think in these terms that she is expressing. I don't know what to tell you b/c frankly I am stumped! If she refuses help, then all I see that you can do is either wait for a long, long time to see if some other disaster happens that may cause a drastic change to take place in their lives......or else move on with your own life and try to put this in the past.
Now, I want to say something else and maybe I will sound harsh and nonunderstanding. I don't mean to b/c I come from a very close family on my side and my in-laws. Is it my imagination or what, but it seems that the closeness that your W and even you felt toward the BIL and the events surrounding his death.....well, it just seems so extreme. That didn't come out the way I meant. I love my BIL to death, but I don't see me and my S being affected in the way I see this family. I don't know how to express what I'm trying to say here, really. I just don't get why your W has changed her entire "life" b/c her BIL comitted suicide. I don't mean that to sound curel. It seems to me that even you sound almost "too" emotionally involved with BIL. Is it the effects of everything that happened or was it always that way even before his death? I'm just trying to understand. Please don't be offended b/c I don't mean to do that and I can't seem to put it into words what I want to say. It all sounds so sad and I am so sorry that you find yourself in this tragic family without knowing what to do about it. I hope that your C can help guide you.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
