We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard...because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win. -- John F. Kennedy, September 12, 1962
I've got to spend some more time on this. We did some deep therapy once after the separation during which I really spelled out the correlation between what I am experiencing right now and my childhood issues.
So you are using your childhood coping techniques to deal with adult issues? Probably coming from a position of fear?
It was the nature of the therapy...we both had to be very clear about how we feel when the other does x and then take it back to a feeling we had as a child. It was pretty revealing. My point was that we were both made aware of the soft spots in our sitch. As to my coping techniques...I have taken a different approach but I do recognize the type and severity of feelings as my own and born from my own development and childhood (not him causing them)...My best assessment is that I am too easily consumed by feelings of loss and being out of control. The remedy is going to be action and forcing myself to focus outside of my brain. Otherwise, not sure how to grow those coping skills. I need to cope...just do it. Make sure that everything that needs to be taken care of is. Get my daily lists done. So far, I've been really slacking and have given myself too much time and slack to obsess.
[quote]You mentioned "composure." I think I need to work on that. How to keep my composure without feeling stifled.
Quote:
Does your fear cause you too lose composure? Is what you are doing improving your life? Would a wise and loving AAK be able to handle things better?
It is my inner composure. Doing much better outwardly. But, the energy expended in keeping it together, navigating my communication with just about everyone is extraordinary. I feel like a gaping wound walking around sometimes...I work very hard to be "ok" but it is a lot of work.
I think my identity is in question and that is what causes me to lose that inner composure. If I am next to H and we are discussing something that would be a married couple topic (Father's Day), I immediately have my "wife" hat on and have to take it off and look for that other "oh so together, secure, authentic but composed, sort of wife" hat...I struggle, "what is my role here?" "What does the possible future ex-wife say and do at this juncture?"
I think if I could sort of summarize who I am in this and what I am doing in relation to my M, I could better keep my composure. Rather, I feel I am jumping, shifting course all the time so, I am easily rattled or mystified.
Last week, I was really thrown off when H said he wanted to sleep here...I let him spin and he did mulling over why he should or shouldn't...I was so still and quiet. It was awesome. I gave it some real thought and finally said, "you make this decision, I have full faith and confidence that you will do what makes sense. I mean it." I was so cool and I felt great and went out for the night. Was it the right choice? Don't know. Felt good, felt worth it. Took it off of me. Was very different for me. Does that make me a doormat? I dunno. I'm going to go do my day and come back to this...
We choose to go to the moon. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard...because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win. -- John F. Kennedy, September 12, 1962
Yep.
“ Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing." — Optimus Prime (yes, that's right, I followed JFK with Optimus Prime, what of it?)
To all of you wonderful DB people giving me your valuable time and energy-
I'm being a little whiny, lazy baby. I want it to be easier. I want to sit on here and while away my days analyzing and taking advice and giving advice and ruminating. I know what needs to be done. Now I've got to do it.
I'm not making any big bold statements...I aint no walkaway DBer but Jeezus, I've got to get a life.
"Loving detachment and then really listening and observing. I think it is hard to do the second part until you detach. You can't detach until you do the work on yourself." - Coach
Ok, for starters I get that I need to have a list every day of what I am going to accomplish. I've been slacking big time.
As for working on myself...I think I throw that phrase around quite a bit but I'd love to define more clearly what that is. What really creates change? Is it just being different until it becomes second nature? Must I just be so ultra self-conscious until I can trust myself more?
Specific event to chew on. H picked up kids from school today and took them to gagillion dollar mansion to hang out. Was supposed to then bring them home. S9 called and left me a message asking if they could stay there for dinner.
I spin. I feel- left out, threatened by all of the fabulousness that is drawing them in, pissed that S9 called instead of H, annoyed that we have such willy nilly arrangements (though it does serve me some times), that overwhelming sensation that H is going to knock their socks off and I'm gonna be the brass tacks, simple life, go to bed mom.
I speak to H. I tell him it is fine (I can here them having a blast in the background). I mention that I think it is better if he handles schedule changes rather than the kids. He says if I want I can pick them up. Not the point. I say it is really fine, I just think they should know that the agreements are between the grown ups (presumably us ) and if there are changes, we will discuss them between us. I could tell that was just too much mothering for him.
So, given how it really was loaded for me and how unlikely it is that he will abide by what I am asking, I think it will be better to just do it and not discuss it. For example, if a kid is in the middle, I take them out of the middle and talk to H. Likely H will not hesitate to put me on the spot and make me the decision-maker but I seem to always feel better when I put it back on him.
What I did do after was text him that I am happy to have this time and thanks.
Something else- I am just realizing that I used to take my kids on trips or weekends away, one year I spent a majority of the time staying at a friends' place (for logistical reasons, long story)...sometimes H would be out of town. I would always send pictures and we were so happy.
I feel like asking him if he ever felt left out or sad that we seemed to be having a good time without him. I would have always preferred to have him with us but I'm wondering if he didn't go through some of the feelings I am experiencing now. I realize that this is R related so maybe better to let it go, but it just hit me.
My W used to do the same thing to me, and it really did make me sad.
It was a bed of my own making - I was working too much and focused on things other than my family, but at the time I was convinced that I was doing it because I had to provide for my family. When they would get back and the kids would have had a great time and I was never involved, It would make me sad, lonely and jealous.
I tried to tell my W that once (a long time ago in an early C session), and she refused to listen - "It's ridiculous that you feel that way, you are never around!"
This is just to tell you that you are right, there may be something to it - even if your H was making his own decisions.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Thanks Thinker. He never addressed it directly but so often told me he felt like I was just with him because we have kids and I was happier without him around (which in all honesty I did say to him during some fights.)
So, how does that serve me now?
As I mull around in my mind whether we should be spending family time and hanging out so much, these realizations make me think yes, at least for the time being. I just hate feeling like he is getting away with something. Maybe I underestimate that pain associated with our disconnect. Yesterday when we were playing and flirting and honed in on each other, I felt some of what had been lost.
So, if this marriage is worth everything I say it is, maybe I participate in creating some new memories as a family. I can always pull back if it is not working past a certain point.
I feel that I am all over the place though. I really don't have Smiley's principle down as much as I thought I did. I have either he's a motherf*cker and I want nothing to do with him OR I have to find a way...I haven't mastered the middle. Granted, I grasp the concept, it was just easier to wrap my brain around while H was out of town.
