I read what happened and I read your last post and now I am not sure if I should say anything or not. However, knowing myself like I do......I can't see me "not" saying something.
First of all, I do not change my mind at all from what I think is going on with your H. The fact that he is so very angry at you means that something is very wrong with this picture of his "happiness" in this new life he has with OW and any of the other crap he claims hold to. Now, if he had set you down and talked very calmly and kindly (and that was all the emotion he had).....then I would say go pack it up b/c it is over! But he can't do that! All that rage in him is for a reason. So, without repeating everything I've said in past posts, I still believe it is his way of running from his pain and wanting to "escape" everything that reminds him of his past hurts. Unfortunately, you were part of the package, sweetie. Perhaps "you" did not do any direct hurt to him......but you were part of the entire bomb that exploded in his face. He doesn't know how to deal and the way he is trying is very immature, however, very common. How many people do the very same thing your H is doing?
I am wondering why he is trying to make you mad enough to push you into being the one to file? Is it b/c he wants you to have to pay for the D? I don't know that much about the laws around this issue, but it seems to me that something......or "somebody" must be in a big hurry! Doesn't that make you wonder about it? So, what is his big rush? If I was not ready to get a D, then I would wait out the year. When he finds out that you aren't going to run up and file.....then we'll find out what "he" does. We'll find out if he is being pressured to get D from another "source".
Now, I said all of that to more or less get it out of the way b/c the bottom line here is to ask yourself a very honest question. Regardless of how he is treating you and how he is behaving otherwise........what do YOU want to do? Don't base it on the ten years you've had together. Don't base it on what has happened in the past. Don't even base it on "him" in this present state. I know......sounds crazy, doesn't it? But what I suppose I am trying to get you to look at is one thing and one thing only. What is it you truly want to do? The reason I say this is b/c you are hurt, tired, probably disillusioned, and maybe could be talked into thinking that you feel a particular way when maybe a year from now you wake up and have regrets, but then it could be too late. If you are not ready to turn lose of your hope and dreams of having a life with your H, then refuse to do the filing of a D. He will either have to wait out the year, or he will be forced to do the filing. If he does file.....then you must move on and put him in your past and make a new life for yourself. However, there is a chance that a lot could happen to change the circumstances and to change "him" within a year's time. So, you have to ask yourself if you want to take that gamble and wait out another year of your life, or have you had enough and ready to close the door to him forever. Only you can decide that, sweetheart. You know that--and it will be the hardest decision you have ever made thoughout your lifetime. I think it is one of those times that one almost reaches a point that they want somebody to tell them what to do b/c they feel so fraziled. If you had known me when I was younger you could appreciate what I am about to say. I have learned that when in doubt.....do nothing. Just wait until you are sure about what is right to do.
In a lot of threads, I would probably tell a LBW that she is crazy to wait on some jerk of a WAH who had treated her this way and the quicker she forgets him....the better. However, I try to listen to my "gut" feelings about each stitch and go from that. In this case, I think he is not acting on what is "real" for him but he is in denial. How long it will take him to see it and to get help......who knows.....maybe never. He may totally wreck what is left of his life before he realizes how much damage he's done. Then it's too late. That will be a very sad day for him, indeed. But again, you have to go back to the main question and ask yourself what you want to do b/c things may never change and you could end up losing a year of life (so to speak) waiting on him. So, is it worth it? Is HE worth the gamble? Don't say, "Yes, if only......." You can't say that. You have to accept things as they are NOW and make a decision based on that and realize that you are chosing to take one more year to see where it may lead, or call this to a halt and stop what you are going through and try to start healing and moving on.
I want you to realize that you won't stop hurting. It will take a long time before you won't hurt so badly. But there is something about knowing it is final and that you are shutting the door and moving on that seems to help have "closure". Kind of reminds you of something else, doesn't it?
I have tried to state this in an unbiased way but maybe was not able to do so. The truth is that I just want you to not rush into any decision before you are ready. It's not like you have to decide tomorrow or next week or three months from now. Not as long as he is waiting for you to make the next move! Right? Just be sure, honey, so you will have peace and know that you made the right choice.
If you will stay away from him and refuse to have contact with him until the anger settles (if it ever does), then maybe your mind will clear of so much emotion and confusion and you can think and make a stonger decision.
As I've told you before, whatever you decide, I will be here to support you. It is your life and I, for one, will certainly not find fault with what you decide.
I hope you will try to get some rest and put this day behind you. Stop beating yourself up and blaming youself for backsliding. You are human and all of us will react like a wounded animal when we are treated badly long enough.
As soon as you can, I hope you will find something to keep yourself very busy so that your mind will not stay 100% focused on the stitch. Staying busy physically and mentally has probably kept me from going insane over the years. It is not always easy, but in time..........(how much have you heard that expression?)
If you need me before I get back to your thread, you can reach me on the "Piecing" forum at Sandi's Place or do like you did this last time....
Take care and I'll check back later to see how you are doing.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
