Left behind after ten years

[pearlharbr]

I totally understand that it's hard to do things alone. I'm a shy person myself. Well, my friends don't think so but when I'm alone in a new situation I would just assume blend in with the walls. But I have had so much fun trying new things. Surprised myself since I thought I would have a hard time smiling and laughing again.

I started going to a sports bar to watch football. Made some new friends and got some much needed male attention. (But I was there to watch football and I didn't date any of the guys I met.) I also went to a concert alone, ended up talking with the guys sitting next to me, and went out for a bite to eat with them after the show. Turns out the company they work for has an office in the area I'm looking to relocate to so it ended up being networking too.

Started taking dance classes. Always wanted to tap so figured now's the time. Also taking a strength and flexibility class filled with 16-22 year old dancers. Hah! But it is fun and good for me. I took yoga for a month but then got lazy when the first session was over. Need to get back into it because I found it good physically and mentally. Also started teaching myself piano but gave up because the room the piano in is unheated in the winter. No more excuses now that the weather is warming up. I meet up with a girlfriend once a week for happy hour or dinner. I have lunch with another girlfriend every week or two. I have plans to join a bookclub. And I have a policy of not turning down any invitation. I've been to a trailer trash theme party, a makeover day, country dancing, and concerts.

Sounds like you have some good ideas. Museums always have lectures and events. I hate cooking for myself too, but a cooking class is a good way to get started. I'm trying to find one of those myself. And meetup is a great idea! I haven't tried it yet because I planned on moving out of state, but may have to look into it now.

Ok, hopefully that helps motivate you!

[AloneInNY]

I'm still here. Just following everyone else's story closely while biding my time.

I learned again the importance of not pursuing. I got the 'Stop putting so much pressure on me!!' ... even though we'd had no face-to-face, one phone call, and one e-mail exchange in like 3 weeks. Lesson learned. Doesn't seem like chasing or pressure to me. But it's pressure to her. Fine. Live and learn. Not to say I didn't feel terrible about this. But still. Live and learn.

My therapist had an interesting comment on this. I told her I thought this whole pursuit/running business was of course no basis to build a relationship, but was maybe a way to open a dialogue. She agreed, but gave me the perspective that this whole 'if you back off I'll chase back after you' made sense in high school, but after six years of loving marriage, I am right to expect more from her. Of course you don't always get what you want or expect or deserve and sometimes you have to roll with the punches and take the long view, but I should do myself the respect of remembering that I am the one being mature and honest.

That whole list I had of everything I've done wrong. Sure. It's all true. But there are two of us. I can't take the whole thing on myself. And yes, I should fix all of these things. But I have to remember to fix them for myself to make me a better person. It's interesting ... at times like this it matters so much how I think about the situation in addition to what I do about things. It's great if I go out and try new things and make new friends - all those things I've neglected. But it matters just as much what reason I have in my head for doing it. It's a new way of seeing things for me. Along those lines, I've discovered David Burns' books 'Feeling Good' and 'Intimate Connections'. Not really about these situations per se, but I've found them to be very useful in terms of the connections between thought and emotion and attitude. Highly recommended.

I continue to take everyone's advice to heart about GAL. My therapist is also pushing for this and holding me to it. Small steps. I am starting to see the long term path to becoming more alive and engaged, and I see also the little things I can do, one at a time. At a conference for work, I made a conscious effort to go out there and stick my hand in front of people I didn't know and say "Hi, I'm ..." Unbelievably hard for me. Weird - I can give talks in front of hundreds of people without breaking a sweat, but going up and meeting new people terrifies me. As my therapist said, "This is something new I haven't heard from you. I see a lot of territory we'll need to explore!"

I'm going camping and fishing this weekend. I love to do that. Always did it with the wife, but what the heck, I'll go do it with a good friend I rarely get to see. Can't be sad when your out in the fresh air on a beautiful lake spending time with a good childhood friend.

My therapist has also cornered me into not just running by myself (the easy way out for GAL!), but joining a running club. And not just joining, but actually ... gasp ... talking to the people and maybe even making some new friends!

I've got a wine tasting class I've always been interested in. Again, easy to sign up for and go, but I also need to force myself to turn to the people around me and talk to them!

As I said ... small steps.

Wife was just here to pick up some stuff. Talked a little. Just a dead-in-the-water conversation. No emotional content at all. Pointless exercise. I was able to not be angry or desperate, but I've achieved this by detaching too completely and having almost no engagement at all in the conversation. I haven't turned the corner to being able to be confident and polite and decent all at once. Small steps.

As always, thanks for your interest! Like all of us here, we soldier on best that we can.

[AloneInNY]

I'm going camping and fishing this weekend. I love to do that. Always did it with the wife, but what the heck, I'll go do it with a good friend I rarely get to see. Can't be sad when your out in the fresh air on a beautiful lake spending time with a good childhood friend.

Well, things can turn grim rather quickly, can't they. I've been packing for my trip and every little thing reminds me of great trips and great times we had as a couple. No matter what she says now, we had so many wonderful times together. Not that there weren't problems, but it's just plain not true that she was always unhappy. Why doesn't she see it?

Odd, how packing for a trip which I am sure will be fun and I've been looking forward to for a while now can drag me down so low. I don't know if I've felt this bad since this whole thing started.

Why can't we just try, if not now, later? Just agree to try!

I guess my up-tempo post yesterday was just a facade after all. Because, boy, do I feel bad right now.

[MrBond]

The highs and lows are all part of the process. That's why they call this a rollercoaster.

Just take it one day at a time. You're doing great with the GAL. Just keep it up.

[judyc]

Hi AloneInNY,

I am new here too, going through the same pain as you. What you said about packing for your fishing trip really resonated with me. I have a digital picture frame (given to me last year by my H) on my desk at work, and most of the pictures are of H and I enjoying the great times we've had since we've been together. It got so painful that today I stopped the slideshow and just froze it on a picture of one of our cats.

Have a great time on your trip!

[pearlharbr]

Alone, I meant to get back to you earlier today. Your post from yesterday was spot on. Great insights: own your part of the problems but do not blame yourself for everything, fix yourself for yourself, engaging in GAL activities that take you out of your comfort zone, doing things you love.

So you had a bad day today. I'm sorry, that sucks. Stuck is 100% right - it's called a roller coaster for a reason. I always try to channel Scarlett O'Hara and say, "I'll think about it tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day." I know that's not going to cut it for a manly man like you but you get the idea.

Why can't we just try, if not now, later? Just agree to try!

I hear that. That's all I wanted from xBF in the beginning. But you'll drive yourself crazy by holding on to that. Remember you can only control yourself. Back to focusing on you.

Have fun on your trip!

[AloneInNY]

It's been a while, but those of you who have been so helpful deserve to hear the 'end'.

In short, the wife called today to propose a one year period of legal separation to be followed by divorce. I agreed. She has indicated that she wants none of our major possessions (apartment, car, etc) and thus far I have no reason to doubt her. I have no expectations of any trouble, though I will take appropriate measures to protect myself.

Over the last few months, I have worked hard at detachment and GAL. I think this is why this bomb today is so emotionally distant to me (at least tonight). Because in many ways I had already began to understand that it was not likely to turn out with us together, and mentally I had begun to move on. I had also come to learn that the EA had transitioned to a PA, which pushed me over the edge in thinking that I might not want to continue the relationship, even if she changed her mind. As my IC pointed out, what I wanted in my life was finally a part of the picture, rather than just what she wanted.

So, I know many people reconcile up to (and sometimes beyond) the day the final divorce papers are signed. But today, that's not even what I want. I think it is done, I think I have gotten a darn raw deal and have been treated like garbage, and I think the wonderful woman I married has turned into a cruel monster. And to be honest, even if this is a complex period in her life or whatever, I don't want to be married to someone who treats me like this, because it feels like crap, and I'm tired of feeling like crap.

But I will use my GAL to springboard myself into this next phase. I know this will take a long time to process and integrate into my world view, but we take it one day at a time.

I'm feeling very brave right now, though probably end up a wreck tomorrow, but this is where we are, and so we move on.

Again, many thanks for all your help. I've been a quiet member of the boards, but please know that what I've heard from you all really did make a big difference at some key moments in my life. I wish you all the best.

[pearlharbr]

Just catching up with everyone. I'm so sorry to hear your news but so far it sounds like you're handling it well. Believe me, I totally understand your perspective of not wanting to be with someone who could treat you this way. Even though I'm back with BF now, I was mentally done and believe I could have and would have had a good and happy life without him.

Do keep up the GAL activities and go after the life you want. Drop back in if you need to vent or talk about whatever happens next.

Best wishes for you - I know you'll be great.

[fightingirish]

Although I haven't commented on your stitch, I have been following it, and am truly sorry for your news.

You will have your bad days and your good days, but you will be ok. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you, and I can totally undertand the PA part of it pushing you over the edge, because I would feel the same way you do.

Take care of yourself.