"Exposure" vs. "Shame"

[25yearsmlc]

PT

The book I read really was a big deal to me and I wanted to share it b/c it resonated with me. It was a humbling book, discussing how we (lbsers) ought to look within, and not point blame or stare only at others (WAS's) to avoid that inward search of ours and when I posted about it, I posted it as a confessional for me, not a diatribe. I felt EO would benefit from it and a few others who told me they did....(and btw, the bold print and caps etc. well...okay the caps can "sound like yelling" but the colors and font changes are classic tools for written clarity so I don't get the problem with using them and probably won't stop.)

Besides PT, some of my posts are darn long. Yep, I emphasized that. (And I don't even get paid by the word!) But as a teacher/lawyer they are useful and I'll continue using them. I'll watch for the caps I guess.

Oh, I found dncrm deliberately insulting (and out of nowhere too. Never seen him before). Besides if he knew you or me, he'd know you of all people don't exactly need defending.

Anyhow, of course an adulterer should be confronted. I agree. But here's one other side issue to ponder just for discussion. If one "KNEW" (and I mean really really knew---see how bold print saves time PT? now I'm having to add that sentence for clarity... )

So if they know that an affair would end their M b/c they just know they would not forgive their spouse for it, a whole different scenario could be envisioned.
That's a point that seems to be getting missed. God knows if my h had an affair and I thought 'this is it for us!" I would say something far far different than otherwise...oh yeah...

Here's an unusual story with an odd but related point.

I was a JAG officer and serving in the Gulf War while h paid the army back for med school. An officer's wife came to me about her h's affair and wanted to press charges b/c in the military it is still a crime to cheat. She wanted a divorce also, (but she was only 75% sure of that.) I completely understood her position and would have felt the same. The long tours of duty wherein she had been the sole parent (4 kids!) and switched jobs and she gave up a good career & moved over and over, ete etc - You get the picture.

Here's the rub. So if charges get pressed (and he was a high ranking officer so they might very well do that to make an example of adultery and "conduct unbecoming an officer") then he most likely either a career ending letter of reprimand which will lower his retirement pay and hurt ALL of the family OR worse, he gets a discharge (dishonorable is the only kind of punitive discharge an officer can get) AND that means they lose their only source of income, housing, (60 days to vacate), health insurance, life insurance and their retirement....and this woman was 53 y/o with no real job history.

This does not relate directly to civilian life but there are overlaps.

It gets complicated doesn't it? She had to choose something. The officer's wife chose to "hold off" on the divorce issue and see where the M went, but not to press charges as that would effectively punish her children and they'd lose their home, money, insurance and the whole nine yards. That would have been a lose lose sitch. Yes this is unusual but it points to collateral damage really well and

Though in the extreme, it's illustrative. But I digress.

Yes this is a place to agree and disagree and all that. You're right that it hit a chord for ME but like I said, its b/c of the book I was trying to share, recommended by a good man, and very helpful. H also read it btw and said it was "very powerful".... anyhow, the chord I think it hit in you is not b/c of the book but b/c it's close to home and I get that. I do. And I wish your sitch well. I really do.

j-