Fog is lifting for my german wife

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

my three years of high school German many many years ago is failing me, though! LOL

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[Phoenixdeux]

PD,

Your instincts are most likely right...it's doubtful that she's coming back when she says. It just rings wrong to me. These little, "I'm coming backs", aren't worth much. Actions are everything. I guess you'll write next how she asked S17 to stay with her. Keep your expectations low. You should consider how long you intend to be juggled. You might be better off assuming she isn't coming (or won't come for long if she does) and just be surprised when she shows up or is still there two weeks later.

[PortlandDad]

Hi friends,

It's been a few weeks since I've been here with any regularity. A lot has happened, and unsurprisingly, a lot hasn't. I wanted to just journal where my sitch is at and the goings on. My S17 went to Germany to help my wife pack and get ready to come back. The plan was that they were going to come back together on 6/15. Well, that didn't happen. While my son was at her apartment, he noticed that she was talking to someone on the phone in German, and his german isn't too bad, so he recognized that she was talking in hushed tones, avoiding him, etc. He confronted her about it and she, of course, denied that she was talking to the OM. Well, that was a bold-faced lie. He discretely got her phone from her and verified that it was indeed the OMs phone number.

Needless to say, my son was crushed; moreso by the fact that the W lied directly to his face. He called me and let slip the sitch. I talked to W and, at first, she was indignant: she wasn't talking to the OM, she was coming home, I needed to knock off the jealousy and prying. etc. She was continuing her cycle of lying to me. I told her that this was a deal-breaker and that it was over for us. She changed her tune really quick! I hang up with her and called my lawyer and said that we could proceed with the paperwork. I made an appointment to start the papers (I had a consult with him a few months ago) and I was feeling pretty good about my decision. After all, I tried to save my marriage. I and my kids endured months of her lies, betrayal, being in emotional limbo, etc. In the process I learned to love myself. I learned to be a good father. I learned that I didn't need her to make me feel happy, alive, or whole. I broke my cycle of dependency. I had no guilt that I refused to live in an open marriage (Thanks Puppy!)

My son came home alone on 6/15. My appointment with my lawyer was the same day. That morning, however, W calls before I leave for the airport. I was very matter-of-fact: Hi; just leaving to pick S17 up; need to know where you will be living for the next 30 days; etc. She breaks down in tears. She says that she misses me and the kids. She feels so alone. Makes some lame excuse about why she was calling OM. Whatever.

Then she says she wants to come home and she will work on everything. Wow. She just sent S17 home alone and now she misses everyone? Yeah, I know: they are just words. It still drew me in. Ok, what do you want from me?, I asked. She said she wants to come home; be a family. She realizes she's made mistakes. Damnit. I blinked. I called the lawyer and postphoned the meeting. picked up S17, and she has been making plans to come home (real this time?)

She moved out of her apartment and back in with her parents on Friday. The only thing she says that is holding her in Germany is that she hasn't sold her car yet. She has a written offer from a guy who is flying to Germany on July 19th, but he can't purchase it sooner. She has been calling almost every day; says she loves me every day; is making plans for us again. So why am I so down?

She has never explained satisfactorally why she was calling OM. She is broke: she spend $55k, she sold her expedition here so she has no automobile when she comes back. She has about 7k in credit card debt (they still get mailed to my house), her car in germany was new and she is practically giving it away (4k euro in equity), she failed her drivers license test and her international license expired so she is driving illegally, she hasn't ever found a job in germany and she flunked out of nursing school.

In a nutshell: she has no other choice but to come back. Is it normal to feel like she is taking advantage of my good nature? For the price of a few daily "I love you's" she gets to come back with a clean slate? Truth be told, I am wondering now if I want her back. My life is going great right now: my relationship with my kids is better than its ever been. I've reconnected with a lot of friends that I have drifted apart from over the years. I know that I could find happiness in whatever I choose to do, and with whomever I choose.

Well, that's the news. Sorry I was away so long. I hope everyone else is having a great summer!

[Sara]

Wow! Thanks for the update. It is actually so typical that life on her own chasing OM was not the garden of roses she expected it to be. You do have a choice. I think you need to be clear that you are keeping your options open. She may just be looking for a refuge from the storm.

[smith18]

Hi PD - I definitely can understand your hesitation of moving forward based upon your W talking nicely. Especially since she still lies to you. It makes it hard to believe she is sincere. No one wants to be someone elses backup plan and there is nothing that prevents her from using you as a safe haven for a while.

Good for you on enjoying your life now. However, I think you know that it is nice to have someone else to share it with. It is difficult to decide whether your W will be that person.

[PortlandDad]

Hi KK!

Yeah, I am really a sappy, romantic at heart. My primary love language is definitely physical touch, so I do feel like I need someone in my life, but I'm not sure my W is that person. I am definitely keeping my options open.

[bluerain]

Hi PD, wow, well Im not surprised that she didnt come home on the 15, I have to say also, that Im not surprised that when you put your foot down she panicked.

Why cant she leave her car in her parents hands? It seems like a pretty trivial thing when you are talking about her kids and family and whatnot.

I have this feeling with my sitch, I think that the only way I can explain it is that I want to want H back, but really, now that I have "won", Im not really sure if that is infact what I want. Not sure if I can not hate him for what he has done, and what he has cost me. I am trying to focus on rebuilding friendship, which is going well, and I guess I just hope that everything else falls into place.

I think that sometimes, when you realize how good it feels to drop the rope, you wonder if picking it back up is worth it.

[PortlandDad]

Hey BR,
That was exactly how I was feeling a few days ago. As you say, the battle was won and all that was needed was to wait until the issue with her car was resolved. She was being very friendly to me: saying that she loved me every day, doing a video call at least once a day, and calling on the phone at all hours just to chat. Seemed all was going well, but if there is anything I know about myself and my W, that doesn't last long.

I was feeling comfortable enough to ask her about her alleged affair that she had 10 years ago... mistake. She got extremely angry, deleted her facebook account. I can't walk on eggshells for the rest of my life! She now says she wants a divorce and she just wants me to pay her credit cards and we are even.

Financially, it is a great deal since she would be entitled to a lot more, but it would be the death of the marriage that I have been trying to salvage for the last 7 months.

I am convinced that she is sick and needs help, but it just doesn't seem like I can give her the help that she needs.

[goingtofixME]

She might need help, but you can't help her. She needs to help herself.

[PortlandDad]

She might need help, but you can't help her. She needs to help herself.

True. She is back to her immature, irrational behavior that she was showing before she left. She apparently saw a doctor in Germany for her mental issues, but she never divulged to me what came out of that.

Meh, I told her that I wasn't going to file and that if she wanted out, she would need to be the one to file. I am a little worried about the CCs because she hasn't been paying the bills and the card companies have been calling me about her delinquencies.