Where to start?

[Mach1]

Not much feedback from H - I think he's still trying to figure me out.

So keep him guessin !

Go to the wedding, dance your butt off and SMILE SMILE SMILE !

[dmkdmkdmk]

I'll do my best Feeling better already! I went back and reread that post to just cement it in my head for today...

Probably won't get to dance my butt off - told H I'd be home when he got home from work so that he could play with DD until her bedtime. I plan on looking pretty hot for a pregnant lady though :-) The reception starts at 6, and I will need to be home around 7:30...

I think I'm going to grab me a popsicle, and try to finish reading DR before DD wakes up from her nap...

[Mach1]

I'll do my best I plan on looking pretty hot for a pregnant lady though :-)

Through everything else, diet , gym, jogging. I always thought that was the most beautiful my W ever was.....


Have a great day D !!!!

[dmkdmkdmk]

Well, I didn't have the best time at the wedding, and honestly I was feeling pretty bitter and ready to go home and say to my H, should he ask about it, that it was a lovely wedding where luckily, the pastor had written into the vows that the happy couple would love and cherish each other until death do them part, or until one of them didn't feel like it anymore...

But I went home, and actually felt in a pretty decent mood... told H to take whatever the heck he wanted from the house, I didn't care. I was again cheery... H said he liked my dress, and liked how it went with my eyes and hair, and that I looked pretty. That was really nice, it helped to lift my mood a lot. He also touched me twice, which is pretty much unheard of for the past two weeks... he touched my belly once, and then touched my back when he walked by me... I guess it's a start for two people who started going out of their way to not touch each other.

He also said twice that this is temporary, and once that he thinks we can work through this...

We discussed finances and i told him that this would probably be a good learning experience for him - to relearn how to budget and track where all of his money goes. I've been handling it all for five years, and with the move and family responsibilities and working 40 hours a week it has been pretty stressful for me lately, especially with the pregnancy and him shutting himself out of the marriage...

We also joked about what he could take and what he couldn't take, and about how he didn't want the neighbors to see him drive away with his car full of stuff because "it's temporary".

So it was a pretty light evening, and I went to bed not feeling too bad about things, and woke up the same way. I think that was the "feedback" I needed to keep myself on track with this...

Oh, and I bought a bedroom set yesterday at our fabulous local furniture mega mart, and a bedding set yesterday, and I'm looking forward to painting the bedroom this week And I've got a party to look forward to next weekend...

[dmkdmkdmk]

I miss being able to freely browse this forum now that H took the computer. Hopefully mine will ship soon... One of the most helpful things for me has been to get on here and vent (right now it's on a daily basis, sorry :)) - and that is what is keeping me, I think, on course with not unloading on H when he comes over in the evening...

Yesterday I didn't get any calls from H - he was busy at work all day. I did call him once to see how his day was going and left a voice mail. He called me back when he was leaving and on his way over to the house.

He was just really tired, and sat on the couch and watched whatever movie was on until it was time for DD to go to bed, and then he went home... said he was just going to take a shower, drink a beer, and go to sleep. Probably the best thing for him, since he wakes up around 5:30 am to get ready for work and it would have been around 9 by the time he got home.

I try not to bother myself with wondering what he's doing when he goes to his apartment, who he might be seeing, where he might be going. Unproductive. I will take him at his word - he has always been honest and forthcoming about everything for the past ten years - I will take him at his word that he wants this to work out. That he just needs his space for a bit.

Every day that goes by I do feel more indifferent to him... if we get back together that's going to be a hard obstacle to overcome... Plus, all of "our" friends think he's a huge tool for leaving while I'm pregnant.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Sometimes I wish there was a devil-face smiley, because that's how I feel when H calls me and tells me how tired he is because he couldn't sleep all night... And his neck and shoulders hurt...

I think I only woke up once last night, rolled over and went right back to sleep. I guess his new mattress must not be working out too well.

He's thinking of leaving early to go home and get some rest... It does kind of make me mad that I begged him to take some vacation time because he was completely overworked, and now he's taking half-days all over the place. He's not spending them with his daughter. He's going to realize pretty soon that he's not going to be able to afford maintaining his separate life and paying for half of the family expenses if he doesn't work as much as possible.

I imagine, though, it's hard to be at work without his friend that he saw almost everyday, and he needs time for that grieving process...

[Ready2Change]

HUGS

[dmkdmkdmk]

Thanks for the hugs! :-)

I'm looking at my calendar right now and I have a counseling appointment scheduled for next Wednesday - I'm wondering if I should go aheand and schedule one for the following week since H will be out of town for almost a month for his National Guard annual training in July. After that, baby is on her way...

I know the counseling is what he's waiting for to start any real "work". He's still exhausted from his schedule and now from his friend's sudden death. And I've removed any pressure to do anything except show up to counseling next week (and pay his bills).

I am just going to continue to detach... I'm trying to detach lovingly, but most of the time I look at it as severing a diseased limb... Maybe because I know I'm doing what *I* need to get myself healthy but I don't know where H is at... And until I know whether we're on the same page I don't feel like I can really trust him.

So, I'm just going to continue becoming more like the person he fell in love with - but not for him, for me (I think I miss that girl more than he does!).

Going to continue not calling him, not instigating anything, not talking about the R until he brings it up or we go to counseling. And keeping my hands busy, making the house our (my DDs & I) home one room at a time. I have a stack of books that I picked up from the library today (Mars/Venus, His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, and one by Judge Judy that was in the same section because she is awesome).

The thing that seems to be working for me is to live my life as if he is not a part of it - because when I do, I miss him too much. I miss the person he had been for the past nine years and not the pod person he has been for the past 2 1/2 months.

[Ready2Change]

As far as the counseling. Make YOUR choice. If you want to go, go alone. No reason to have H there.

Stay strong girl! Everything happens for a reason. Do things that make you happy. You walk your own path. Make the best decision at that point in time. No regrets. Keep learning and growing as a person.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Last night was typical, H came over, played with DD for a few minutes. Sat on the couch and we chatted. He dressed DD for bed and put her down.

He was getting ready to leave and I was about to fold some towels and he actually came over to me and hugged me. Not like one-arm hug, like what I was getting for weeks before he dropped the "I want to move out" bomb... it was a two-arm, solid, 10-second or so hug with a couple of neck pecks...

I admit, I was caught off guard and wasn't sure how to respond. So I just hugged him back and told him I missed his hugs.

He's over at the house right now, since it's his day off it's "Daddy-Daughter Day".