Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[AliSuddenly]

So we had a big talk, mainly about him and his depression and although we skirted around some things (the time we spent apart and Helen) I did refer to it a little. But this is what I learnt from him...

- He was unhappy in himself and couldnt work out why. Not a normal feeling fed up, but really down.. and day to day it wasnt getting better and he spiralled down until he felt he didnt know who he was, or what he wanted. He was very depressed and it got worse after he left, he admitted to feeling "very low and desperate" last summer.

- He said it really wasnt about me, or my fault.. that he was unhappy and had been "all his life" and to some extent still is at times, but he IS less depressed, calmer and much better these past few weeks and said his friends had noticed and commented on it. He didnt want to blame his depression 100% (for leaving I presume he meant), but that essentially that was why. But that he realises it was about HIS unhappiness and thats something that was in him and had always been there, but at the time he couldnt work out what was making him unhappy. I assume he means he has now learnt that it wasnt me, or the R and therefore, he was wrong to throw that away in the mistake that I or the R was the root of his unhappiness.

- He said he wants to be 'normal' again, not to feel that way anymore. He is not having C anymore, but wants to go back on ADs. He explained that he had no confidence and very low self esteem and thats what leads him to be SUCH good company, so funny and have so many friends.. as he cant bear to feel foolish, or look silly, or to be boring even, as he regards that as a form of feeling foolish or embarressed and when he does he feels less than an inch high, so he is always compelled to be the life and the soul, the funny guy and show lots of interest in people and what they are up to..to the extent he has lost sight of who HE is and he doesnt know anymore, but maybe that person IS who he is now, after years of acting that way. Although I know him well, as he said..the extent of how he feels surprised me even. He insisted he has no confidence, which is NOT how he comes across amongst friends (he is very funny and chatty).

- The lack of confidence, depression and apathy to make decisions or go for things in life are all directly as a result of his upbringing and how his Mum and Dad were and how they stayed in jobs they hated for years, too fearful to leave and how they were in a loveless M and how they both had long term depression and wouldnt admit it either..

- He agrees that although he is upset at his Mum and brother for never talking to him about their feelings or being open and honest.. he is nearly as bad as they are and he needs to talk to me more. He said he felt before the bomb that he couldnt say, "I feel unhappy all the time, but I dont know why" because that sounded "pathetic" and he felt a fool. That when he didnt talk about how he felt its mostly because he doesnt know what he wants to say and cant work out how he feels, just a general feeling of joylessness. So.. he ended up leaving.. but it made him feel worse. He said he felt joylessness just now, as we walked along a coast path.. I said I noticed a change in his mood and worried it was me.. he said, "No, NOT AT ALL.. I was just looking out to sea, thinking, yes thats a beautiful view, but.. so what? Its like, it doesnt really touch me." It struck me that if this is really how he is, its a lot to take on, but that I love him and I can handle it (I am back to my 'normal' state of stable and happy go lucky and other peoples moods dont drag me down).

- He agreed he had taken a 'detour' and a 'holiday' as I put it, from us.. I joked, including a holiday romance even! and he grimaced and shuddered and said no.. so I said, it wasnt? (I took it he meant there was no 'romance' about it).. all he said in reply was a grim "No... mistake". And that was that for now.

- He said, ideally he wanted to take it a bit slower, but as he has to find a new housemate immediately to share with, or leave, and I cant afford this house alone anymore, cicrumstances meant he should move back in here sooner rather than later, but we could look for a new place then together.. I was a bit unsure at his less than enthusiastic way he put it and so was quite cool and said I didnt expect him to do that.. but he ended up saying he wanted to live with me, very much so and that he felt it was a good thing that circumstances meant he had to make a decision.. it was the kick up the arse he needed, as he was very bad and slow to make decisions, buries his head in the sand and lets things drift too much in life, so he saw it as positive.

So..the mystery begins to unravel. Basically, this WA was very much about depression and him hitting a crisis in life and in his basic personality even, losing sight of himself, probably precipitated by the death of his Dad followed by the stressful move from our hometown to rainy Cornwall where we had no friends. Answers at last hey !! And the last thing he said was "Thankyou, so much, for listening".. so, still DBing hey!