Ok, who watches your kids when you go on date night? We go every 4-6 weeks, cause the teenagers in our area get $10 an hour for babysitting! It's highway robbery, big time. I agree, date night is really important. Do you usually do dinner & a movie?
Thank you so much for pointing out what I should have seen. He's trying! He is trying. I feel so much better looking at it like that. Lucky, you are a blessing to me!
I have been pondering the issue of why I want so badly to be pursued. I wouldn't say I've had a lot of pursuing in my life. I was VERY overweight (327 pounds), so I didn't get a lot of action till I lost weight. That feeling of being sexually invisible is pretty familiar. I have gained 30 pounds since we got married, so I feel pretty bad about my body. On one hand, two pregnancies will do that to a woman and I HAVE maintained a 120 pound weight loss for 8 years, so that isn't bad at all. But, on the other hand, 30 pounds is a lot and I am still overweight. I guess if he pursued me, it would say that he finds me attractive. Sometimes, I feel very pretty and I just don't get why he can't see the hottie he's got. On occasion, I feel disgusting and ugly, but not a majority of the time. When I do feel ugly, it is powerful and I feel ridiculous for all the times I felt attractive. So, I see that most of that is my issue, not his. It would help, I think, if he would do some pursuing, but I know that he can't solve the problem.
H seems so uncomfortable with anything sexual. He doesn't want to talk about it or do it (very often.) There is no eroticism in our relationship. He is just too uncomfortable. No dirty jokes. No pointed remarks. No slaps on the behind. No bedroom-eyed looks across the table. Nuthin. Between his discomfort and my fear of being ridiculous, I am stuck. At this point, I don't even remember how to flirt. Even when I try, he shuts me down. I used to be such a flirt, even when I was 327 pounds. I had a friend that would get mad at me and say, "You walk into a bar like you're not even fat!" (She was mad cause I got more attention than her) I wish I could get in touch with that me, who was not so afraid.
I'm so glad that I can help you. I know your pain, I really do.
We pay a young girl $10/hr and we also feed her and her boyfriend and his daughter if they come along. We just did dinner and a movie this weekend, which was terrific. I hadn't been in a movie theatre since I was pregnant (my son is 18 months old.) We've gone bowling, which is great for us because it is interactive and usually brings forth a ton of laughter. It is very expensive, and sometimes we can only afford once a month. But that still does so much for us.
You have to feel sexy for your man to see you as sexy. Once a man hears you complain about your weight or your looks, it is a huge turn-off. So, get in touch with your inner diva and LOVE IT! The fact that you were able to feel sexy before your marriage tells me that the SSM has eroded your self-esteem. Don't stand for it! Get yourself back through GALing. Spend quality time with yourself and do things that make you feel good. Paint your toenails, curl your hair, take a bubble bath, read your favorite magazines, treat yourself to new sexy underwear. Do things that bring you happiness and make you feel like a woman.
Forget about how your H "seems uncomfortable with anything sexual." Let him be uncomfortable. If YOU are comfortable being a sexy, flirtatious creature, then be that glorious creature. His discomfort is what HE creates. It is up to him to face his own issues and work on them. It isn't up to you to stifle this very important part of your self in order to avoid making him uncomfortable.
Be brave and show him that you are sexual and that you want him. He just might start to wonder about this mysterious world that he's been avoiding.
I have to back up what LuckyGirl has said in regard to providing POSITIVE feedback for every tiny step that your husband takes in reviving and exploring *his own* sexuality, and directing that male sexuality towards you. I know, first-hand what it is like to watch your spouse take tentative, faultering, baby-steps, when instead what you are really dreaming of is the two of you running together (in the bright sunshine, with the wind in hair, queue majestic soundtrack...). However, those first steps are often the hardest for them to take, and require YOU to provide encouragement and positive feedback if you want to see them take more. Otherwise, they'll give up and sit right back down in the wheelchair again.
Heaven knows, I'm guilty enough myself of sometimes pushing my wife too hard, too fast, and not stepping back and expressing proper and genuine appreoiate for the marvelous strides that she has made to improve our sexual relationship. Occasionally, she becomes so exasperated with me (and discouraged) that she exclaimes "No matter what or how much I do, it's never enough for you, is it?!". That's not something that you want to hear, as it just makes your SSM recovery that much more difficult to get back on track. So do as I say, not as I've sometimes done.
Secondly, do NOT listen to the dictates of our western culture with regard what is attractive and sexy in a woman. It's both a self-promulgated lie and an impossible standard to meet. The TRUTH is this: you are sexy and attractive if YOU BELIEVE that you are sexy and attractive. It's simple. If you vibe sexy, you ARE sexy. On top of that, even within our skinny-worshipping culture, there is a significant subset of men who love full-figured, curvaceous women, and find them sexy as hell. I'm one of them, and hope that your H is one too!
I'll be honest, when H & I have a really nice encounter, I think my body is great! It works so nicely. I just need to stay focused on that. Reading Passionate Marriage helped me see that my body is not what is at issue here. I am gonna try very hard to stay in touch with that part of me that knows that I am a hottie!
Baggy's right you know. I have had girl friend's of all shapes and sizes and the sexiest were all the larger ones (um... 250+). It's the way that they talked and acted that I liked so much. I fell in love with that sexy attitude.
I like it!