I've got to spend some more time on this. We did some deep therapy once after the separation during which I really spelled out the correlation between what I am experiencing right now and my childhood issues.
So you are using your childhood coping techniques to deal with adult issues? Probably coming from a position of fear?
It was the nature of the therapy...we both had to be very clear about how we feel when the other does x and then take it back to a feeling we had as a child. It was pretty revealing. My point was that we were both made aware of the soft spots in our sitch. As to my coping techniques...I have taken a different approach but I do recognize the type and severity of feelings as my own and born from my own development and childhood (not him causing them)...My best assessment is that I am too easily consumed by feelings of loss and being out of control. The remedy is going to be action and forcing myself to focus outside of my brain. Otherwise, not sure how to grow those coping skills. I need to cope...just do it. Make sure that everything that needs to be taken care of is. Get my daily lists done. So far, I've been really slacking and have given myself too much time and slack to obsess.
[quote]You mentioned "composure." I think I need to work on that. How to keep my composure without feeling stifled.
Quote:
Does your fear cause you too lose composure? Is what you are doing improving your life? Would a wise and loving AAK be able to handle things better?
It is my inner composure. Doing much better outwardly. But, the energy expended in keeping it together, navigating my communication with just about everyone is extraordinary. I feel like a gaping wound walking around sometimes...I work very hard to be "ok" but it is a lot of work.
I think my identity is in question and that is what causes me to lose that inner composure. If I am next to H and we are discussing something that would be a married couple topic (Father's Day), I immediately have my "wife" hat on and have to take it off and look for that other "oh so together, secure, authentic but composed, sort of wife" hat...I struggle, "what is my role here?" "What does the possible future ex-wife say and do at this juncture?"
I think if I could sort of summarize who I am in this and what I am doing in relation to my M, I could better keep my composure. Rather, I feel I am jumping, shifting course all the time so, I am easily rattled or mystified.
Last week, I was really thrown off when H said he wanted to sleep here...I let him spin and he did mulling over why he should or shouldn't...I was so still and quiet. It was awesome. I gave it some real thought and finally said, "you make this decision, I have full faith and confidence that you will do what makes sense. I mean it." I was so cool and I felt great and went out for the night. Was it the right choice? Don't know. Felt good, felt worth it. Took it off of me. Was very different for me. Does that make me a doormat? I dunno. I'm going to go do my day and come back to this...
