"Exposure" vs. "Shame"

[25yearsmlc]

Here is what I originally posted and I used the word "Shame", b/c of a great book on religious faith that a minister recommended and I had just finished reading, called "Blue Like Jazz"....and I chose that word for a reason. In the book, the author, who IS a Christian, points out ways religion has been and is being misused by so called Christians to..."win" arguments, to be "proved right" or get their way, or to feign piety and use it as an excuse to condemn or shame people, and to manipulate. The book resonated with me and in some parts, I saw myself.

It was not posted to Puppy, but to someone else. And another person found it very helpful and they were an "almost WAW" and she said that if her h had tried to guilt her OR GO PUBLIC with "EXPOSURE" that she would NOT have come home. She can speak for herself though, but she has spoken at length with Puppy about this already.

Finally, before posting this, let me say that I do not recommend a "bo peep" approach and never have (PT, do you hear anything at all smug in that remark? Anything a tiny bit condescending? And the word "rant" you use to describe my posts...why not just say "hysterical", or accuse me of being in "that time of the month"? Yes it was offfensive.)

Here's what I was posting to someone else...when Puppy posted his response which you already have.


**"Most LBSers at some point try to guilt or shame the WAS into coming home. We say "How could you?" and "This is immoral, wrong, selfish, a SIN, against God's will, etc." (I know I did.)
I have given a lot of thought to this. Here's my opinion and it is based on personal experience) SHAME and why it sucks for all[/u][/color]
Shaming a WAS into "trying again" ALWAYS FAILS IN THE LONG RUN, EVEN IF THE WAS COMES HOME[/b]... yes I mean that literally. No couples reconcile for good, and I mean RECONCILE, (I don't mean move back in the home b/c true restoration of the M and real reconciliation mean a lot more than living under the same roof... You will find people here who urge you to condemn, EXPOSE the SINNER, and then they use GOD as a weapon for that. I say Shame on THEM.
How on earth will your h ever come home (in the true meaning of the word) [i]to a woman with her arms crossed in judgment, who says "Yeah I "FORGIVE" you BUT... [everyone knows...]"

I speak from experience on this, okay? Been there, done that. I Felt "right" to be the way I was, but I not happily married.

Instead we LBSers need to welcome the WAS home with a model of forgiveness that says "Yes we can start fresh and no I won't throw this in your face, ever, and now, moving on....and btw, I was at fault PLENTY and am working on MY stuff too, and thank YOU for forgiving ME" and mean it.
IMO, No WAS who feels shamed into coming home, will again feel loving, or warm or affectionate or attracted towards the source of the shame. And that source of the shame won't be the WAS' past action or OP. At some point, the source of the shame IS the LBSer. I see this particularly for the LBSer who guilts the WAS into returning by misusing God or religion, or family/societal approval to get the WAS back.
They "expose" the sinner to shame and while they claim to forgive, it is NOT the real kind of forgiveness modelled by Christ (and those of other religions who really forgive). It is the kind of fake forgiveness wherein the LBSer acts as if they are the sole victims of a problematic M, and wear their "forgiveness" as a badge of sainthood, and are smug about it often, so you cannot ever disagree with them due to their moral superiority and they feel OWED by the WAS and blah blah blah and might throw it in their face or LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO, every time a conflict arises....so many LBSers do this and wonder why the WAS finds someone else, or simply leaves again, for good. [/color]

To me, that is the shame of this all. And if this does not apply to you or only in part, fine. Just wanted to post it.

THE END

I use Corinthians for my biblical guide, and my DBing coach and my pro-M t, and whatever else strikes me as loving and useful and NOT ever punitive or judgmental. I'm a sinner and I won't forget that. I'm NOT my h's judge. I'm also not a doormat and never suggested being one of those either. Never said "don't bring A up" or anything like that. Yes it has to be confronted, but I abhor the idea of the public nature of the exposure you seem to be suggesting.

I'm not your judge either. I just urge any LBSer who wants to do that, to publicly expose the A to "family and friends", to seriously examine their motives and goals. I don't "dismiss" the idea of ending the A as being a small matter. Good grief....But I say IF the real goal OF ENDING THE A is restoration of the M -- it damn sure matters how you work to end the A.... and yes it would have to end. But publicly exposing it "to family and friends" is an extreme form of confronting that, and not all that different to me, than a scarlet letter. It seems dangerous to the long term restoration of the M.
It surely can look punitive, and judgemental and NOT make the WAS feel like coming home with an expectation of happiness in the M...If I wanted to stay M despite H having an A, I'd prefer to privately confront my h and tell him to end it within an hour, in front of me. Then we'd do the "real work" on restoring the M. As for the OP, if they're married, then their spouse should know. Beyond that, I can see NO benefit to more "public exposure," and in particular if you want a loving marriage again. Based on what I've seen, the fewer people that know and judge and label the WAS, the easier it is to mend the M in full. I said I've never seen shame work as a tool to restore a M and I stand by that. You did not dismiss the term "shame" until now and you inserted the word exposure instead...but they can be very very similar and one can directly lead to the other.

I used the phrase "don't shame the WAS into coming back and expect a real reconciiliation" and meant it. PT brought up exposing them "To family and friends" as his approach... PT's approach is one approach.
j-