I cannot think of anything more painful to do than to have this conversation with the precious innocent bystanders, knowing that this is not what they deserve. They didn't pick us as parents...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Now that's not everyone's sitch; I get that. Maybe Friendiness won't work in @pollyanna's sitch. But the Friendiness attitude -- Taking The High Road -- certainly can't hurt her. It certainly can't make her a worse-off person and, given the worst outcome for her, it at least minimizes the effects somewhat because she'll always have the thought balloon that says "I am so much better than you, H."
Thank you SP - let me know when your ready to remarry. LOL
My thoughts right now is that we, on these boards are here because we know how to love. Our WAS cannot of loved us or our families as they should. Love is not selfish ..... etc.
I really get the saying
'Better to of loved and lost , than never too of loved at all '
Thoughts are with you and the kids. This day is one they will remeber there entire life. You handle yourself with that in mind.
When I'm with my kids, I make sure it's just us in the world. I just try to push the outside craziness away and make the time rich. That job never changes.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
So WAW and I had a couple of longish convos yesterday. She's pretty broken up about the kids' reactions, as you can imagine, so I at least take this as a sign that @Greek's earlier comment about the fact that LBS's tend to underestimate the struggles (some) WAS's face was largely correct. I did my usual thang -- validated, smiled and waved, told her I'd do whatever I could and she was comfortable with in terms of helping her cope, but I didn't let her off the hook during the Kid D-Bomb.
At least as she expresses it to me -- and while it could be all part of some dastardly master plan I don't think she's that good of an actress -- she feels pretty much dead to the world. She's done with Signore Schmuckatelli, to the extent there ever was a "there" there, and she's started using my language and my version of L'Histoire du Smiley's Person in talking to people about our sitch -- which I also take as something of a victory, insofar as it suggests (suggests) that the fog is thinning, if not lifting.
I am decreasingly blameworthy for her Walk the way she now tells the story, and it is increasingly a joint failure to cope with serious stressors in our marriage. So I take that, too, as something of a victory.
And it hasn't hurt, apparently, that Smiley's Person has attracted more than the occasional glance from the Female of the Species. @robx's brief on behalf of jealousy seems, in this instance at any rate, to hold more than a shade of truth.
She's accepting some Friendiness hugs and hasn't reacted negatively to some otherwise unthinking physical expressions of care -- little things I always did -- and she keeps asking "how can you?" when "you're still in love with me?"
To which I replied -- Whoa, there, Keemosabe! No one said anything about "in love" hereabouts. Yes, it's true that I love you; you are, after all, the mother of my children. But let's not get delusions of grandeur here -- ol' Smiley's Person isn't sitting 'round, pining away, plucking daisy petals. Thanks to this sitch, I don't find it all-that-hard to imagine myself with any of a number of women.
Which she didn't like to hear, but which I liked saying -- not least because it's true. And it didn't kill the convo or her openness to me -- it just sort of woke her up to some realities. Like the Reality that, on average, it appears that I'm actually doing rather better at this whole "D" thing than she is. Which has got to be a kick in the pants.
So the Friendiness continues. And I keep leveling my sights at those 25-meter targets.
That, too, was difficult for me to get my head around. It was The Fear that had me in its grasp -- I was running. Running from everything. Fearful that any given thing I would do would "ruin it" and be the "final straw."
Until it dawned on me one day that it had already been ruined! That the final straw had already been stacked! How much worse could it get?
And when I stopped being afraid, things got better. Not "marriage" things, mind you -- me things. Which was something else I finally got my head around.
I was not my marriage.
My marriage was not me.
You are now officially a "Snake Killer." DB Special Forces.
Glad for you brother, pay it forward.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
