Newcomer requesting advice

[traveldane]

Journaling here-

Feeling pretty low. Being back in home city, even for a few days, is really, really hard. I wasn't expecting it to feel good, but was not prepared for the sting of all the trauma that has gone on over the past 4 months to ratchet up so much.

As I described a few posts back, my sitch is just dismal and I am seriously considering what is wrong with me if, at this point, I do not put the man that was my husband out of my mind, heart and any consideration of my future. I made some major back sliding mistakes yesterday with him on the phone, so of course I am feeling angry at myself for falling into that trap.

I mean, I do know that quiet faith with detachment and NC, but putting the D process on hold, is a very valid approach. I know that sometimes time is what is needed to heal wounds, and allow people into a frame of mind where they can and want to act in a way to reconcile Rs and Ms. But I also wonder if in my sitch, I have had blinders on and not seen what has already happened- a divorce, with a H. that just doesn't make the time to pursue the legal process because I mean so little to him now that he doesn't care or respect what we had enough to do what people do when they end things and move on. If that is the case, and its seems to be at this point, I'm even more shocked that he would treat me that way. But, how can afford any more shock ?

Throughout this process, I believed him that while he does feel nothing for me and or marriage after all that has gone on this past year, that he might not, (probably would not?)feel this way once the hurt and shame and guilt dissipated. I thought, if he did some self work that he, and many around him including IC, pointed out was no longer avoidable (emotional coping, relearning behavior to exchange avoidance for productivity). I've learned that I can certainly use some self work, so great, lets be separated and bring it on.I thought that eventually, he would again look at me and our marriage as valuable and what he wanted most. While, in the state of high emotional chaos, I felt that he would like to take the out if I presented the paperwork and all the remaining finishing touches on as silver platter. I was not willing to this, wanted to at least wait until the dust settled so that he would talk to me, like, you know, a real person.

But more and more I find myself considering his behavior. His behavior has been relatively consistent. Unlike other WAS that are discussed here and in DR, etc., he has not shown any indecision or regret about leaving. He has never called just to say hi, to fish, or to check on me. I know, in the scope of some sitches, its only been 4.5 months of this. But he just seems so final about not looking back. Only a few times has he soften to show any feeling towards me and grows more distant with each, infrequent phone conversation. I assume this correlates with a deepening R with OW. He shows no interest in my life, my activities. Shows coldness and almost contempt for me and our past, and is very irritated that we have remaining debts. I have felt, all along, that what he most wishes is for me to just disappear.

I feel like I should, for my own sake. My only concern is if I am in any way making a mistake. I had told myself I could hang in for the long haul, and here I am thinking I should give up. I would hold on, I would find the strength if I saw any indication to, but I don't want to do so just out of inability to accept the end of a marriage, that just because it doesn't have to be this way, it might just be. How to gauge this? Any WAS, any insight into my H.'s behavior, if you felts so consistently final and then relented? Any of your experienced folks who have seen these thing play out, any gut reactions to my sitch, H.'s behavior, my rambling thoughts?

Thanks, all comments appreciated.