Why not?

[AJM]

I haven't read forward yet to see how you're doing, but this occurs to me as a possible connection point in your relationship if you'll let it.

I need to make some choices that are specific here because telling him no sex with other women while we're married when he doesn't see us as really married anymore, does what? What is my or else?

That's for you to realistically figure out. This is part of what I meant when I said you need to work on you. I can tell you that many of boundaries are what I've seen as I've blown by them. There are some that are immutable for me. Learning the difference is difficult and takes time. You seem to have some time right now anyway...

I think my focus needs to be how I can function with some degree of self-respect and sanity. For example, I need a certain amount of notice as to what hours he will be here and he can ask me if he wants to have someone over and how late they will be here. Of course this comes off as controlling but I need to have some space. In the beginning of sep, I had boundaries and he was going crazy trying to access me and what I was doing.

See? You are starting to organize. You don't need me That's part of this - setting boundaries and being sure that you don't get sucked into the insanity. That's "detachment", being a "strong ally in the relationship", "being the observer", and so on. Many psychobabble names for this experience, but it's all descriptive of a place in your own world that will help you. Having the ability to view your life and the situation as if from an impassioned observer's viewpoint is actually kind of helpful. I'm not saying to make choices based on that, but it helps to see it differently.

You are doing very well. He is spinning. Then you spin when you think he's doing well. Truth is, I think he spins far more than you do. I think this is tearing him up and he self-destructs when he gets near you trying to perpetuate the cycle. You see that as lunacy and him saying WTF kinds of things. He sees that from you and the cycle continues. I think you need to gain that perspective of the impassioned observer for a little bit. My suggestion: write a story. You are one of those that writes and tells stories well. Well, write a short story about your situation. I don't recommend publishing it just yet

Sorry to not check in sooner. Been working on some things. Wish there was another way to reach out that's more immediate.

On to the next posts...

AJ