Although yours is a unique sitch (almost certain BPD), you bring up a broader point that I want to make:
I would never do ANYTHING based just on "how will my wayward spouse perceive this?" or "Will it make her angry?" And that's because, even short of a mental illness, a person in an active affair does NOT have the marriage's -- nor even the family's -- best interests at heart at that moment. That doesn't mean they're bad people, but in their current, fogged-out wayward state, I am going to do my decision-making based on my own sense of "WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO IN THIS SITUATION?" and I can't base it on how it's going to be perceived by them. I may have to then DEAL with the fallout of the perception(s), but I'm not going to base my DECISION-MAKING on it.
