BTW Coach- I am sorting it out on here thus the sort of mental gymnastics. I know that your advice is golden so I'm finding my path toward the truth in your suggestions. I hope that makes sense...I want to really "get it." And I think slowly I am.
I haven't read forward yet to see how you're doing, but this occurs to me as a possible connection point in your relationship if you'll let it.
Quote:
I need to make some choices that are specific here because telling him no sex with other women while we're married when he doesn't see us as really married anymore, does what? What is my or else?
That's for you to realistically figure out. This is part of what I meant when I said you need to work on you. I can tell you that many of boundaries are what I've seen as I've blown by them. There are some that are immutable for me. Learning the difference is difficult and takes time. You seem to have some time right now anyway...
Quote:
I think my focus needs to be how I can function with some degree of self-respect and sanity. For example, I need a certain amount of notice as to what hours he will be here and he can ask me if he wants to have someone over and how late they will be here. Of course this comes off as controlling but I need to have some space. In the beginning of sep, I had boundaries and he was going crazy trying to access me and what I was doing.
See? You are starting to organize. You don't need me That's part of this - setting boundaries and being sure that you don't get sucked into the insanity. That's "detachment", being a "strong ally in the relationship", "being the observer", and so on. Many psychobabble names for this experience, but it's all descriptive of a place in your own world that will help you. Having the ability to view your life and the situation as if from an impassioned observer's viewpoint is actually kind of helpful. I'm not saying to make choices based on that, but it helps to see it differently.
You are doing very well. He is spinning. Then you spin when you think he's doing well. Truth is, I think he spins far more than you do. I think this is tearing him up and he self-destructs when he gets near you trying to perpetuate the cycle. You see that as lunacy and him saying WTF kinds of things. He sees that from you and the cycle continues. I think you need to gain that perspective of the impassioned observer for a little bit. My suggestion: write a story. You are one of those that writes and tells stories well. Well, write a short story about your situation. I don't recommend publishing it just yet
Sorry to not check in sooner. Been working on some things. Wish there was another way to reach out that's more immediate.
On to the next posts...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Something else that may help you when it comes to how to communicate with your H. Something you've done in the past: silent listening. What do I mean by that? I mean listening to his actions and not his words. His words hurt. His actions may as well, but not all of them. Same with yourself. Learn to communicate with your actions and not your words as much (although you are an eloquent writer.)
You used to listen to him silently. When you do that, it speaks far louder than the words you could possibly speak or hear.
When you want to be reply angrily, stop and ask yourself if that's what you really heard and what you really want to communicate back. Ask yourself why it makes you angry when he says things. Is it real? Is it his bizarro mind speaking? Why the mixed signals? Why does he come closer only to maddeningly move away? Why does he have trouble sleeping? Weight loss/gain? What is it that is really happening and why does his words affect you the way it does? Does he mean to hurt you? Why the mixed sentiment then? Do you really feel that his trying to hurt you is the end of the story? Or do you feel there is more?
I'm curious to hear what you see in those questions. And if you have to rip his nuts off, I suggest doing so in the desert (only one 's') outside of the car. Perhaps in Vegas that might be more appropriate?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Instead, you may want to limit your time on this board for a start. Going cold - turkey can be difficult. Set aside a time during the day, work in that time, and then stop when it's done. Same for your thoughts around the relationship. Try and limit your time of thinking about it to those times. Save up, get it out, and then go back to your routine. Your routine is important.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Unfortunately a woman leaving is often seen as a sign of strength and empowerment. Kind of makes me sick. Met a WAW the other night at a party...spoke my truth anyway. We got a long very well so I think I made my point with out being offensive. You know, "every situation is different," etc.
A sign of empowerment? Yeah, it's too bad it's seen that way. Maybe in cases of abusive or dependent relationships but those of us close to real situations know otherwise.
My WAW in on this empowerment rush. Her hubris buys her separation, living with strange BFF, money troubles, and confusion. As she empowers herself right off the deep end I'll step aside. I tried but I just don't want to be a part of her crazy world right now. I've got my own world to work on.
Last edited by orangedog; 06/15/0906:07 PM.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I've got to spend some more time on this. We did some deep therapy once after the separation during which I really spelled out the correlation between what I am experiencing right now and my childhood issues.
So you are using your childhood coping techniques to deal with adult issues? Probably coming from a position of fear?
Quote:
You mentioned "composure." I think I need to work on that. How to keep my composure without feeling stifled.
Does your fear cause you too lose composure? Is what you are doing improving your life? Would a wise and loving AAK be able to handle things better?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"Self-validating (love yourself) is the armor. YOU CAN'T HURT ME IF I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU. This is the work we all must do and is required to have an authentic journey. Two warriors doing battle toe to toe realise that neither one will win. The stronger, wiser and more confident one will drop his shield first and offer his hand in peace. That gesture speaks volumes. Lead on." - Coach
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
It's The Fear, isn't it? We all fight The Fear. 3 quotes that I relied upon when I was driving Route 66, racing ahead of The Fear, way back on Thread 4 or 5:
Eleanor Roosevelt: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." [The only way past The Fear is through The Fear.]
Louisa May Alcott: "I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." [Love this one! You can't learn to cope until there's a reason to cope!]
Marcus Aurelius: "If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." [Yeah! I make myself afraid! I can UNmake myself afraid, too! Old Marcus had serious mojo.]
It's The Fear, isn't it? We all fight The Fear. 3 quotes that I relied upon when I was driving Route 66, racing ahead of The Fear, way back on Thread 4 or 5:
Eleanor Roosevelt: "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do." [The only way past The Fear is through The Fear.]
Louisa May Alcott: "I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." [Love this one! You can't learn to cope until there's a reason to cope!]
Marcus Aurelius: "If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment." [Yeah! I make myself afraid! I can UNmake myself afraid, too! Old Marcus had serious mojo.]
Love it, believe it, espouse it...oh, but live it? Harder...
