Coach- I need to get clearer on this. I was very critical of these attributes of H in the M. Since separating, I have made more of an effort to focus on the positives and make this a more comfortable place for him to be. I have also tried to see the positives of his ambition and youthful enthusiasm for what he does and who he works with. As in the M, it is when I feel threatened that I see the lifestyle as negative...I have worked very hard to separate the two issues so that as a fellow human, I can relate to him and like him. It is sort of like a hobby that a spouse may have where you say, hmmm...I don't really get it but good for you until the hobby becomes more important than everything else or costing money, time, energy, connection etc. In this case, the hobby is the livelihood...anyway, my point was?
Oh, my point was that I actually think I have said everything there is to say. It is up to me to either spend time with him or not.
I could probably use some work on communicating when I am bothered by something but without all of the emotion and rage underneath...I think that is what I get from your post. I don't have to hear something about other women and not respond, I can be clear that it is not a topic I want to discuss.
I've got to spend some more time on this. We did some deep therapy once after the separation during which I really spelled out the correlation between what I am experiencing right now and my childhood issues. We also covered how threatening his lifestyle was in the M. How I was ultra supportive up until it felt like I was last on the list. He knows how I feel about the superficial stuff...he loved that about me (that I am not impressed) but that is also anticlimactic, being with someone who isn't impressed by things that seem to impress everyone else.
I think that my impression of how evasive I am is inaccurate and probably skewed by how often I feel I am holding my tongue. In reality, I really do think I have said everything there is to say, probably too much.
If my verbosity here is any indication, I am quite an expressive lady. My idea of holding back is probably still more brazen than most.
You mentioned "composure." I think I need to work on that. How to keep my composure without feeling stifled. This is good.
