"I feel_______________ when you do _______________.
ps I would tone down the rippin his @#$% off comment.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
ps I would tone down the rippin his @#$% off comment.
I know!!! Jeez, you'd think I was hostile or had daddy issues! Maybe hormones but ya, I'm feeling a little crass today. Not very attractive but at least it is on here and not IRL (I can be aware today).
Oh, and it is really hard not to point out how he his duplicating his own father's behavior...behavior that hurt him so deeply.
I'm already a know-it-all. It is hard to watch something so stark and not say something. But it is really none of my bees wax.
A&K, those are great observations... Flip the roles and you have my sitch with W... It's one of those things that when we were younger, we appear to have had more insight into than we do now. When W and I first got married, we joked with each other that if I ever became like my father (an emotionally removed workaholic), she should remind me of the things I said I wouldn't do and if she were ever to become like her mother (verbally abusive, overbearing and completely ego-centric), I was to do the same...
Oversimplifying things, over time we each became what we said we wouldn't, neither one wanting to admit that we were going down these dangerous paths (which we each knew the other didn't want). It took the 2X4 of the ILYBINILWY (well before I even knew of her affair(s)) for me to come to the conclusion she was right; I had taken my own vow to myself (not to be like dear old dad) literally, and while I was available to the kids physically (being around more), I was just as removed "emotionally" as was he because I just brought my work home with me. So, while I wish her tactics had been different, I have come out of this a better father than I was before...
On the other hand, I believe she still believes she isn't becoming her mother because she "knew" to avoid it, too (just as I did, yet I still ended up there). Her mother's behavior that hurt her so deeply (and from which she is still trying to escape) will, unless she gets a 2X4 likely take her down the same path with her children... and that is a terrible tragedy. Everytime she says something to them that sounds like what her mother said to her I WANT to say something, but I've finally come to the same conclusion you have, but with a slightly different twist... I think it IS my business, as the children's well-being is my interest, but I just can't do a d*mn thing about it... And, if I were to speak "my piece" it would only make things worse.
I can work on me (dreading the conversation with the kids), but if, and only if, she ever realizes that she is "flawed", too, can she preserve her R with them. I cannot tell her that -- just as our changes have to come from within, so to do those of the WAS. We can, a la Thinker, be there as "partners" if we choose, but we cannot force our "truths" upon them.
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Did you check the calendar??? I'm definitely thinking it is that time of the month!
Actually, this is a great list for you to get out of your mind and into print. It allows you to really look at and evaluate things and what YOU are going to do about it.
What can you do about feeling helpless, sorry, abandoned, confused, judgmental, embarrassed, demeaned, devalued, humiliated, and betrayed? This is a jumping off point for you to use to detach your emotional entanglement.
One of my favorite quotes is from Eleanor Roosevelt "No one can make you feel inferior without your permission." So, time to take back the permission you have given him to make you feel all of those negative emotions.
One more quote for you--"The smallest change in perspective can transform a life. What tiny attitude adjustment might turn your world around?" Oprah Winfrey
So, today, what attitude adjustment are YOU going to make to change the dynamic in your life? If PMS is an issue--I would suggest a couple pamprin and a ton of exercise--both work great for me!
I have also been reading, daily, Oh The Places You'll Go ever since Coach suggested it. I am working on getting out of my Waiting Place. Maybe it is time for you to take steps out of your Waiting Place. The steps do not have to dissolve your M, but they can make you a happier mom and woman. If your H thinks it makes you a great wife, too, then that is icing on the cake.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Ya SMW, it was hard for me to do that exercise because I don't think anyone else is responsible for my feelings.
That is true but unless you speak up then the pattern repeats. It is healthy for you to let your husband know how some of his behavior makes you feel. Don't you let him know if he makes you feel great? He might not really understand some of your hurt until you let him in. You have to be able to articulate this with composure. Understand your feelings and why you are worthy of him listening to you. You can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach- I need to get clearer on this. I was very critical of these attributes of H in the M. Since separating, I have made more of an effort to focus on the positives and make this a more comfortable place for him to be. I have also tried to see the positives of his ambition and youthful enthusiasm for what he does and who he works with. As in the M, it is when I feel threatened that I see the lifestyle as negative...I have worked very hard to separate the two issues so that as a fellow human, I can relate to him and like him. It is sort of like a hobby that a spouse may have where you say, hmmm...I don't really get it but good for you until the hobby becomes more important than everything else or costing money, time, energy, connection etc. In this case, the hobby is the livelihood...anyway, my point was?
Oh, my point was that I actually think I have said everything there is to say. It is up to me to either spend time with him or not.
I could probably use some work on communicating when I am bothered by something but without all of the emotion and rage underneath...I think that is what I get from your post. I don't have to hear something about other women and not respond, I can be clear that it is not a topic I want to discuss.
I've got to spend some more time on this. We did some deep therapy once after the separation during which I really spelled out the correlation between what I am experiencing right now and my childhood issues. We also covered how threatening his lifestyle was in the M. How I was ultra supportive up until it felt like I was last on the list. He knows how I feel about the superficial stuff...he loved that about me (that I am not impressed) but that is also anticlimactic, being with someone who isn't impressed by things that seem to impress everyone else.
I think that my impression of how evasive I am is inaccurate and probably skewed by how often I feel I am holding my tongue. In reality, I really do think I have said everything there is to say, probably too much.
If my verbosity here is any indication, I am quite an expressive lady. My idea of holding back is probably still more brazen than most.
You mentioned "composure." I think I need to work on that. How to keep my composure without feeling stifled. This is good.
