As far as I, Kevin am... I really need to think on this. I am hoping the counseling will help me figure this one out.
Have you made an outline of ALL the issues you and your C will need to address over time? Have you created an immediate plan as well as a long term plan for your C'ing journey? Also, be sure to mention to your C that funds are an issue as he/she might have some options for you. IMO going in with a plan of some sort is necessary and staying very solution focused is key. Rehashing old issues over and over again will not be effective and you need to learn the tools to manage and grow your life now.
That is a tough question to answer. I wasn't very focused in school. I dropped out in high school. Then I got my GED and went to college. Then I chose to quit and be with W and we both worked from there to build our life.
This, IMO, is some very blatant info. You quit your education to be with your W. Why couldnt you do both? IMO a good marriage is one where both spouses can pursue and grow as individuals AND as a couple/team. You let your personal growth fly out the window once she came along and honestly, that just may be where the downfall started. It is necessary to build YOUR life and the life of a marriage and it can be done at the same time. You really need to ask yourself why you chose one over the other when both where very possible.
I was ambitious at the beginning of my career with insight from her showing me why I should be. But then as the years went on and I did better, I got complacant. I felt like we were doing fine financially and I was satified money wise between what we were both bringing in. I can't say that I really excelled at anything in school. I don't feel like I am as smart or as quick as other people on things. I have never really ever been able to organize well or take notes at all and also follow along with what is going on. I really need help in organizing and taking notes. That could be a good class to take.
Well, there are some good goals right there and onces you can begin at once. Learning to be organized and taking notes can be self taught on there are hundreds of free resources online and at the library to get you started. You say you arent as smart as others. Why do you think that is? You said you basically let your W guide your career. Why would you put that sort of pressure on your spouse for YOUR career. Sure, getting support and input is important but allowing her to guide it for you smacks of neediness and may be one very solid reason as why she does not view you as a strong man capable of handling his own business.
Today W and D11 were on their way to pick up D7 and had a tire shredded on the interstate. W calls me to tell me about it. I said do I need to head up there, obviously concerned. She said no she is handling it and she took care of it. Then later on she sends me a text telling me they are ok and back on the road. Ok, I'm glad they are safe and everything is ok. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she called me if she didn't need any help. Then later she tells me she called to just let me know incase they were running behind. Ok.
Again, you wasted time trying to figure out why she did something when that time could have been spent in a far more productive manner (like say, working on your counseling outline, working out or some other "Kevin" activity). And at the end of the tire ordeal she told you why she called - to show you courtesy as a co-parent that she might be late. What did the wasted time and energy you spent thinking about why she called provide you? NOTHING except allowing your W to again consume your thoughts to the extreme.
Tonite I go over to W's house for dinner and to get the kids for the week. We made seafood and talked all evening and joked and helped each other get the kids ready and make dinner and clean up. I'm thinking what a great evening it was. And it really was. Well, of course, W tells me she has a "friend" coming back from Santa Fe that is taking her out for her birthday dinner and she is booked all week. Right away I know who this friend is. Its original OM. She slept with him for his birthday and I'm pretty sure he is returning the favor. She always says a friend when it is him and he is the one that travels for business. I don't say anything though.
I am glad you didnt say anything. Stop speculating what may or may not happen or you will continue to drive yourself crazy. Again, she clearly is telling you this to drill in your head you and her, at this time, are only co-parents.
As I pack up the car and get the kids in, W hugs each of them and tells them she loves them and goodbye. I close D7's door and turn around to tell W goodbye and she has already started walking off. I was like, dang. I was fooling myself thinking we had a great night. I told her good night and thanks for dinner she said good night and went in and closed the door.
What did you think would happen after your "great night"? That she would drop to her knees and beg you to come home and live happily ever after? Once again you really need to work on managing your expectations. Your "great night" should have been solely focused around the children but it wasnt, it was all about your W.
Ya, the usual, I thought about it the whole way back home. The girls were arguing tonite and W tells me she is glad to send them to me for the week. Apparently they argued all week. They have been doing this for a while now. I am trying to figure out how to control it. But I couldn't believe W said that. I love having my kids. I know it was only out of frusturation. But still. I would never say that. And she said it in front of them. I know she loves them and cares about them. But she sure is different now. She just seemed more than happy to be rid of them for a week.
So, you spent the whole way home with your kids in the car thinking about your W instead of talking with your kids. Instead of getting your kids excited about the upcoming week, talking about plans, asking them about school or whatever you obsessed on your W. If one goal is to be a better parent then you must focus 110% on your children when you are with them.
And yes, your W is different now and you should be too. You are both acting as single parents and its a whole new ballgame for both of you. IMO its natural for both of you to need a break.
So who is Kevin? Maybe I will be able to answer that tomorrow after counseling. I will give it some good thought tomorrow as it is late tonite.
Good luck with your appt. But keep your expectations reasonable... it will take months and months of C'ing to really figure out who you are and why you resist becoming who you want to be as an individual. One or two sessions wont "fix" things. Dedicate yourself to the process.
