W dropped the 'bomb' on 01/03/2009. I had suspected possible A prior, but was still in denial. I attempted to start MC, but she said "I'm tired of waiting I want a divorce right now!" on 01/15/2009 after meeting with our preacher.
I told her "Okay, lets work out an agreement and file mutually so we can move on and work together for our daughter."
This wasn't good enough for W, she files on a fault ground of "Physical and Mental Cruelty" wanting sole custody and child support with me having zero visitation and I just sort of *sigh* because her behavior and stability throughout January was disjointed to say the least...
I was served papers on 02/02/2009, hired an attorney on 02/04/2009, hired a private investigator on 02/05/2009, busted her A on 02/06/2009, and then counter-filed on a fault ground of adultery on 02/09/2009.
Her attorney started making threats, claiming to have all sorts of abuse evidence. Of course I knew it was b.s., but my lawyers didn't so they wanted me to settle. I took charge, told them what I wanted to do, and here I am 3 months later holding all the cards after uncovering her mental history.
So I've attempted the DBing in the midst of a very hostile divorce action. W has been so paranoid, etc. yet visits OM next door on a regular basis as if she can't comprehend she is hurting her legal case. I did the exposure as much for myself as for the M, because passively recording/documenting was becoming emasculating.
I pretty much went by the book... I had a few slip ups but we all do. Generally I've done everything as well as I could... but with false accusations, crazy-making, etc. I pretty much came to the conclusion that this relationship was no longer healthy for me or my children.
So why go into my own situation? BPD is at its core a mental illness based on intense shame on the part of the borderline. Although she hasn't been officially diagnosed - at the heart of the matter is the knowledge that whether I exposed or whether I just upheld the M - W was going to feel intense shame whenever dealing with me.
Although my case is extreme - I've also learned that the healthiest thing for me was to work on myself, focus on healthy things in my own life, and focusing on my children. Learning to quit worrying about what W does and does not do is very liberating.
An A will eventually run its course... but as intensely as some people want to save their M, they won't be able to hold out against the extreme selfishness and entitled behavior of the wayward if they stay too involved. Whether you expose or whether you do the passive approach - your primary focus should be on yourself after the decision is made.
I've learned this, because I know how it feels to lose respect, trust, and love for someone I cared about deeply. Now I have to treat her as a snake, deal with her from a distance, and focus on protecting my children from her behavior.
In the end I recognize that the price I would have to pay to continue my M is too high. That being said - I should not show any disrespect nor take out any anger or attempt to appear righteous to my W, because I'm not. Exposure if done should be done as lovingly as possible... but if you continue your M after using the tactic the repair work is going to be something that requires a great deal of thought/effort on your part to avoid holding it over your wayward's head.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
