Man Overboard

[The Wifey]

SMW,

I am going to hit my knees a bit before I go finish mowing the rest of the lawn. I will do so again before I paint the guest bedroom. So much to do today, but never too busy for prayer.

KJ

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

What a wild few days we have had around here!

D9's appointment on Wednesday went as well as could be expected. I was not in with her and the C, but instead we decided I would go in for her normal appointment on Thursday--D9 did not need to go. She said we would talk about things said with D9 then and to just make sure she got her meds down. She did mention that they hd the doc explain to D9, at her level, what happens when she does not take her meds. DH did not get off work in time to make D9's appointment, but was at the house by the time we got there. D9 did not, or would not, tell DH anything that was said. He stayed until 9 again, then left.

Wednesday night, D17 snuck out of the house. I caught her within minutes. I locked up the whole house after walking around outside to see if she was out there. Then, I called her cell. She did not answer, but called back in less than 5 minutes. Said she was on the front porch the whole time, to which I threw the BS flag. Said she had a bad dream about D9 being hurt and bleeding and DH not doing anything to help her out, but walking away toward the OW. I let her back in the house and stayed up until after 5 to make sure she did not take off again. I was wiped out on Thursday and glad that I did not have to muster the energy to put up with DH.

I took D17 to her C appointment where she was dressed down for her blatantly disrespectful behavior--lying, sneaking out, not sticking to curfews, etc. C said she felt like DH needed to come in with D17 for an appointment as soon as it was possible. D17 was going to confront him at home, but C felt a mediator would be better. We are not going to tell DH ahead of time about the appointment so he cannot bug out, but will jus have D17 ask him to go back with her--her next appointment is 7/2 and is only 15 minutes prior to D9's.

Went in later to see D9's C and she said that a visitation schedule will be a lose/lose for the kids. Without one, they are devastated by his disappearing acts, but with one they will lose out on the continual contact that they-and DH-enjoy so much. C said that it is obvious that DH loves his kids very much from the limited contact she has had with him. also said that she sees, under all of his bluster, that DH is still in love with me, but cannot see his way to end things with Ow and come back home. Told me to continue to love him, allow him as much access to the kids as I can take, and to continue to be consistent in my behavior around him--sounds like she has read DB and yet says she had never heard of it before she met me!

DH had duty Thursday, so no contact with him.

Friday, we had to take D17's dress in for alterations for my cousin's wedding next week--got tot the house right after DH did. Then, left the other kids with him and took D6 for a haircut.

When I got back, we cleaned up the kids to head over my sister's for kind of a rehearsal dinner, as they were not having any type of a rehearsal before my niece's wedding. DH was over there and my family was nice as pie to him. DH mentioned, in front of my dad, that he would not be seeing the kids after the wedding Saturday and would not see them on Sunday. When I asked, he confirmed that he would not be attending friend's wedding with me. After he walked out to play with the kids, my dad shook his head and sighed. I told him that was the first I had heard about it and I would bet money that OW was here or was coming in. My dad said he was sure that was the case and that he really hoped that DH woke up soon before he lost not just me, but the kids, too.

We left my sis's about 10ish and Dh helped me load the kids in the car, told me he would be over to help me with them in the morning (all 3 of the girls were in the wedding) and told me to drive carefully.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

DH showed up on Saturday about 15 minutes after I left the house. D17's BFF was here with the kids when he got here. apparently, he told the kids he was not going to stay for the wedding reception, that he was going to visit a friend in mid state city.. BFF said "oh really, how interesting." She said DH looked at her with a look like "please do not say anything." She said she so wanted to ask him who his friend was that she was more important than being at his niece's wedding, but she kept her peace. D6 said "those people are stupid--Meaning people in that city--and BFF said she busted out laughing and left the room.

BFF told D6 she would give her a bath when she finished reading to S3. DH told her not to worry about it, he would take care of it and for her to get ready. I got home about an hour after he got there.

DH helped get the kids all dressed to leave, but never once mentioned that he was not staying for the reception. As a matter of fact, he did not mention it until after the ceremony was over and we were moving into the reception hall.

The wedding was nice and my niece looked beautiful. She wore my sister's wedding dress from her first marriage, my veil that has lace appliques from my mom's wedding dress on it, and a ring that my grandmother wore all the time. It was i special that all of us were an the altar with her.

I, being the sentimental fool I am, cried from the minute D9 walked through the door, right until the end of the ceremony. Especially tough was the part of the ceremony where the JOP talked about marriage being a lifelong commitment and the rings being a symbol of that commitment. I wear DH's ring with mine and I kept rubbing my finger over them without realizing it. D17's BFF told me, later in the day, that she had noticed it and that everything is going to be okay.

Even though I knew, I was still shocked when DH told me he was not staying for the reception. He left right after the wedding party was introduced. he told D9 goodbye, but did not talk o D17, D6, or S3 before he left. He did not even congratulate niece and her new husband. As he was leaving, he told me he would call me later.

Well, he did call, about 9:30, while I was out to the store, and after the littles were asleep. Told D17 that he was in other city, that he did not get a chance to say goodbye, and to tell me that he would probably not be over on Monday to see the kids. I hate that he relayed a message through D17, especially since he knows she knows everything anyway. Why rub salt in a wound. He did not tell hr to have me call back, so I did not.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

I had a rough night emotionally last night and ended up going to bed at midnight, completely spent--so much so that i did not hear the alarm going off to get up for church. S17 eventually came upstairs at 9am (when we should have been at church) to check on me cause her and BFF were worried about me.

I got up, D17 got the littles breakfast, and I started building trays for a potluck wedding reception this after noon for a friend from church. The littles and I left for church for the 11am service, I worked in D6's room, and then we attended my friend's wedding after.

My friend looked absolutely gorgeous! This is a second marriage for both--firsts both ended in divorce and I know friend's was a result of infidelity by her H. SIDEBAR--Ironically, her XH came to her around 6 months ago to say he made a mistake, but she was already engaged and was not willing to go back there again. She told me she told him that he had made no changes, had expressed no willingness to change, and she was happy with where her life was going.

Their ceremony was absolutely beautiful and so touching. I cried again through the whole thing--heck every woman in the church, and even a few of the men, were crying. Both the bride and groom are very active in the church and good friends to many. I am thrilled for both of them and so happy that they have found each other. They are both very supportive of my stand for my marriage and the bride expressed her regret that DH did not make it ( I did not tell her why) and that she hoped to meet him in the near future.

Tonight was a lazy night. I need to do some school work, but after all of the emotions of this weekend, I am not up to it.

Oh, another sidebar--apparently my cousin who is getting married next weekend called DH to see if he was coming to her wedding. She was apparently not to nice to him, even though she and he were great friends. She essentially told him he screwed up, he knows he screwed up, and he needs to either live with the consequences or fix it. She also told him that she loved him, he was always welcome to visit her, but his GF was not welcome. She said he kind of shamefully laughed and said he would never do that to her.

He was still on the fence about attending her wedding, too.

I honestly believe that OW freaked about DH coming to niece's wedding and she made the trip here to force him to pick between family and her. Unfortunately for him, he chose wrong. I can honestly say that last night I hated my DH, today I merely pity him for all the bad choices he has made and continues to make. Despite it all, though I still love him. How jacked up is that?

New Nephew is disgusted with DH. Nephew is also Navy and says how is he supposed to respect DH and his rank when DH's actions are so out of place with the core values. Wants to call DH's command bot won't out of respect to me. I am so blessed to have so much family that loves and supports me.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[Coach]

Are you sure DH saw OW this weekend? What boundaries do you have established?
I would ask your extended family not to give DH any more grief. He knows they all know, he knows that his actions undermine him at work, and I imagine he is miserable inside. He couldn't stand up to the scrutiny at the wedding reception so he bolted. So where does he go for comfort? It's not the right place to be but safe.

Are you going to go see KJo? If so, go and be mysterious.

Make sure the kids aren't matching your emotions. You said you hate your DH, lovingly detach SMW. Are you afraid of what might happen if this doesn't work out? Think thru all the possiblities and accept this isn't all up to you. You can handle it.
Cheers
Coach

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Am I positive DH saw OW this weekend? No. But the secrecy surrounding the trip tends to lean my mind in that direction.

I did not even know my cousin was going to call DH, I was shocked that she did, as she has taken a hands off approach to this point. As for nephew, he did not say anything to DH and I doubt he will, out of respect to me. My mom said that she believed it was all the overwhelming guilt he felt that caused him to not stick around, coupled with the "puppetmaster" being in town. My family is nothing but nice to him, as are all of our friends, even though they all disapprove of what is going on. They do not want to add any fuel to the fire and I appreciate that.

I am going to see KellyJo in three weeks and I cannot wait!! Of course, she needs to stop injuring herself in the process of fixing her house up--or I will have to nurse her and we will not get to have fun! LOL

I have been really good around the kids. Other than the tears they saw at the wedding--which were easily dismissed as emotions over niece getting married--they did not see me cry all weekend. When I said I hated my DH, I was at my mom's and none of the kids were there. I think this is really the first time I have felt that much anger toward him since all of this started and it really shocked me, but in a way, too, it felt like a release valve opened up, too. I think the emotions spent to finally say that is what led to my sleeping so late on Sunday.

Am I afraid of what might happen if this does not work out? Honestly, sometimes I do fear the future. I do not want my kids to grow up like I did--shuttled back and forth and never feeling like I belonged in either house, even though I lived with my mom and had my own space. I know that financially the kids and I will be taken care off--the laws in Virginia will see to that. I don't want his money, I just want him in our lives. Can I live without him? Absolutely, and I can fill most of the hole that is left behind, but there will always be an empty place deep in my heart.

I have accepted that right now, this is my reality. I wish I could get out more, but babysitting for three kids is expensive and I hate imposing on my family. I try to use the evenings for school so as to not take time away from the kids during the day. The kids and I do alot together though, and we always have things we can go and do. The kids finish school this week and we will busier more since bedtime will not be such a huge issue.

D6 graduates kindergarten tomorrow. I mentioned it to DH a couple weeks ago and he never responded if he would attend. Since he is not planning to see the kids tonight, do I email him and remind him, or just let him miss out on something he will never get back? Not emailing him seems punitive but emailing seems like I am trying to control or manipulate him. I guess he needs to take ownership of his choices once and for all. ALL kids have kindergarten graduation. He knows it, If he was interested, he would have asked for more information, right?

So many questions that I cannot find answers to,

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[mishka422]

Re: the Kindergarten graduation, he was told when it was....THE END. He can do what he wants with the information. You are not responsible for him now (nor should you have ever been, but that is how we wives are...nurturing and caring, always wanting our family involved in all the important things). If he misses it, he misses it. Your D6 will survive it just like she is surviving the whole situation. You are by her side, loving her constantly with stability and warmth.

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Mish--

See, this is where I am struggling. Yes, the date was mentioned but no details. D6 asked me last night, and again this morning, if Daddy was coming, too. I almost feel like I should at least send a gentle reminder.

Something along the lines of--

DH--

I just wanted to remind you that D6's kindergarten graduation is tomorrow morning at 9am at the school.

SMW

Nothing about him being told previously and forgetting, nothing about expecting him to be there. Just a reminder.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[mishka422]

Will he be calling the kids today you think? If so, gentle nudges to your D6 to ask her daddy if he's coming?

A reminder is seen as pressure. A reminder is seen by him as you not trusting that he has enough of a brain to remember a simple detail like D6's graduation or that you are insinuating that he doesn't care enough about his children to remember the important events.

See how he can instantly turn that back on you? Even though it is 100% about your D6, he will not take it totally that way. Capiche?

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

No, I sincerely doubt he will call to talk to the kids, he hardly ever does.

I know a reminder is pressure and that is the opposite side of the struggle. I am getting differing opinions on this, too. Mom says absolutely not to email, as do you. Others, and the majority, are saying a gentle reminder is not amiss, as then he can never say I did not remind him. In addition, some of those who are saying to remind hin know that DH has a brain like a sieve and that he has to be reminded of these things.

Crap I hate this stuff!

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW