Man Overboard

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

Am I positive DH saw OW this weekend? No. But the secrecy surrounding the trip tends to lean my mind in that direction.

I did not even know my cousin was going to call DH, I was shocked that she did, as she has taken a hands off approach to this point. As for nephew, he did not say anything to DH and I doubt he will, out of respect to me. My mom said that she believed it was all the overwhelming guilt he felt that caused him to not stick around, coupled with the "puppetmaster" being in town. My family is nothing but nice to him, as are all of our friends, even though they all disapprove of what is going on. They do not want to add any fuel to the fire and I appreciate that.

I am going to see KellyJo in three weeks and I cannot wait!! Of course, she needs to stop injuring herself in the process of fixing her house up--or I will have to nurse her and we will not get to have fun! LOL

I have been really good around the kids. Other than the tears they saw at the wedding--which were easily dismissed as emotions over niece getting married--they did not see me cry all weekend. When I said I hated my DH, I was at my mom's and none of the kids were there. I think this is really the first time I have felt that much anger toward him since all of this started and it really shocked me, but in a way, too, it felt like a release valve opened up, too. I think the emotions spent to finally say that is what led to my sleeping so late on Sunday.

Am I afraid of what might happen if this does not work out? Honestly, sometimes I do fear the future. I do not want my kids to grow up like I did--shuttled back and forth and never feeling like I belonged in either house, even though I lived with my mom and had my own space. I know that financially the kids and I will be taken care off--the laws in Virginia will see to that. I don't want his money, I just want him in our lives. Can I live without him? Absolutely, and I can fill most of the hole that is left behind, but there will always be an empty place deep in my heart.

I have accepted that right now, this is my reality. I wish I could get out more, but babysitting for three kids is expensive and I hate imposing on my family. I try to use the evenings for school so as to not take time away from the kids during the day. The kids and I do alot together though, and we always have things we can go and do. The kids finish school this week and we will busier more since bedtime will not be such a huge issue.

D6 graduates kindergarten tomorrow. I mentioned it to DH a couple weeks ago and he never responded if he would attend. Since he is not planning to see the kids tonight, do I email him and remind him, or just let him miss out on something he will never get back? Not emailing him seems punitive but emailing seems like I am trying to control or manipulate him. I guess he needs to take ownership of his choices once and for all. ALL kids have kindergarten graduation. He knows it, If he was interested, he would have asked for more information, right?

So many questions that I cannot find answers to,

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW