Just when I thought it was over

[No Longer BH]

Once again my head is spinning. H came over for a little while today, I invited him to go and see Land of the Lost and then he ended up buying S9 dinner and coming back to the house. We started talking and I asked if he had heard from maggot.....he said yes, she sent an email yesterday but he did not reply. He still has not sent the NC letter and for some reason I started to get upset. I told him that I needed to see his email account and his facebook account right now. I wanted to know if she was still on it and he said yes she was. I asked him why and he said he has not signed into it lately because things have been so hectic. I told him she had to be removed, today, right now.

So we go over to my computer and he signs into his email account and there are email exchanges starting from when he moved out of her place. They were all pretty much how are you doing? Good and you? Just a couple of lines between the two of them. And then I found one of them said that his bed felt empty. I started to shake uncontrollably and told him to just leave, he needed to get out. I told him that he has betrayed me once again and I am not interested in this path. He begged me to listen to him, wanted to explain. Told me that he just felt this was plesantries to gracefully end their relationship. Said that every time he responded to her emails he felt awful inside, yet kept telling himself that he was just letting her go gradually. He said it wasnt about her at all, it more like getting affirmation that maybe he was missed.

We had had a conversation a couple of nights ago where I told him why it was so important to have NC. The OW was like a drug, an addiction and if he didnt go cold turkey it would still be there. Most people say it takes about 3 weeks of NC to get over the need to have the fix that the OW brings. He then said "BH, it made me realize exactly what I was going through. I didnt want her at all anymore, yet I still was craving the ego stroke she represented to me. I thought I could just gradually fade away, a little step at a time. I can now see it cant work that way. It was my people pleasing personality that wanted to make sure she still liked me as a person.....that is why I also felt so awful after each exchange." He said that is why he didnt respond when she contacted him the last time and he never will again.

I asked him if he realized that he had just spent a week lying to me about it. He said he never lied.....I said H you knew that my boundaries meant NC with her and yet you did it. That is lying through omission. I just dont know if I can even trust you enough to move forward. We talked A lot more after that and he blocked her from his email account and his facebook account. In the begining I was insisting that he give me his passwords and he kept saying that it would violate his privacy with his other friends. He didnt feel right about me being able to read their thoughts that they wrote to him. I promised him that I would never read them and we went round and round. Finally I just said you know what, it doesnt make a F#CKING diff if I have your passwords or not.....if you contact her you will just delete it right away and I will never know or you will just open another account and have her email you there. I told him this was his one free slip up but if ANYTHING like this EVER happend again, he could kiss any kind of contact with me goodbye. I then said that he needed to send the NC tomorrow, no ifs, ands, or buts......and if he didnt, no more me.

I just dont know what to do. We did have a very open conversation about things, yet I am still torn up that he emailed her a couple of times. When I asked why in the h#ll would he say to her that his bed felt empty.....that was saying that he wished she was there. He responded by saying he knows that that is what he was saying, but he really did not miss her there. He was hoping that she would respond back that hers was empty as well so that he could feel that maybe he was at least a missable person. She didnt though. That was the only email like that, the others were just mundane how are you kind of things. Still......

I told him he better start showing me some actions soon or that was it, I was done. Part of me believes everything he said, he seemed genuine, but the other part of me is so scared that I feel like I just dont even want to chance anything with him. He already hurt me so badly once, I dont want to go through that pain again.

What are your thoughts? I thought about forcing him to give me all of his passwords, but that isnt a garauntee that he is maintaining NC. His phone is a company phone so I cant get call records. He can easily set up a different email account. There is no way for me to check text messages. How do I get transparency when he doesnt even live here? I dont know what to do to gain that trust back.

ARRRGGGG!!!!! This suxs! Oh, and then he calls me after he gets home to tell me that he truly does love me from the bottom of his heart and he is going to do whatever it takes to make us work. He is spinning so much right now....there are so many things pulling him in so many different directions and he feels overwhelmed, but he wanted me to know that he was committed to me no matter what. I told him that maybe we should just not see eachother for a while so that he can get his head on straight. He needs to fix himself and I am not willing to be his crutch any more. He said that his heart didnt like that option, he is hoping that there is a way for him to find himself while helping to heal us. Well, dont contact your maggot any more for starters!!!! I keep going from hopeful to spitting mad.