Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

Getting better at detaching thanks to the DR

Using the ideas of the DR helps, because in trying to do them repeatedly, despite my repeated slipups, I am still getting better with practice and I'm able to detach and look at the situation from afar as opposed to taking everything so personally, which is quite helpful at times.

I guess my spouse really had a bad weekend attending the distant relatives wedding out of town because within 10 minutes of him coming home, he said "F*ck Y**" to me, which he's NEVER said, and not only that, but he said it while we were both outside on the front lawn, in PUBLIC, no less! I was non plussed and didn't talk to him after that, much less a snappy, sarcastic comeback, much to my credit, but neither did I take it personally at all, which is far more important to me right now.

I can honestly say that he just must have had a wretched time coping (or trying to cope) with a million people asking about our wedding, almost 8 short months ago at this wedding.

I didn't feel the smug satisfaction I would have thought I might, but instead I felt really detached and was happy for him that he chose to next go to the gym and workout for a few hours because obviously he needed to let off some steam. That's exactly what I did when I got home from the wedding as well, because that's the best way I've found to deal with the stress and frustration. Forget getting drunk out of your mind, and try something aerobic. Not that I'm a fitness junkie by any means, but it always helps, even if I hate the idea of doing it beforehand and have to drag myself into the gym or onto an elliptical, always a few minutes in I'm into it and enjoying myself get a good hard sweat going.

Given how robotic my H's been acting lately, and how scarily good he is at detaching compared to me, I guess it is partially a relief to see him be somewhat affected by all of this. If he didn't care at all anymore, he wouldn't be upset, now would he? This is something to hold on to when it seems like there is no hope left for our marriage.

Also, I feel some satisfaction that he hasn't yet sent an apologetic email yet, which he has done in the past when he's lost his cool. This tells me that he is either really busy or hasn't yet cooled down his emotions. I see hope in the fact that attending a wedding, his first after ours, upset him because I hope that means he really drank in the whole experience and it affected him. Emotion from him is good, because I am SO SICK of the robot he's been acting like, god since April 22nd, 2009...over 7 weeks now. A "crack" in this facade lets me know he is still actually human, thank god, and that maybe, just maybe, this marriage can still be saved.

Ok, now the bad part about having supportive relatives is this, that in hearing your point of view and your pain during all of this, at some point, they may "turn" on you and basically say "dump this loser, move on", just like Michele says in the DR. At least this is what I am now getting from my dear brother. I feel pitiful claiming I do want to continue to try for my husband, but it's the truth more often than not.

Not only is it honestly more efficient and time saving to work on what I already have here, an existing marriage, I still can clearly remember all the good times (as well as the bad times) and want to get there again, and think we still can.

To be perfectly blunt, I am terrified by the thought of starting over completely with someone else, and having them get to know my quirks and my secrets and so on, not only that but the getting to know you process and actually finding someone worthy of investing my heart in once again. This is NOT to say that given enough bad treatment, I won't throw up my hands in the air and beg for a new chance with a new person, but right now, surrounded by my husband and our things and our life, I still want to try. Are there better men out there for me? Possibly, but for right now, what's the harm of trying to work on what I've already got, especially since we've only been married less then a damn year? What's a year? Not enough time, that's what it is.

I'm so lucky to have you all to "confess" this to, because others around me are giving me the impression I'm "weak and pitiful" kind of like an abused woman going back to her husband. I could take my husband back were he to address his issues and anxiety and fact them head on, but I think my family and friends would be a much harder sell. Thankfully, time and consistancy might change their minds.