I can totally understand you being afraid and people telling you to protect yourself. It is scary very scary, what if his changes aren't real, what if he starts drinking again...Those are a very real possibility...BUT...What if he has changed how great could your lives together be?
Based on what you've posted he's doing great, will there be backslides that make you rethink things, of course but they will become fewer and farther between. WHEN things work out everyone that said you should give up will be so happy for you and support you because you'll be happy and that's what they want...For YOU to be happy.
Last edited by volleydog; 06/12/0902:49 AM.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Thanks V for what you said. That is what I think too. Right now thoughts are coming up, realizations are being made and so far we have been able to share with each other.
H is seeing things for the first time, and the stuff I have been telling him for three years never got attached, so it is like a new R, getting reaquainted.
Yesterday I was upset about something at work - he attempted old way of just telling me what he would do - this time I stopped him to explain that we function differently - when I am upset this is what I need from you - and he just did it. Afterwards we talked about how everything is new for him, but he is learning.
For the first time he is seeing that altho I am strong, I have my moments when I need help or support. Funny, I didn't know he wasn't getting it - I just thought he didn't care. He also thought he was much needier and is finding out he is stronger than he thinks. Good stuff.
So you think that I am right when I say that most people here wouldn't try to help because of the sitch?
I think that sadly the majority of people here don't end up getting a second chance like you have. I may get slammed for this, but most of the WAS are going and not looking back for the most part. Mine is gone, but wants to continue playing with my head. VD's W is fence sitting. Blindsided's H is like mine. On and on....There are some M's that reconcile, but for the most part I don't think they do.
Ok, ducking for the huge 2x4.
I just realized how hard it must be for you two to work together as well as M. Its like you really don't have your own space and when you come home and vent the other person knows exactly what you are talking about rather than just be a sounding board.
Glad you are one of the lucky ones though Kass!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Yes, it has been a really tough time through our R, esp when he was drinking so much and I couldn't say anything to anyone. He was treating me poorly and I couldn't say anything again.
But for the most part I think everyone just wants us to be ok - whatever it takes. Most people know the problem he has and try to be supportive. No one asks questions to protect our privacy which is nice. Living under a microscope is hard when things aren't good.
Things have been ok this weekend - some tension arose, things didn't go his way, and I just stuck to the issue, he caught himself and withdrew from further comments. Turned out ok. Grad may be tense when he is around the family, but d did some outreach with him so he would feel part of things. I was proud of her actions.
I have to admit that I am not looking forward to grad when they start to recall memories of the past four years. When my s grad I was reminded of all the bad memories with my R, so I expect this to come up again. H is aware - we talked about it last night. I didn't want make him uncomfortable in front of everyone without the ability to talk it through - this should help. Also, H doesn't like my exh because of how used to treat me - hasn't gotten to the point of realizing everyone has their problems - and he has to let go that stuff.
I feel the same way on the grad memories. When they talked about stuff I would remember what stage exh and I were in at that time or what frame of mind I was in. Just try and focus on your D like you told me. Its a proud moment.
You get along well with your exh now don't you? Maybe he is jealous of your good relationship with him for your kids. I know my exh always put my exh down and picked on me because of this.
When is the graduation?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
History of H and exh - short story - I ended my first M because my exh had become a very angry person and abusive of me and the kids gradually over time. When my son started to go after his father to protect me - I decided it was time to give up. While we were S and living under the same roof, exh started dating without hiding it. While this was going on, my mother was terminally ill - she found out and started yelling at me to stop exh behavior - and then threatened to kill him if he put another hand on me. Serious stuff better left in the past. Kids were glad for the D and peace.
We got along afterwards because we were in separate worlds. The kids said he stopped getting angry the first year on his own - my d has always had a close R with her father, son not so much. Current H knows all this and has always been angry when seeing exh. Now that he takes respons for his own behavior, he is a little forgiving.
My poor neighbors! I can't imagine what they think! Me and angry men! Oh well, at least this one is making honest changes. Since we all be together at the grad, I will focus on d only. Maybe having her boyfriend along will help.
Spent the day decorating with H helping. I am already starting to get sentimental. I am such a cry baby. My son and H are keeping a close eye on me.
Had an interesting weekend, got tense a few times when things didn't go his way. The first one, I avoided taking it personally, and reminded him to stick to the issue.
The second was yesterday when I was having a problem, instead of getting angry with me, he recognized that I have a problem processing info in a tight sitch and kept his calm so he could redirect me and the sitch til I was comfortable again. (This is a problem I have always had, kids and exh understood this and learned how to guide me through these sitch. H never recognized that it was a problem I can't control. I had a head injury with some damage 35+ years ago and I can't function with too much stimulation around me. H used to think I was just being difficult.)
Well, today is grad! Woke up d for her last day, she was all smiles!
It really seems you and your H are really starting to learn how to interact that's great. There's still going to be some tough times but I'm sure you'll get through it.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
You and your H are both learning new ways of dealing with things. Its also going to take awhile for you to rebuild trust.
Have a great day!!! Want to hear details.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Grad went great! All day was everything that could go wrong did go wrong and I was a nervous wreck.
H and exh kept their distance and behaved well. D's boyfriend was nervous but got comfortable with us and during the evening talked to me about his feelings and plans for my d. Very nice style.
It was a late night and H used to complain about late hours, but no complaints last night. No complaints today.
Something else was going on that I didn't mention before - when having routine tests two months ago, I was informed that the result were abnormal and I needed to follow up. I postponed it until after d's grad so incase it was bad news I wouldn't ruin it. Today I followed up and everything is fine! Another relief.
No tears this time - the crowd was routy, the kids were routy ( they had these beach balls and kept trying to bounce them around during the ceremony - outdoors - but the teachers kept taking them away) I kind of got carried away by the routiness of the crowd and started to boo the teachers when they stopped the ball and the rest of the night, the crowd kept booing them. I sort of feel bad.
Back at the house all her friends came over and we had fun! They are such a great bunch. So I am now declared "old" because I have two adults for kids. Feel older when d's boyfriend asked for my permission to get serious.
H and I are still getting along very well. We talk things through and I see him enjoying himself now. He sees how much we actually have in common and how much fun we have together. He even enjoyed the grad because for the first time he can remember, he is having positive feelings and awareness of what is happening. More appreciation. It feels good.
