Hummmmm.........Stuck I'm glad you got the anology. I know that on some of my old posts that I've told you the very same thing so this tells the story of what kind of shape you have been in! Right? Stands to reason due to all the stress and agony and maybe you can even understand her a little better. You see, I know you've been given basically the same advice from most of us and yet you NEED to hear it over & over b/c you get bogged down in your negative emotions and it's like everything you've heard here goes by the way side. Then somebody tells you again and it's like....."Oh, yeah, okay!" LOL........but that is true for all of us when we are in this type of stitch. That is why we must stand behind our posters and hang with them b/c a one time fix of DB doctrine is not going to work. Repetive learning, like the kids get in school is what we all have to do. As mentioned......it never ends.
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Yet my W couldn't spend 30 seconds just to say 'hello'.
I know everyone's going to say it's because she's uncomfortable, or ashamed, etc. And I understand. It's just sad on her part. Plus she's a nurse who's supposed to be the compassionate one.
It is the shame and huge embarrasment of the whole EA. I would not have been able to handle any of my in-laws or anyone like that knowing about my EA. I would think it even takes getting over the tramatic process of getting back to a "normal" state....much harder b/c you she has to deal with the fact people "know" about her. That's hard, Stuck. And, you ARE treating her and talking like it was a PA. I agree with 25Years. It did not go physical and even though an EA is and can become very serious, she did not go to that next level. You are wounded and feel betrayed, but it was an "emotional" thing.......not a physical affair. There is a lot of difference there. How many times have you looked at a sexy woman and lusted after her? Bet you didn't tell your wife every time you lusted after a hot young thing, did you? But you see that as being "different" and that is just what men do, right? Well, women opperate in a different realm. I won't get into all of that b/c I don't have time this morning, but I want so badly for you to be able to let go of the problem that YOU have. You will never be able to detach or be friends or do any of the DBing techniques properely until you can come to terms about this EA thing within yourself. She made a mistake........a really bad mistake. What if it was turned around and it had been you that got attached to another female you were attracted to? How would you want your W to deal with it?
On a note to 25Years regarding Puppy Dog Tails.......... I love Pup but I have to say that he and I have been around and around over some issues of the exposing the A, etc. I finally tried to read his old thread (most of it, anyway) and it helped me to see his POV, but I have yet to see a positive outcome from that approach. I know some other men took that advice and did the same thing.....and they felt good about it, but it has not completely healed the M as to date.....that I am aware of....may be some I've not heard about. I do believe in certain cases that a "tough love" approach is needed as Dr. James Dobson teaches in his book with the same title. He is actually teaching DBing but he carries it to another level when having a "crazy" spouse who expects you to accept them bringing their lover into the house or some such nonsense.
My POV has been that it goes back to what we've said about the cold, judgmental arms of the H. Why would a WW want to crawl into a bed with somebody that treated her that way? Something to think about.
Oh, I can't stay on here........I have to go make a living!
Talk to you all later, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I love Pup but I have to say that he and I have been around and around over some issues of the exposing the A, etc. I finally tried to read his old thread (most of it, anyway) and it helped me to see his POV, but I have yet to see a positive outcome from that approach. I know some other men took that advice and did the same thing.....and they felt good about it, but it has not completely healed the M as to date.....that I am aware of....may be some I've not heard about. I do believe in certain cases that a "tough love" approach is needed as Dr. James Dobson teaches in his book with the same title. He is actually teaching DBing but he carries it to another level when having a "crazy" spouse who expects you to accept them bringing their lover into the house or some such nonsense. 
