OK for men with wives having an affair, has OM...

[25yearsmlc]

QUESTIONS WE ALL HAVE ABOUT THE AFFAIR... and ANSWERED.

1) Do they love them more than they did me?
No. They are infatuated however, and probably the last time they were infatuated was 20 years ago. Infatuation is a strong emotion. Remember your first? right. Imagine that all over again. Now. dont be jealous. its not that great to be 'infatuated' as an adult and acting like an idiot. People will go to great lengths for the 'fantasy' for their feelings.

2) Is the sex better? is it all about the sex?
yes and no. the sex is NEW. not better. stop beating yourself up thinking your a dud in bed. no, your just OLD in bed. but in truth, the lovemaking you had had history. so you want to know heres how it is: its exciting with a new person because its all new. but the old partner had all our buttons down. TRUTH. so stop comparing. or wondering.

3) What do they see in him/her?
They see someone who thinks they are fantastic. great; sexy amazing and smart. They see someone they dont know very well and feel desperate to know every single inch of them (refer to infatuation.) They like the mystery, the newness, more than anything. but heres the REAL ANSWER: they can reinvent themselves and be someone else. NICE, when you have been sick of who you are for years. they can be DIFFERENT.

4) What does he/she see in HIM/HER?
someone to save most likely. Dont kid yourself, the OP isnt an evil being. Your spouse has lied to to them a lot and cried on their shoulder and told a lot of fibs about how hard done by and misunderstood and ignored they are, to justify why they are there, with them, and NOT with their spouse. This OP truly beleives you dont appreciate them, know them, or care except for yourself. this OP truly thinks that your spouse deserves to be 'appreciated'. They feel quite justified; if you had loved them better it wouldnt have happened - its not their fault. their mantra is "your marriage was in trouble before I came along". the fact they're right does cause a bit of a sting. but dont be fooled, it doesnt take away what they did.

WILL IT LAST?
Probably not. But I wouldnt hold my breath waiting. The average is 2 years but 5 is not rare. However in MOST Cases, during the 2 to 5 year mark theres no longer YOU to blame anymore and the excitement has died down a lot. The spouse doesnt need 'saving' from you anymore - your probably long gone. What generally happens is, boredom sets in. Lets face it an affair and then a marriage/family breakup is really exciting. Rather humdrum after thats all gone. The OP often ends up running away with an old friend actually. (they were both really surprised!)

IF MY SPOUSE CHEATED ON ME WILL THEY EVER COME BACK?
depends and its individual. Some dont. the shame can keep many away from even trying. even after its long over. So, theres often not much point in holding on for the breakup. After that happens they generally just have double heartache to get over - the one with you they never faced, and now this.

IF THEY CHEATED ONCE WILL THEY AGAIN?
two answers to this. one is YES some will because a line was crossed and guess what the world didnt end. one is NO because so much pain was experienced they wont be touching that stove again. You have to make up your own mind. Certainly cheating with no consquences would lead to more cheating.

FF, won't go point by point b/c I agree with most of it and what I don't agree with is not important enough. I wanted to say I'm glad I found THIS thread of yours b/c it's healthier than the angry one I saw the other day. I see YOU ARE making progress and there is not the constant "consumption by anger" (my term and I think it works, ??) I worried about with you (and felt myself way back when...) One little thing about sex with the new...don't understate the importance of the familiar though. I shudder to think of what it'd be like to have someone else see MY stretch marks from giving birth and they're not hideous or anything...but they're private. And a guy kissed me about 2 years ago (long story but NOT invited by me, we shared a sad story and I "let" him hug me with my butt out, if you know what I mean, and HE MAULED me and here's the deal...it was gross!! I mean, ZERO "turn on b/c he's new" and I never missed my h more than I did that minute! POint is, our partners know we hate sushi but love shrimp or recall that the Rolling Stones are a great band STILL and who the idiot at Joe's wedding was and the birth of OUR children, etc. I think the WAS misses far more than we realize and I KNOW my h did. He noticed more than I thought at the time and he missed us, actually at times ached for us ALL without my knowing. Until much later. Sure, it might not be happening. Sure maybe your h is having 10 orgasms a minute, and OW reads his mind ALL the time, and is never tired or grumpy or has a bad day, and is so smart that she knows ALL the things you know AND more, and always is in the mood, and earns six figures, and looks like a model, and cooks like a chef, and speaks 5 languages and and and...Wait, what's that? She's a HUMAN??? OMG!!!! Call 911!!!...she may have flaws!! yeah -- and they WILL surface...in time....in time.... (sigh)

I also posted a piece about shame, to Stuck. Not "meant for" him or you but due to a book I recently read that deeply resonated with me ("Blue Like Jazz"--deals with our faith and how we incorporate it AND how we can misuse it AND I'm guilty of that so don't think I'm getting preachy, I'm "confessing" if you will)


But one last comment---Except for the part about "A" timelines ( I READ most A's last less than a year with 6 months being average...but you know, who cares about the "average" I guess? I mean wth does it matter if they ain't home? But I did want to know the source of that b/c I get asked it a lot and have a bf going thru stuff and I gave her DB materials but her h....is "off" for now, if you kwim so I'm trying to be helpful. If there is good research out there that says a diff LONGER timeline, I'd like to pass it on to her...

BACK TO EARTH.. Again, I am guilty of doing this. And what does not fit you, and maybe NONE of it does, can get chucked -- or passed on to someone who it does fit...(BTW, again, very glad to see THIS post of yours....congrats...you've had a tough blow and you are getting that now, life is all about you. And that ain't a bad thing! And yes, I relate to the idea that if/when the WAS wants back in, the healthy LBSer who has GAL HESITATES to make sure things WILL indeed be different....way way different and on both sides. Why do any of this if it could lead to another blow like the one we all had? For me, this "MLC Poop" and DBing, yes, it made me a better person BUT it's a once in a lifetime thing, for sure...)

Most LBSers at some point try to guilt or shame the WAS into coming home. We say "How could you?" and "This is immoral, wrong, selfish, a SIN, against God's will, etc." (I know I did.)
I have given a lot of thought to this. Here's my opinion and it is mainly based on personal experience and my opinion, but see Sandi's response sometimes, as an almost WAW...)

SHAME and why it sucks for all[/u][/color]
Shaming a WAS into "trying again" ALWAYS FAILS IN THE LONG RUN, EVEN IF THE WAS COMES HOME[/b]... yes I mean that literally.

No couples reconcile for good, and I mean RECONCILE, (I don't mean move back in the home b/c true restoration of the M and reconciliation, mean a lot more than living under the same roof... b/c of shame...

Again I speak from experience on this, okay? Been there, done that.

IMO, No WAS who feels shamed into coming home, will again feel loving, or warm or affectionate or attracted towards the source of the shame. And that source of the shame won't be the WAS' past action or OP. At some point, the source of the shame IS the LBSer. I see this particularly for the LBSer who guilts the WAS into returning by misusing God or religion, or family/societal approval to get the WAS back. (I KNOW You are over that part of this, FF, I get it and your sitch is pretty unusual)
They "expose" the sinner to shame and hurt their position in the family or community, and while they claim to forgive, it is NOT the real kind of forgiveness modelled by Christ (and those of other religions who really forgive). It is the kind of fake forgiveness wherein the LBSer acts as if they are the sole victims of a problematic M, they wear their "forgiveness" as a badge of sainthood, and are smug & judgmental about it often, so you cannot ever disagree with them due to their moral superiority or scripture quoting skills (quoting scripture is SOMETIMES used to "be right" or "Win an argument" and can you imagine how our Creator feels about THAT?...) and some LBSers feel OWED by the WAS (what happened to forgiving and letting go and) blah blah blah, and they might throw it in the WAS's face or LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO every time a conflict arises so the sword of Damacles is forever over their head....so many LBSers do this and wonder why the WAS again finds someone else, or simply leaves again, for good. [/color]

To me, that is the shame of this all. And if this does not apply to you or only in part, fine. Just wanted to post it. And the book reminded me of it so much. I highly recommend it to ALL.

((( j )))