First boundary...say NO to taking the kids to the house. I am finding that where the kids are concerned, setting boundaries becomes VERY CLEAR. IMO you should tell him that when he has a place of his own, or is subletting then he can have them part of the time, and can take him where he wants (within reason of course.) I think that in my sitch, once H got his place and has now started to take them for his time (and away from me) he has really started to see how he is effecting the kids, and our family. Your H hasn't had to man up to anything like that yet. That is another boundary that you can set once he is out and as much as it will suck...it will also help you to go darker, GAL, and work on you. Your H will have no choice but to face the consequenses of his actions more squarely. This could be a reason you are getting so hung up on the legal separation or D...because you haven't gotten to hand the kids over to him...and he hasn't had to share the responsibilities AT ALL!!!! It has been my plan to hold off on ANY talk/threat of being the one to file anything. I will call his bluff until he files himself.
The waterfight sounds like it was great. And he even said it was fun...positive stuff. Go with it as being a benefit in your sitch that these moments exist. He is checking on you. It is nice of him, so take it. Even if you think he is strining you along...who cares. He is doing so because he is not ready to throw in the towel and sometimes we can look at this as a positive sign, IMO. The hope is alive. If I thought you didn't have a handle on taking care of YOU, some of this advice probably wouldn't be appropriate. When you REALLY do forgive him, these moments of love, peace, and kindness become more genuine. He will notice it. I think it is OK to tell him how you feel sometimes. When I tear up in front of H I always acknowledge it and move on. One thing that DR tells us is to talk softly. I think it is so important and can be a 180 if you are normally chatty. You are DBing. And I think you are incredibly healthy and aware of how important you are in this life. You know you will be OK. But what about DBing your A** off???? What about consciously making maneuvers that will get him thinking even if he doesn't say anything. For example, I had a piece of paper sitting out and I knew H was coming over so i scribbled a guys mane and a phone # and purposefully left it on the counter. H saw it, didn't say a word...but it can be easily explained away...and he can wonder. Or not. The point is that it is proactive. Or set up a phone call for when you know you will be with him and excuse yourself mysteriously to take the call. I think this will help with #13 on your list. If he is there, you might as well be utilizing that time wisely.
Do you watch Californication?? I picture your H like David Duchovny! Mr. Cool Guy rock-star that he is! Well, in that show...David Duchovny lives that lifestyle and is addicted to it, but ONLY really truly happy when he is with his ex who is a FABULOUS woman. That is the whole jist of the show.
Glad to hear about the work sitch. Hope that helps you out.
i don't think it is a good idea for the MC suggestion YET. And that is against DBing. In fact so is talkin about the R and you guys keep doing it. Hopefully you aren't the one bringing it up.
I am so tired...but i have more comments on your list!!
I still feel funny giving advice, but I wanted to chime in...usually I mostly read and agree with stuff people have already written!!!!!!!!!!!!!
