As an almost WAW, I want to say thanks to "25 years" for the post she sent. I agree about the judging and shame department. In fact, I have to agree with all that she said. I have tried to see other's POV about it, but she has voiced what I feel in my heart. I know that as long as my H had that sense of "judging" about him and acted as if he thought I should be ashamed of myself.....it only caused me to rebell that much more. Now, I knew in my heart that I should be ashamed for my actions, however, I was not at that "place" yet and his attitude about the EA and "me" just made it worse. As I said before, it was after he settled down and was able to stop with the "judgmental attitude" that I was able to get through what I needed to. Don't know if that makes sense or not, but hope it does.
Stuck, I did want to respond to something you said. You said that you were being cold and detached from your W. Even if she is acting cold and detached......that is not the exact way for you to behave. I don't know if you did not mean that or if you do not fully get what the detachment thing is. As I have said in past posts to you, having her in the house is to your advantage. I know it is hard and you see her all the time and want & need her sexually. However, it would be soooo much worse if she or you were to leave the home. Trust me about that. One of the greatest problems I see you having is acting friend-ly toward her. You are not to be cold! Being detached is not being cold. I don't know why men can't seem to get that, but you are shooting yourself in the foot everytime you give her the "cold treatment". You can still be friendly toward her but detach yourself physically by giving her space and detach yourself emotionally by GAL and stop focusing on her 24/7. But nowhere in this DB technique are you to act "cold"! Why would you? Are you trying to punish her? Do you think she will go crawling back and want you sexually?
I wonder if you have misunderstood anything I have tried to explain in past posts b/c I know I have discussed this with you several times. In detaching......it not only gives her space, but by GAL and doing all the other things I have suggested (and I won't go into all of that again) it should cause her to feel more drawn or attracted to you. But not by being cold to her. There is nothing worse about a H than him being cold to his wife. It goes the other way also. Men hate it when they get the cold shoulder from the wife.....right?
So, if you are confused about this issue of detaching and being cold, please let us know so we can try to discuss it farther. If it was kind of a slip of the tongue.....then let us know that also so we won't be so concerned.
Stuck, I want to encourage you to keep hanging in there even though it is tough and you are suffering the results of all this mess. If I did not think you were doing the right thing by applying this method, I would say so. I think when you are tempted to give her some "my way or the highway" routine.....it is b/c you are frustrated and are wanting to hurry this process along. It can't be done like that. As "25 years" explained, you can't force her or threaten her or try to shame her back into a R that does not appeal to her. So, that is what you need to do........become the person who would be very appealing to her so that she would desire to be in your arms and "know" that she would be loved and not judged.
Now I am going to be very frank with you and say that I have a feeling that you have not fully forgiven her for the EA. Do you know that she can sense that very well? Don't you know that she can almost smell that about you? When you can truly, completely forgive her and are willing to accept her just as she is.......then that attitude, forgiveness and love will shine through you just as much. The reason I wonder if you have really reached the place you need to be is based on what you say in your posts and "how" you say it. I am not blaming you! I am just saying that you can't expect her to get to the place you want her to be, until first you get to where you need to be.
You know I care and I will be here to try to encourage you and also tell you when I think you need to step back, regroup, and start again. This is the purpose of the board.......and friends.
Take care, Sandi
Sandi please see my post, which I took partly from here, to Eternal optimist's thread under "utter agony" or some such name. In there, Puppydogtails takes a very diff approach to A's and I think that thread could benefit from your point of view and Your experience. It's uniquely valuable to many. And so, can you check it out? Thanks, J=
Stuck, sorry for the partial hijack...still catching up to you but then again, Some of this is on point, isn't it?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
