I've been following your sitch. You're a tough cookie and lots of times your insights have helped me, given me stuff to think about regarding my sitch.
I really resonated with your recent post where you talked about amount of time spent worrying/thinking about H. involvement with other women, be it emotional, sexual, or all the possibilities in between. I find myself there a lot too, and like you stated, the emotional stuff is worse, but also, what does it matter at this point. My H has admitted to EA but still maintains there is no PA...but I really feel like he is lying. We have to assume the worst, because, in the mindset these guys are in, why wouldn't they go there? I hate it so much that I spend time thinking about it, but it creeps in, despite my best efforts to not allow him and his BS to take over my morning, etc.
Anyway, I also have trouble with my GAL activities sometimes because I'm not someone who gets very excited about bar hopping with girlfriends. I will do it and enjoy to a point, but really, I prefer a nice glass of wine, reading, writing, and some good conversation (Normandy sounds great :-) So just wanted to say that I hear you on that.
Nice bottle cap quote...made me laugh, which is quite something these days. So thank you for that.
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
I know what you mean about just staying at home, watching the kids, just being.
After I had my oldest D, I outgrew barhopping. I just do not see the point anymore. lost of my friends my age have a few friends, are kind of homebodies, too. A good night going out now would probably involve a trip to the library--I love to read and devour books. A good night going out with DH would involve dinner, maybe a movie, and definitely a walk along the beach or boardwalk, followed by cuddling at home and an all night session of intimacy--not just ML but the holding, the whispers, the subtle, continuous foreplay.
Don't think much of Normandy, but oh could I do Tuscany!
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
What the hell. Why is he doing that? He seems to be thinking and sad...like he said about his dream. What did he say re: this type of stuff during your R convo??
He came in the house (had emailed from his office which is at the house)...I said, "that was an incredible photo."
He said "yes, it seems like a different life to me now." I did a little inner spin and then just said "ya" or nothing, can't remember.
I'm going to need to get some help here. I want to get my kids to sleep and then try to post succinctly what is happening.
I've got to do something because I am spinning to much and I need to have a clearer idea of what I am doing rather than feeling something is being done to me. I feel like I am getting left over and over and bits of my heart just cracking apart...slowly...but, maybe the slomo makes it so I can see more clearly.
You give lots of good advice on this board. You know that your emotions can and will ambush you from time to time. Don't let these intense feelings have a life of their own. You DO have control over your thoughts, feelings, and actions. We both know it's logical and rational to have these feelings and emotions under circumstances like these...but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. You are a strong lady, so exercise that strength.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
H just called to chat and see if I'm ok again. Said he knows I feel weird about him moving from place to place...I said "I don't know how I feel about it, how do you feel about it?"
He said he has gratitude because it is such a nice place...and it is only temporary (he is supposed to be subletting a place soon).
Am I ever supposed to be honest about what I think??????????
He also said it was so nice spending so much time with the kids and today was fun with me (H and I got into a water fight at a school event, people probably thought we were crazy in love)...
Anyway, he said he just wanted to check on me and I said that's nice of him.
Guys? What is going on?
Ok, so wanting to take stock and look at my sitch-
1) H has been back in town now for almost a week 2) H has twice sort of cajoled his way into sleeping here (with the kids) because he has no where to live (yes I allowed it). 3) H made it pretty clear that he has been intimate with woman/women or at least feels entitled to because we are separated. 4) H has made mention of how I look many times but there is a pretty thick wall between us physically...though today he came up and rubbed my shoulders and when he hugged me goodbye made it extra long...not sure I'm cool with it. 5) H has been extremely available to kids, lots of attention, gifts, time though not very conscious of what they are going through 6) Kids are very confused asking every time he leaves why he can't stay. Otherwise, they seem to be loving the family time and daddy time. 7) I have gone out a couple of times and been very discreet and GAL (but still ridiculously mentally distracted). 8) Have had a couple of awkward conversations (father's day plans, where he is going to live) where I automatically tear up...so I'm still super sensitive. 9) H is still bragging to everyone and anyone about his work and it is really transparent to anyone who has any sense. Also, it is not attractive or respectable to me. 10) H was over the top flirty today at school function 11) H headed off with duffle bag to go stay at super rich persons house. 12) We still have major debt to deal with 13) I need to determine what I can live with in terms of contact and friendiness. We spend sooo much time together 14) I have some interesting things coming up work-wise that are in sync with what I have been pondering...thanks universe...we'll see how it turns out but it is always nice when you are contemplating something and someone out of the blue suggests an opportunity. 15) I am recognizing that I may meet someone better suited for me though I want to work on myself for a while (just empowering to be able to see it) 16) I have been pondering suggesting marriage counseling or Retrouvaille. His words are consistently that he is done but his actions are so confusing. We have so much between us still, D makes no sense.
But, what do I make of this? How do I run my life like this? And, am I just being strung along? With my kids?
Bridgestone told me to "stay out of her head, unless she invites you there." I'd advise you to do the same. You can't figure him out right now, as he probably doesn't even know himself! The guy still cares about you, but he's conflicted. Stay buckled in for the long ride. "For better or worse...good times and bad...". He's at his 'worse' and 'bad' times right now. Now's when you show what kind of wife and mother you really are. Woman up! It might take longer, maybe a lot longer, but what's that over a lifetime? A drop in the bucket! Decide/figure out what you truly want...then commit to it. Be kind and compassionate. Model graciousness, dignity, and strength for your kids. Take the long-term view instead of the short-term view. Work hard to keep a positive state of mind, and cultivate the antidotes to anger...patience and tolerance. Your kids will learn crucial lessons in life by watching you. 25 says that 'love is a choice'. I myself find that keeping hope alive is a comfort...to know that I haven't abandoned her even if she has abandoned me. To know that I have committment is a big deal...it's something that I'm prouid of in myself...to hold out hope that things could change. I have made a firm committment to improve...and to show compassion. I know that it's hard to let things happen instead of us trying to force destiny and make it happen.
What we focus on, we empower and enlarge. Good multiplies when focused upon. Negativity multiplies when focused upon. The choice is ours...which do we want more of?
Giving our WAS forgiveness, time, and space to develop or recapture their sense of self-worth and individualism is the BEST thing we can do for our troubled relationship.
Don't believe anything he says right now. And keep yourself strong and healthy. And don't give in to despair, and don't give up on your marriage....if you really want to save your marriage, if you're willing to do whatever it takes in order to save your marriage, if you can persevere even when you feel like the situation is unfair, and if you can handle being the one who is working the hardest to keep the marriage from going down in flames.
Remember your good heart, aliveandkicking.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I get the concept but the implementation is tough.
I mean, how we handle money, boundaries, the kids...I have to have some sense of stability here.
Also, H just mentioned bringing the kids over to the gagillion dollar house he is staying at...I am troubled with my kids seeing their dad like this. A vagabond is a vagabond regardless of where he is laying his head...but this is like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.
Antler's, I am enabling this. If I filed for legal sep or divorce, he'd have to get in reality and we would each get our own places and I'd handle my own money and have my privacy and boundaries and a schedule. I just don't know if this is healthy. He is constantly the center of attention and sort of going where the wind blows.
I love the idea of standing for my marriage but I don't love the idea of being used and legally attached to someone who has a completely separate life.
