GETTING UN'STUCK'

[25yearsmlc]

As I have said in past posts to you, having her in the house is to your advantage. I know it is hard and you see her all the time and want & need her sexually. However, it would be soooo much worse if she or you were to leave the home. Trust me about that. One of the greatest problems I see you having is acting friend-ly toward her. You are not to be cold! Being detached is not being cold. I don't know why men can't seem to get that, but you are shooting yourself in the foot everytime you give her the "cold treatment". You can still be friendly toward her but detach yourself physically by giving her space and detach yourself emotionally by GAL and stop focusing on her 24/7. But nowhere in this DB technique are you to act "cold"!

Stuck - I agree with Sandi 100% on this one. I know in my situation, my wife was hell bent on leaving to the point she even called a realtor to sell our house. So I took the "caged animal" approach and opened the door, as you were full aware of how that came about/went.

My DB coach had said that keeping in the house was very important, but having her feel trapped was not a good thing either. I didn't get the detached vs. cold thing either. I still don't but am getting a better understanding of it each time I read the posts.

So please heed Sandi's advice here. It has been a long time that someone posted something positive in their situation, I just hope that you will have that opportunity.

Stay the course and been the man.

Take care

There are happy endings to being here. But I hate the word "ending" as ALL M's are works in progress, just as we are individually. But yes, DBing is why I'm M, and not divorced, (and my higher power, whom I call God, definitely did the rest).

Anyway, YES the detaching issue seems bigger for men than women. Here are some ideas I'm throwing out....Maybe FOR NOW you can act like you would with a sister? Meaning, can you be friendly and upbeat and GAL and all that, without expectation and without ANY sexual feelings displayed?

And Surely you've liked SOME women at work and found them attractive but NOT had affairs with them? (Of course!) So can you do that type of behavior and respect their privacy, as in, not asking personal/pursuing questions of your w? For now, that's my best analogy I have b/c my h was gone for days or weeks at a time so when we spoke on the phone it was obviously easier to be detached. When he was HERE, I tried to be busy and not around. When he was around, there were kids to deal with or cleaning and believe me, my house was clean THEN!

Also, if you had just met someone you wanted to date BUT knew they greatly preferred men who played hard to get, could you do that? EX: meaning You're still appealing, attractive and polite but you are sooo GAL and you have so much to offer that you are super busy meeting interesting people, going to fun places and doing fascinating things!! Very busy with ALL of that, but oh yes of course you are courteous and pleasant to her...who wouldn't be in YOUR lucky shoes? But as for her whereabouts and concerns and activities...frankly, YOU are too busy with your cool life to notice. Why would YOU concern yourself with that? If she wants to share something with you, although you are quite busy, you have a little time to listen if it isn't hurtful...(if it IS hurtful, then you are TOO busy OR you can tell her that it's not interesting to you. Obviously if she's trying to hurt you, then we're talking something else altogether, but assuming this is just DETACHING...then stay the course. SO let's say she shares a neutral experience with you or a meaningful one that does not threaten you, ie something she'd tell a friend...then LISTEN LIKE A LOVER/FRIEND....(My db coach said to listen like a lover, but in your case if the pursuit thing is an issue then I'd modify it to say, "Listen like a BF" b/c that is what you are, among other things. And it's something to build upon.

When your w starts to act differently or seems closer, we can address that then. I know there is a yin and yang thing and that DOES happen. Heck, it happens to ME even now! But let's cross that bridge when we get to it. I have to catch up more on your sitch anyhow.

Also there is a great piece somewhere here that I read 2 years ago and if you can find it, find it. It's on Detachment and it lists examples. I still need to read your posts from #15 to 22, I think hey ...you are a prolific writer.
Will get back to you soon.
J-